I have been MIA for some time now so thought I would swing in really quick and do a post. I have been extremely busy with school, BIO 168 (A&P I) trying to prepare for the final and the completion of the end of the semester. Things begin to get crazy when the end of the semester is approaching. Not only do you have to apply all of your time into studying for the last couple of tests, but you also have to study for the final at the same time, not to mention I have 2 case studies due which I'm hoping to complete by the end of the weekend. I registered today for my BIO 169 (A&P II) and BIO 275 (Microbiology). I still need to take the math placement and my hopes are that I place high enough to only have to take one math class. That would be 3 classes for the Spring semester and then I will have all of my pre-reqs out of the way. That is the goal I'm pushing for. It is hard but it isn't impossible. I study non stop and hardly have a minute to myself. When I do, the last thing I want to do is type so that's why I haven't been on much lately.
This time of year is extremely busy anyways with the holidays coming up. I LOVE Christmas so I've been trying to do some Christmas planning amongst everything else that is on my plate. My husband just had wrist surgery on Nov. 5th. His Scaphoid bone was basically crushed so they had to do a bone graft and put a screw in his wrist. This has also added additional responsibility to my plate. I have managed to make time for a break here and there and some really good friends of mine. I am going to the fabric store w/ my friend Sheila on Thursday and Friday I'm going w/ Alley to pick out pjs for our boys on the train ride Nov. 22nd. Tonight I got to see my long lost BFF, Shayla. She is so much like me. It has been forever since I've seen her and I was so happy to get to spend some time with her. Shayla and I are so much alike it isn't even funny. We laugh at all the same things and find some of the silliest things so funny we have tears in our eyes. It was like that tonight. We like to joke around and have the same sense of humor. I like all of our inside jokes that most just wouldn't understand. She is more like my sister and my friend. I met her at the health-source company I use to work with. We bonded immediately and became very close. When my son was smaller, she came to my house and he kept turning her head to look at this candle. To this day we still laugh about that and still have no idea why he kept doing that. She knows all of my darkest secrets and everything about me that would be embarrassing to tell anyone else. I am myself 100% around her and she accepts that. We can act a fool around each other and instead of judging, we just laugh! It's so funny. We were laughing tonight and her face was turning red and I had tears in my eyes just from laughing. I have to say that she is the only person I've ever felt like that around, like she is my family. She has always stood by my side through the darkest of times and made me laugh when I just didn't feel like laughing. It has been forever since I've seen her so I'm glad we finally had the time to get together. Our friendship took a turn a few years back but it didn't matter because I knew we had a special friendship that could go through a rough patch and still be ok. We did go through the rough patch but even through that, we kept in touch as much as we could and tried to make sure the other knew what was going on in our lives that was making these changes. It didn't matter even with the changes because I knew if I ever needed her, she would be there, same as if she needed me. I truly have missed her. I've had several friends and friends that I adore, but there is something so much different about the friendship w /me and Shayla. It is so special and one that I will always cherish. It made me so happy to laugh tonight and especially with her. We look like dorks when we laugh so hard, but we don't care, we just laugh even harder. We are that stupid funny! LOL....I remember the good ole days when I practically lived at her house. I would visit and stay overnight and we slept in her bed. LOL...She had a side she slept best on and I slept against the wall. It was like a slumber party..haha but that's what I mean about everything being so comfortable. I don't believe I've ever found that in anyone except for my husband and son, that person to just be yourself with. Anyways, tonight was just a good night and I'm so grateful to have seen my best friend.
Other than that, not too much has been going on. Oh, on the baby news, nothing yet. We tried all of October but nothing. I do know that I was bluesy when my visitor came and when my visitor left. It made me wonder if I did conceive and lost another baby. The thought crossed my mind but I'm not totally sure. We are still trying but I'm torn between school and a baby. I want another baby so bad, but I also want to be a nurse. I have a healthy son, a happy child that seems to be all I need. I'm not sure if taking on a baby will be the best interest for me. I would absolutely love it if I got pregnant and had another child, however, that would also hold off nursing school. I'm not sure if I want that sacrifice. There are so many days where I'm perfectly content with all that I have and wouldn't want it any other way, and there are days where I feel sorry for Tommy being the only child. I want him to have a sibling so then it makes me wonder, am I wanting another child for myself, or for him? Don't get me wrong, I would love to have another child and would love that baby so much. I just have been going through different emotions about it lately. I keep thinking about all the sleep I get now and how starting over would be so hard. Tommy never slept in the beginning and it was so hard on us. I can't imagine having a baby and trying to balance nursing school. I suppose we will cross that bridge if it ever happens. I'm at the point now that if it doesn't, I'm fine with that. There is also a teacher at Tommy's school that is due to have her baby any day now. She is so ultra sweet and has said she would love to have my help with her new little one. That may be the baby dose that I need. :-) On another note, hardly anyone knows we have been trying. I just chose to keep it that way because it really isn't any of their business unless I chose to involve them. Most of my friends/family don't even know I have this blog so they won't find out on here either. It just isn't something I care to share with anyone since most can't understand what I go through when trying let alone through a loss. It is something I chose to keep somewhat private between very few. That is all the baby making news I have for now. I won't know more til the end of November, early December.
