~FINALLY~

Well so much has went on since my last post that I know I will miss so much information. First, Gabe and I have decided that adoption is definitely something we want to do regardless if I should have another biological child or not. My heart has always wanted to adopt, but I never felt as though I was fully ready to. I knew the second I was ready and my mind hasn't changed. It took many many years to play out adoption and think about if this was something we really wanted to do. It was a very thought out process, around 6 years or more. This wasn't a decision that came to me lightly all because I had suffered multiple pregnancy loss. I didn't want to just jump into adopting since this is another child's life we would be taking on. I wanted to make sure emotionally I was ready for that step and capable of loving another child as if it was my very own. I know the depth of my love and without a doubt, I can certainly love another child as though it is my biological child. Gabe can as well. Actually, he didn't tell me until I finally came to him and said I wanted to adopt that he has been waiting on me to say I was ready for a couple of years now. He has been ready all along and was just waiting on me. How sweet is that? I wondered why he had never mentioned it to me and he said because for one, he didn't want to upset me, and for two, he didn't want me to feel pressured in any way. Plus, he knew that I was still trying for my own biological child and I'm sure at times he felt as though if he mentioned adoption to me that I would think I would never be able to have another biological child. As I mentioned in previous posts, the more time goes by, I am accepting that I may never have another biological child and I am dealing with it so much better these days. I have my moments every once in a while, but very few days go by that I'm actually upset at thinking about it. Being around babies doesn't bother me or pregnant women. It just isn't something I find to hurt my feelings like it did in the past. Before, I would feel this ache inside of my heart every single time I would see a pregnant lady or see a newborn baby, now, I am perfectly fine with it. I do believe time does heal the heart and it may have taken me years to reach this point but everyone is different and it may have taken me longer or maybe even a shorter period of time than others. I heal in my own unique way and however long it took was what was needed. I needed time to get to a point where the losses would no longer hurt me but get me to the point where I was ready to adopt. I want to adopt a little girl for a couple of reasons. I think a little girl would be wonderful in that I have my little boy and if I had a girl, I would then have the best of both worlds. The other reason is, Tommy tends to get along better with little girls. He plays and interacts like a big brother. This may come from playing with his 6 year old aunt. Yes, I said 6 year old aunt...lol..They get along so well. It is like an even mixture. When Tommy is around boys, usually he is just WAY too hyper, sometimes too hyper for me to handle and it can become a little stressful. In all the girls that he has been around, they have never gotten to the point to where him and another little boy would. We just believe a little girl around Tommy's age would be the perfect fit for our family. We've thought it through and this is what we are opting to adopt if all works out like we are hoping it will. Tommy is perfectly happy with adoption. We have talked about it many many times and he agrees that having a sister would be the best thing ever. I asked his teacher if he likes any girls in the class yet or if they seem to like him. She said, well they seem to gravitate towards Tommy a lot because he is like a big brother to them. That made me feel even more that a girl is perfect.

We were suppose to meet w/ the case worker a few days ago but something came up and she had to reschedule so we will visit w/ her soon. Our MAPP training begins soon and we should be certified by the end of May, early June. Since we have Tommy, from my understanding, adoption can be a bit challenging depending on the case worker of the child we want to adopt. For some reason, I suppose they go more for couples that do not have any other children. Like I said, it all depends on the child's case worker. This makes sense in some ways, but doesn't in others. I don't believe we should be deprived of adoption because we have a child. I know tons of couples that have biological children which have also adopted. I believe it is because it could be hard on Tommy maybe??? All these questions will be answered once we meet w/ our case worker. She sounds very confident in us adopting but did want to mention that just in case we are wanting to adopt a child which is better suited w/ a family that doesn't have any other children. Adoption isn't easy and I know it's going to be emotional and a long process. I believe after what I've already been through, I can definitely take this on and be ok and even through the motions, I know I can handle whatever is thrown at us.

On a couple of other notes, my RE has suggested some procedures to see if they can find a cause for our losses. We had one of them back in February and the results were normal, however, he did find a little something that he wanted to look into a little further. So a couple of weeks ago I had another procedure and they had some significant findings. I'm actually extremely excited that what they found could definitely be the contributing factor of all of my problems. The great news is, this is treatable and me and Gabe both began treatment the day of the procedure. My RE called this morning and Gabe said you could hear the excitement in his voice. They haven't been able to find a single thing linking to the early losses, like as soon as I find out I'm pregnant, I miscarry. The past findings would not affect me so early so basically he ruled those out and went down a different path. I believe this was just the path that needed to be taken. Even if this wasn't what has been causing the losses, this was something that needed to be treated anyways before it causes future problems.

The thing that bothers me about the findings is for years now I have stressed to my Dr.'s that I thought I had a particular problem that could lead up to what they just recently found. Not only did one Dr. say it couldn't be, they ALL did. My PCP, my OB, and my RE all said there was no way I had this issue and come to find out many years later, I do! It pisses me off to some point but there is nothing I can do about it now besides tell every single one of them that I was correct and I have been through hell and back because none would listen to me. Sometimes you have to be your own advocate because it is obvious that many Dr.'s disregard their patients. (That's why I'm going to be a nurse, to be the one that DOESN'T disregard the pt) Thank goodness my RE finally pushed for some other testing. He was at a dead end road and at a loss for what could be causing these issues. FINALLY we have something to go by. I sure hope we will be able to have another little one and during that time, also adopt. I am not going to stop w/ the adoption process because regardless, this is something I want to do even if we should have another biological child. I would still love to have one more biological child but I would also like to adopt. It would be absolutely amazing if our family could get both gifts.

Anyways, I'm sure I could talk all night since it has been a long time since my last post, but these are the most significant events that have happened in the past few months. Won't know til over a month or so if this procedure/treatment works but I'll keep the blog posted.