Well I'm exhausted so this is about all I feel like typing for the night. I'll try and post more sooner than later.
~The foundation of who I am today~
html
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
Friday, October 23, 2009
~A quick post~
It's been a while since I posted so I wanted to drop in and leave a quick post.
Nothing much has happened since I last posted. My week has been pretty boring to say the least. LOL. I've enjoyed not having CNA class this week, only because it was "class", but I have missed everyone there. We've kept in touch and I hope it continues that way. I get to see the class again week after next for a party then some on that following Sunday when we are taking our state exam to get our license.
So more about what I've been up to. Last weekend I went to a friend's house, Karen, for a jewelry party. After that, my husband, son, and myself went out to eat. Saturday, we all went shopping just to get out of the house, then I went to a fish fry at my friend Sheila's church, and then went on a haunted trail w/ my friend Alley, her date, and Gabe. That was lots of fun!!! Alley is so sweet and I enjoy her company. I've gotten to know her much better over the past several months. When my Great Dane, Houdini, passed away, it was Alley that went w/ me to Hobby Lobby to purchase cute things for Houdini's memory box. That's when you know you have a true friend, someone that can be with you through a difficult time and help you pick out things to remember your love for you lost pet. She is also totally aware of my aching past w/ my miscarriages and continues to walk beside me. Unfortunately, my miscarriages seem to run people off for some reason. Alley has listened to me talk about them and she just listens which means the world to someone that is hurting. She hasn't shied away from me or turned the other cheek. I'm so glad that the people that have recently entered my life are strong enough to listen to me talk about my pain without being afraid or uncomfortable. There isn't anything to be afraid of or uncomfortable about. I RARELY every bring up my losses but when I begin to talk to my friends about me and Gabe wanting another child, ultimately, the conversation of the miscarriages will come up. It's just how it is. Very rarely do I ever speak of my losses because to tell the truth, I have too many things to be grateful for these days. I have "peace".
Anyways, last weekend was a blast and we are already in the planning of another outing. I love being around Alley. She is a lot like me and is just a laid back kinda person. We are both silly and enjoy the simpler things in life. Gabe really likes her too which makes it easy on me to have a good friendship w/ her. I have a feeling that our friendship will keep growing. Something about her is so comforting to me. Maybe it is because I'm realizing these days that people that have went through hard times and overcome them are better people because of it. I tend to gravitate towards people that don't take others or anything for granted. Some people have things handed to them and don't know what it's like to walk a rocky path. Those just aren't the people that I can be around. Not because I don't want to, but more because our personalities don't mesh. I think those that have went through trials and struggles can relate to others that have been through them or are currently going through them. They have learned valuable lessons in what it truly means to be a friend, a mother, a sister, etc. They've learned that you can't treat people poorly and especially the people that are there for you. They have also learned how to be a shoulder when someone needs one, how to sit quietly when someone wants to talk, how to speak when it's the right time, and how to offer a hug to someone in need of one. The people that have had things handed to them are the coldest people in the world. It isn't their fault, they just don't care about others the same way someone that has had to overcome so many obstacles does.
I have talked to Amber A LOT about just life in general. It was really funny how we met. She was on a friend's FB page and the friend had posted up a status. Me and Amber went back and forth talking about how we agreed about the status. Since then, Amber and I have been extremely close. She is like my other pea in the pod. She is just like me in so many ways. We always talk about how crazy it is that we are sooooo much alike. We view things the same way, say things the same way, like the same kind of things, had the same kind of dog (Great Dane), hurt the same way, have had poor friendships the same way, even down to cutting our hair short around the same time after our hair was past our bra straps. It is insane how much we are alike but I also think it's pretty darn neat. I also believe that my friendship w/ Amber will continue to grow.
So last Sunday I went shopping at Concord Mills mall. It was just fun to get out of the house. It was a cold week and that always gets me in the mood for the holidays. I'm already trying to get my Christmas party planned. My son asked me the other day if we were going to have a party and I said I wasn't sure. I really enjoy doing the party mainly for him because it makes him so happy to play w/ all the kiddos that come over. It gets a little chaotic w/ all the children playing but at the end of the night when everyone goes home, you feel kinda lonely, like you want all that chaos back in your house. hehe. I've been doing some Christmas shopping and I'm hoping to get done before the Christmas rush. Being in the Christmas hustle and bustle causes me to have anxiety. I don't even like shopping on the weekends for that main reason. I have sent out invites so hopefully most will be able to come. That is a tradition around our house, to have a Christmas party every year. We have done this for many years now so I hope to keep the tradition going.
On another note, the other day I had Dr. Phil on and could hear it in the background. I'm not sure what the episode was about, all I know is that I heard him tell this girl that she is bigger than her past and that her past doesn't define her. Funny how the show was about that because I have thought a lot lately how my past doesn't define me and I'm sick of people making my past out to be the person that I am. The show struck a nerve and I put up a FB status saying something about how my past doesn't define me. I'm not sure at this point if I was pms-ing or what but it made me so ill to think of all the crap I have been through w/ friends that claim they are "good" friends but ignore you or hurt you. That isn't a good friend, that isn't a friend at all. I know what true friendship is about and it surely isn't some of the ones that I've had. I do take friendships seriously because I'm in my 30's, from what I see, a lot of people in their 30's do. Maybe it is just a thing we go through in our 30's, to analyze friendships, to try and hold on to certain friends, to re-kindle friendships, to hold people closer, or decide when to let some go. I've noticed that I'm not the only one that feels this way. I have so many people in their 30's that feel the exact same way I do. Is this a midlife crisis? I think when women hit their 30's, it is just something we go through as women. Not sure why, but it's strange. A friend of mine, Angie, and I were talking about friends and she said, "Don't you think as you get older how hard it is to find really good friends?" I was in awe because I have felt that way so many times. I know it isn't anything that I'm doing wrong. I would have said about a year ago that I'm doing something wrong, what is wrong w/ me, or why don't people like me. I have realized now that it is the way it is. I am such a loving person and for the most part, I'm pretty happy and love to joke around. I know when to laugh and when to be serious. There isn't ANYTHING I've been doing wrong. I try to maintain friendships but there is only so much I can do before the friendship becomes a full time job on my part and becomes exhausting. At that point, it is time to cut the losses and move on. I think there were moments where I begged for friendships. I have no idea why because I have never "begged" for anything. I am sure my losses contributed to this. I was willing to settle for less than I deserved hoping they would fill that void. Ultimately, I was stupid for settling because the void only got larger. These were destructive relationships and caused me even more pain. When all I did was party w/ these people just to drink my cares away but never spend any QT time w/ them other than drinking, that should have said something right there. I don't mind a good drink here and there, but I also enjoy going to the mall, a good track walk in the park, a movie, things that normal friends do. These were just "drinking" buddies and nothing more. The alcohol would blind my vision into believing when I had a good time w/ them drunk that they were good friends. Outside of drinking, I hardly ever saw them. That's when you know that they don't care for the friendship in the same way that you do. A HUGE red flag was right there by my pain fogged my judgment. I don't have anything clouding my judgment now and I know the future relationships I have will be based more on what I truly need out of a friendship and I know it will come down to finding the "right" friends that have the same goals or expectations that I do.
Anyways, so moving on. We found out this week that my niece's half brother, Chuckie, was in ICU. He has CF and is only a teenager. This kid has been through so much throughout his life. I feel so bad for him. I asked for prayers and I truly do believe prayers work. My niece's dad, Chuck, told her that they didn't expect Chuckie to make it. The family stayed through the night and the next day, things were getting a tad better. He was talking a little and even ate some yogurt. That is a great sign! I hope that he will continue to feel better and hopefully won't go back to ICU.
So on a happier note, yesterday I took my son to Logan's to get something to eat after school. I NEVER ever give my son caffeine. He just can't drink it because he acts crazy if he's had some. Anyways, so he asked for a sweet tea. I broke down and said ok. He had this small kiddie cup but even that is too much. He got tickled about something and the more I would tell him to "shhhh" the more he would laugh. It got to the point where he had a belly roll laugh. He was laughing uncontrollably and so loud. I was embarrassed but he has such a contagious laugh. I always say he has the "baby doll" giggle. You know, the one that just makes you laugh when you hear it? That's the kind he had. So I was trying to hard not to laugh back in hopes he would settle down, well in trying to hold back my own laughter, I had laughter tears streaming. I tear up so easily when I laugh but keeping it in made it even worse. I'm sure the waitress was wondering what was wrong. lol Anyways, people were looking around to see who it was that was laughing so hard. This one little boy even got up and walked around our table so he could see who had been laughing. Now that was too funny. I have to say, I had the best time w/ him yesterday. I love a good laugh and especially one that can bring tears to your eyes. We even giggled all the way home. There is nothing so sweet as when your baby cackles or smiles.
So as for my weekend, I have a busy busy weekend. We are keeping Marissa tonight. She is my husband's sister. Then tomorrow, we may go to the Renaissance festival if it is still here, then a Halloween party at my friend, Ashley's, house, and then Sunday we were invited by a friend of mine, Alicia, to a horse parade. She has a horse named "The Dance" AKA "Dancer". He is the sweetest horse in the world. Tommy got to ride him w/ out any help. Dancer is funny because he will run up to you like a puppy dog, quickly stop wanting a belly rub. I'm totally comfortable around her horse and he is GREAT w/ kids.
Next week is pretty busy. I have to really study for this test but luckily if I get a note, in which I've called my Dr. for, saying I have ADHD I can take it to the college and they will lift the time limit I have to take the tests. This is for my A&P class. I didn't realize I could do that til the other day. I do have ADHD so taking a timed test in A&P is so difficult. I am calling in a minute to see if the Dr. has written the note yet and will go pick that up. Then, Tommy is off 2 days and I'm thinking about going to the beach. I've always wanted to be at the beach for Halloween. I could take him trick or treating down there. Something different, plus, I can't stay away from the beach too long, I begin getting the beach blues. :-)
As for Gabe and I trying, I won't know anything until after Halloween. I have a feeling that it didn't take this month because I feel as though I'm pms-ing. Been in a mood the past couple of days but I'm trying to keep positive thoughts so even if it is pms, I'm not going to let it interfere w/ being happy.
I'll post more later. :-)
Nothing much has happened since I last posted. My week has been pretty boring to say the least. LOL. I've enjoyed not having CNA class this week, only because it was "class", but I have missed everyone there. We've kept in touch and I hope it continues that way. I get to see the class again week after next for a party then some on that following Sunday when we are taking our state exam to get our license.
So more about what I've been up to. Last weekend I went to a friend's house, Karen, for a jewelry party. After that, my husband, son, and myself went out to eat. Saturday, we all went shopping just to get out of the house, then I went to a fish fry at my friend Sheila's church, and then went on a haunted trail w/ my friend Alley, her date, and Gabe. That was lots of fun!!! Alley is so sweet and I enjoy her company. I've gotten to know her much better over the past several months. When my Great Dane, Houdini, passed away, it was Alley that went w/ me to Hobby Lobby to purchase cute things for Houdini's memory box. That's when you know you have a true friend, someone that can be with you through a difficult time and help you pick out things to remember your love for you lost pet. She is also totally aware of my aching past w/ my miscarriages and continues to walk beside me. Unfortunately, my miscarriages seem to run people off for some reason. Alley has listened to me talk about them and she just listens which means the world to someone that is hurting. She hasn't shied away from me or turned the other cheek. I'm so glad that the people that have recently entered my life are strong enough to listen to me talk about my pain without being afraid or uncomfortable. There isn't anything to be afraid of or uncomfortable about. I RARELY every bring up my losses but when I begin to talk to my friends about me and Gabe wanting another child, ultimately, the conversation of the miscarriages will come up. It's just how it is. Very rarely do I ever speak of my losses because to tell the truth, I have too many things to be grateful for these days. I have "peace".
Anyways, last weekend was a blast and we are already in the planning of another outing. I love being around Alley. She is a lot like me and is just a laid back kinda person. We are both silly and enjoy the simpler things in life. Gabe really likes her too which makes it easy on me to have a good friendship w/ her. I have a feeling that our friendship will keep growing. Something about her is so comforting to me. Maybe it is because I'm realizing these days that people that have went through hard times and overcome them are better people because of it. I tend to gravitate towards people that don't take others or anything for granted. Some people have things handed to them and don't know what it's like to walk a rocky path. Those just aren't the people that I can be around. Not because I don't want to, but more because our personalities don't mesh. I think those that have went through trials and struggles can relate to others that have been through them or are currently going through them. They have learned valuable lessons in what it truly means to be a friend, a mother, a sister, etc. They've learned that you can't treat people poorly and especially the people that are there for you. They have also learned how to be a shoulder when someone needs one, how to sit quietly when someone wants to talk, how to speak when it's the right time, and how to offer a hug to someone in need of one. The people that have had things handed to them are the coldest people in the world. It isn't their fault, they just don't care about others the same way someone that has had to overcome so many obstacles does.
I have talked to Amber A LOT about just life in general. It was really funny how we met. She was on a friend's FB page and the friend had posted up a status. Me and Amber went back and forth talking about how we agreed about the status. Since then, Amber and I have been extremely close. She is like my other pea in the pod. She is just like me in so many ways. We always talk about how crazy it is that we are sooooo much alike. We view things the same way, say things the same way, like the same kind of things, had the same kind of dog (Great Dane), hurt the same way, have had poor friendships the same way, even down to cutting our hair short around the same time after our hair was past our bra straps. It is insane how much we are alike but I also think it's pretty darn neat. I also believe that my friendship w/ Amber will continue to grow.
So last Sunday I went shopping at Concord Mills mall. It was just fun to get out of the house. It was a cold week and that always gets me in the mood for the holidays. I'm already trying to get my Christmas party planned. My son asked me the other day if we were going to have a party and I said I wasn't sure. I really enjoy doing the party mainly for him because it makes him so happy to play w/ all the kiddos that come over. It gets a little chaotic w/ all the children playing but at the end of the night when everyone goes home, you feel kinda lonely, like you want all that chaos back in your house. hehe. I've been doing some Christmas shopping and I'm hoping to get done before the Christmas rush. Being in the Christmas hustle and bustle causes me to have anxiety. I don't even like shopping on the weekends for that main reason. I have sent out invites so hopefully most will be able to come. That is a tradition around our house, to have a Christmas party every year. We have done this for many years now so I hope to keep the tradition going.
On another note, the other day I had Dr. Phil on and could hear it in the background. I'm not sure what the episode was about, all I know is that I heard him tell this girl that she is bigger than her past and that her past doesn't define her. Funny how the show was about that because I have thought a lot lately how my past doesn't define me and I'm sick of people making my past out to be the person that I am. The show struck a nerve and I put up a FB status saying something about how my past doesn't define me. I'm not sure at this point if I was pms-ing or what but it made me so ill to think of all the crap I have been through w/ friends that claim they are "good" friends but ignore you or hurt you. That isn't a good friend, that isn't a friend at all. I know what true friendship is about and it surely isn't some of the ones that I've had. I do take friendships seriously because I'm in my 30's, from what I see, a lot of people in their 30's do. Maybe it is just a thing we go through in our 30's, to analyze friendships, to try and hold on to certain friends, to re-kindle friendships, to hold people closer, or decide when to let some go. I've noticed that I'm not the only one that feels this way. I have so many people in their 30's that feel the exact same way I do. Is this a midlife crisis? I think when women hit their 30's, it is just something we go through as women. Not sure why, but it's strange. A friend of mine, Angie, and I were talking about friends and she said, "Don't you think as you get older how hard it is to find really good friends?" I was in awe because I have felt that way so many times. I know it isn't anything that I'm doing wrong. I would have said about a year ago that I'm doing something wrong, what is wrong w/ me, or why don't people like me. I have realized now that it is the way it is. I am such a loving person and for the most part, I'm pretty happy and love to joke around. I know when to laugh and when to be serious. There isn't ANYTHING I've been doing wrong. I try to maintain friendships but there is only so much I can do before the friendship becomes a full time job on my part and becomes exhausting. At that point, it is time to cut the losses and move on. I think there were moments where I begged for friendships. I have no idea why because I have never "begged" for anything. I am sure my losses contributed to this. I was willing to settle for less than I deserved hoping they would fill that void. Ultimately, I was stupid for settling because the void only got larger. These were destructive relationships and caused me even more pain. When all I did was party w/ these people just to drink my cares away but never spend any QT time w/ them other than drinking, that should have said something right there. I don't mind a good drink here and there, but I also enjoy going to the mall, a good track walk in the park, a movie, things that normal friends do. These were just "drinking" buddies and nothing more. The alcohol would blind my vision into believing when I had a good time w/ them drunk that they were good friends. Outside of drinking, I hardly ever saw them. That's when you know that they don't care for the friendship in the same way that you do. A HUGE red flag was right there by my pain fogged my judgment. I don't have anything clouding my judgment now and I know the future relationships I have will be based more on what I truly need out of a friendship and I know it will come down to finding the "right" friends that have the same goals or expectations that I do.
Anyways, so moving on. We found out this week that my niece's half brother, Chuckie, was in ICU. He has CF and is only a teenager. This kid has been through so much throughout his life. I feel so bad for him. I asked for prayers and I truly do believe prayers work. My niece's dad, Chuck, told her that they didn't expect Chuckie to make it. The family stayed through the night and the next day, things were getting a tad better. He was talking a little and even ate some yogurt. That is a great sign! I hope that he will continue to feel better and hopefully won't go back to ICU.
So on a happier note, yesterday I took my son to Logan's to get something to eat after school. I NEVER ever give my son caffeine. He just can't drink it because he acts crazy if he's had some. Anyways, so he asked for a sweet tea. I broke down and said ok. He had this small kiddie cup but even that is too much. He got tickled about something and the more I would tell him to "shhhh" the more he would laugh. It got to the point where he had a belly roll laugh. He was laughing uncontrollably and so loud. I was embarrassed but he has such a contagious laugh. I always say he has the "baby doll" giggle. You know, the one that just makes you laugh when you hear it? That's the kind he had. So I was trying to hard not to laugh back in hopes he would settle down, well in trying to hold back my own laughter, I had laughter tears streaming. I tear up so easily when I laugh but keeping it in made it even worse. I'm sure the waitress was wondering what was wrong. lol Anyways, people were looking around to see who it was that was laughing so hard. This one little boy even got up and walked around our table so he could see who had been laughing. Now that was too funny. I have to say, I had the best time w/ him yesterday. I love a good laugh and especially one that can bring tears to your eyes. We even giggled all the way home. There is nothing so sweet as when your baby cackles or smiles.
So as for my weekend, I have a busy busy weekend. We are keeping Marissa tonight. She is my husband's sister. Then tomorrow, we may go to the Renaissance festival if it is still here, then a Halloween party at my friend, Ashley's, house, and then Sunday we were invited by a friend of mine, Alicia, to a horse parade. She has a horse named "The Dance" AKA "Dancer". He is the sweetest horse in the world. Tommy got to ride him w/ out any help. Dancer is funny because he will run up to you like a puppy dog, quickly stop wanting a belly rub. I'm totally comfortable around her horse and he is GREAT w/ kids.
Next week is pretty busy. I have to really study for this test but luckily if I get a note, in which I've called my Dr. for, saying I have ADHD I can take it to the college and they will lift the time limit I have to take the tests. This is for my A&P class. I didn't realize I could do that til the other day. I do have ADHD so taking a timed test in A&P is so difficult. I am calling in a minute to see if the Dr. has written the note yet and will go pick that up. Then, Tommy is off 2 days and I'm thinking about going to the beach. I've always wanted to be at the beach for Halloween. I could take him trick or treating down there. Something different, plus, I can't stay away from the beach too long, I begin getting the beach blues. :-)
As for Gabe and I trying, I won't know anything until after Halloween. I have a feeling that it didn't take this month because I feel as though I'm pms-ing. Been in a mood the past couple of days but I'm trying to keep positive thoughts so even if it is pms, I'm not going to let it interfere w/ being happy.
I'll post more later. :-)
Saturday, October 17, 2009
~Bittersweet~
Today was the last day of CNA classes and our last day w/ the residents doing clinical. It was a crazy morning. Our instructor said we would work through lunch because there was so much to be done. Well, when we got there, we didn't do anything for about the first hour. There was a man taking a looooong shower. My primary resident was next in line. Bless her heart, she is the sweetest little lady! So after giving my primary resident her shower, we needed to get checked off on vitals. I was EXTREMELY nervous to do blood pressure (BP). I must have been second guessing myself because I was thinking I could never hear the first (systolic) beat. I could always hear the last (diastolic) beat. Anyways, we had to get checked off on that today. I saw some of the class struggling to get checked off on their vitals. I was really worried since BP was my main struggle. All of the other vitals are simple. I found a resident that I had gotten to know pretty well and did the vitals on her. I went to her room to visit her and asked if I could practice counting her pulse and respiration rate before I officially got checked off. She is so sweet and patient that she didn't mind at all. So finally I got my instructor to observe me taking the vitals. I got the pulse and respiration rate perfect. Yay, but what about the BP. I was so stressed knowing for one that I was being observed and also knowing that I may have to do it over and over before getting it right. After taking the BP, I gave my instructor the results and I did that perfect also. Apparently word got around because so many people from our class were saying congratulations and that they were jealous! I was so happy. Sounds so tiny, but it was a very big deal to me. My team knew that BP was stressing me out so the congratulations made me feel really good. I was just glad that I actually got it right for once so that when I have the State exam, hopefully I'll get it right.
So the day moved on and I did a resident's nails. It was the same resident that allowed me to take her vitals. We talked and talked. She is such a sweet lady and I'm going to miss her smile! She was always in a good mood, always smiling, always singing! She was a very easy person to talk to. When I was doing her nails, she talked about her children and talked about a loss she had went through. I knew there was something I was drawn to about her but didn't really know what it was. We talked about my losses a little but I more wanted to hear her stories about growing up. She would talk about how she use to pick cotton and how her sister would aggravate her. She said that you didn't back talk back then but she would think it, it just wouldn't come out of her mouth. I could sit and listen to stories like this all day long. It is just interesting to see where others come from and to hear them talk about silly stories about their childhood. She has a large family and is much like me in that she wanted a large family. I was telling her that today was our last day there and she said that she was really going to miss us. I got to know several of the residents pretty well. One of the guys there gave me a high five today and asked about my husband. He was actually the first shower that I gave. Most of the residents just want to sit and talk and for someone to just listen.
So after all was done, we got out of there pretty early. We got our certificates of class completion. I am an official Nurse's Aide, which is at the bottom of the food chain, but it is a requirement and I'm glad that it is. I learned so much, had so much fun, and met some wonderful people. As we were presented w/ our certificates, we had to take off our apron thingie (I'm drawing a blank and can't think of what it's called) and turn it in. We cheered each other on and some got emotional. Then we took a class picture. Then it was time to say our goodbyes. I went to a residents room and told her goodbye! I sat on her bed really quickly but I could feel that I was going to cry at any given moment. I gave her a hug and said that I enjoyed being there and getting to know them. As I left her room, I could feel the tears on the inside of my eyelids. I knew I was going to break at any given moment. I actually couldn't even tell my primary resident goodbye. That bothered me the most. There were several others that I wanted to say goodbye to but couldn't because I had gotten to know them so well that it made me sad leaving. So I sucked it up and hurried out to my car. The class was all leaving about the same time and was going to meet at TGI Fridays for a drink. I decided to go on home since my mom had picked up Tommy today.
Then, later I went to a really good friends house for a jewelry party. I didn't stay too long since I had plans on going out to eat to celebrate my certificate. I spent some well needed QT w/ my family. Tomorrow, I'm going to fish fry and I'm hoping to see a good friend of mine. She invited us but not sure if we will show up at the same time. We're gonna try. Then tomorrow night I'm going on a date night w/ my husband and another couple. We had a lot of fun the last time we all hung out. I know tomorrow night will be a blast. Next weekend I have a Halloween party to go to and then the next weekend is Halloween. Then I have a party early Nov. w/ the CNA class and then time for my girl Ali. Ali and I have been trying to do something now for a while. We both have been so busy that it's been hard to plan anything. I have a feeling that things have no plans on slowing down anytime soon. I enjoy staying busy but this time of year, it can be a little overwhelming.
Anyways, today has been a really good day, of course bittersweet, but a good day. I may go visit one of my closest friends in the class tomorrow. She does her clinical on Saturdays. I may have to pop in for a visit and maybe then I can officially tell the residents goodbye without crying. :-)
So the day moved on and I did a resident's nails. It was the same resident that allowed me to take her vitals. We talked and talked. She is such a sweet lady and I'm going to miss her smile! She was always in a good mood, always smiling, always singing! She was a very easy person to talk to. When I was doing her nails, she talked about her children and talked about a loss she had went through. I knew there was something I was drawn to about her but didn't really know what it was. We talked about my losses a little but I more wanted to hear her stories about growing up. She would talk about how she use to pick cotton and how her sister would aggravate her. She said that you didn't back talk back then but she would think it, it just wouldn't come out of her mouth. I could sit and listen to stories like this all day long. It is just interesting to see where others come from and to hear them talk about silly stories about their childhood. She has a large family and is much like me in that she wanted a large family. I was telling her that today was our last day there and she said that she was really going to miss us. I got to know several of the residents pretty well. One of the guys there gave me a high five today and asked about my husband. He was actually the first shower that I gave. Most of the residents just want to sit and talk and for someone to just listen.
So after all was done, we got out of there pretty early. We got our certificates of class completion. I am an official Nurse's Aide, which is at the bottom of the food chain, but it is a requirement and I'm glad that it is. I learned so much, had so much fun, and met some wonderful people. As we were presented w/ our certificates, we had to take off our apron thingie (I'm drawing a blank and can't think of what it's called) and turn it in. We cheered each other on and some got emotional. Then we took a class picture. Then it was time to say our goodbyes. I went to a residents room and told her goodbye! I sat on her bed really quickly but I could feel that I was going to cry at any given moment. I gave her a hug and said that I enjoyed being there and getting to know them. As I left her room, I could feel the tears on the inside of my eyelids. I knew I was going to break at any given moment. I actually couldn't even tell my primary resident goodbye. That bothered me the most. There were several others that I wanted to say goodbye to but couldn't because I had gotten to know them so well that it made me sad leaving. So I sucked it up and hurried out to my car. The class was all leaving about the same time and was going to meet at TGI Fridays for a drink. I decided to go on home since my mom had picked up Tommy today.
Then, later I went to a really good friends house for a jewelry party. I didn't stay too long since I had plans on going out to eat to celebrate my certificate. I spent some well needed QT w/ my family. Tomorrow, I'm going to fish fry and I'm hoping to see a good friend of mine. She invited us but not sure if we will show up at the same time. We're gonna try. Then tomorrow night I'm going on a date night w/ my husband and another couple. We had a lot of fun the last time we all hung out. I know tomorrow night will be a blast. Next weekend I have a Halloween party to go to and then the next weekend is Halloween. Then I have a party early Nov. w/ the CNA class and then time for my girl Ali. Ali and I have been trying to do something now for a while. We both have been so busy that it's been hard to plan anything. I have a feeling that things have no plans on slowing down anytime soon. I enjoy staying busy but this time of year, it can be a little overwhelming.
Anyways, today has been a really good day, of course bittersweet, but a good day. I may go visit one of my closest friends in the class tomorrow. She does her clinical on Saturdays. I may have to pop in for a visit and maybe then I can officially tell the residents goodbye without crying. :-)
Thursday, October 15, 2009
Life keeps going.....
Today was my last day of CNA class. I made an average of 96%, an A! I have one more day of clinical tomorrow and then the State exam in November to get my license. It has been a great week. Earlier this week I went out w/ a few of the girls from class to a place called Lebowski's. It was something I've needed for a while now, just some social time w/ the girls! The past couple of days have been finals. The first day was skills and today was the written. It was a very laid back, fun atmosphere. Our entire class got along so well. As happy as we all were that class is finally over, all of us would agree that it is bittersweet. We got to know each other very quickly and on a stronger level than most relationships. I mean, we had to do "peri" care for goodness sakes. Plus, everything we did, we worked as a team. We interacted with each other from day one. When we do clinical, we work as a team. It has been the best "school" experience so far. We had our jokster, Dorothy, our sweet little Liz, laid back Keona, and so many more that made the class fun. I would say that I bonded the most with Emily throughout the past 5 weeks since I talked to her a lot and did most of the skills working w/ her, however, I bonded w/ everyone. There is something special everyone brought to that class that won't be forgotten. We were all having a hard time today knowing that today was the last day of seeing the class as a whole. We get to see each other tomorrow, but some do clinical on Saturday. Then again in November, but some won't have the same test date. So, today was the last official day "together."
Our instructors were great and are going to be missed! You just get to know one another on more than a friendship level, it was more like another family. You have to basically "act" when doing skills. It is very funny so you have to immediately drop your pride and any embarrassments that you have. Plus, you aren't suppose to wear hardly any make up to class so you get to pretty much see how everyone wakes up in the mornings. You are all reaching for the same goal so immediately, you all have something in common. They called me the cross over. Since our class was so large, we were split into teams. We had 2 teams consisting of 10 people each. I actually got to know the other team more than anyone on my team did. Of course, I had a stronger relationship w/ my immediate team, but loved the entire class! We are all getting up in November! It will be good to see everyone again! Thank goodness for FB so we can keep in touch.
Another A that I made this week was on my A&P quiz Monday night. Anatomy and Physiology is a force to be reckon with. I don't enjoy that class at all, but I am learning more than I expected. I know a lot of the bones and muscles now. It's amazing how much you pick up with so much material being covered. I will be satisfied if I pass this class at this point. I've done fairly well but I'm sure my class average is around a low B. The class is so challenging and difficult that I will be ok if I pass with a C. Of course, that isn't what I'm striving for, but it is passing and I surely don't want to repeat this class over.
On another note, my husband and I are still planning on a little one. Hopefully soon but I'm at the point now where I know God will provide me w/ whatever is best. I know this because of the emotional struggles that I've had over the past several years and the trials I've experienced in the past year w/ relationships, family, friends, school, etc. My life has turned in a direction that I am really enjoying. I'm so happy for the people that God has brought into my life over the past several months. Yes, ultimately letting friends go is hard, but in the end, obviously it is best.
I have been provided the chance to get to know "ME." I've had so much "alone" time that I didn't really have a choice. I had to either become my best friend, or my own worst enemy. I chose the first! I understand myself more now and continue to work on the person that I hope to be one day. I don't believe things are "wrong" with me per say, however, there is always room for improvement. I now know what I need in other people. I spent so much time worried about who did and didn't like me that I never took the time to realize what I needed out of a relationship. I will continue to be the empathetic, sensitive person that I am. I won't change that for anyone, but I now know who truly appreciates that in someone. It isn't anyone's fault if they don't like the fact that I'm caring, I don't like the ones that aren't. I don't mesh well with people that are only concerned about themselves and never take the time to focus on someone worse off than them. Maybe it was the alone time that I had, or maybe it was the CNA class and doing things for the residents. Either way, I've learned so many lessens in the past few months.
I want to continue to care about people, that is what I do! Nursing is definitely the career I should be in. You get to help people every single day. There are actually people that appreciate that! I know helping others is something I enjoy doing. I know now that I was meant for this career path and I'm more determined now than ever. I refuse to be embarrassed over my emotions any longer, and refuse to change my colors for anyone. I'm so happy that I can finally be free of worrying about what others think of my "sensitive" side. I know that I'm sensitive but God has blessed me w/ that for a reason. I'm not talking about being a cry baby cuz since I've been off of that Thyroid medicine, that is no longer the case. I am still very sensitive to others regardless of the medicine. I still care and want the best for the people in my life. I would still do anything I could if it made their day a little brighter because at the end of the day, knowing that I could make their day just a tad happier, is what makes me happy. I'm not saying I'm a slave to others needs, but I have friends and family that need an ear here and there. Amazingly, that's all they need and that brightens their day.
So after realizing what I truly "need" in any relationship, I finally know how to let some things go and move on. I am a work in progress myself. I can't fault people for how they are, it is just...well...how they are. I am working on becoming the best person that I can be so when I look back at my life, I'm satisfied. Satisfied that I didn't take people or moments for grant it. We all do that, but I'm working on not doing it as much. Every single day I focus on what I can do to make myself a better person. Realizing that embracing change has been one of my biggest struggles. I have learned that not embracing it, makes it even harder to handle. I'm not a big person on change, never have been. I've realized that change is going to happen, rather I want it to or not. I've been working on "changing" my opinion of how the change will be. I believe having a more positive outlook really makes or breaks you. I have never been the most optimistic person, but definitely not the most pessimistic. At one time, I would focus on just my problems, not realizing that there is so many that have it so much worse than me. Now when trials come my way, I am learning to deal with them better. I think God of all the blessings that I DO have and don't worry about the ones I don't. Putting faith in him has also been my saving grace. I have a bad tendency to lean on God ONLY when the going goes rough. Slowly, I've realized that I need him at all times during my life.
I'm letting go of grudges and being nice to the ones that have done me wrong. When I look at the past, those people have at one time made me laugh, smile, and have a good time. I was happy to have these people in my life for the duration that they were here. It doesn't change the facts of how these relationships ended, but it does make me realize that this was a chapter in my life that was meant to only last for a while and then the ending would come. It was that word that I'm slowly learning about..."change", it's inevitable. I don't want to say it is the complete ending for these chapters because you never know what the future holds. When people grow, they change. Their opinions and personality change and circumstances may help them be a better person in the future.
For now, I'm focused on school and the best thing that has ever happened to me and that would be my son. My main goal is to do the best I can in school, graduate w/ a degree, move, and provide all the physical and mental necessities my son will ever need. My goal isn't to worry about things I can't change, things that are going to either happen or not rather we want it to or not, people that only bring me down, to hold grudges or to stay mad at the ones that do wrong. It just isn't worth it and is truly a waste of time. I can't believe that the most important thing to focus on has been right in front of my face for over 7 years, my child! Nothing else really matters. I believe if I can be a good person, good wife, friend, sister, daughter, mom, etc. then I've exceeded in accomplishments.
I'll continue to strive and better myself. I'm glad that God gave me that alone, empty time to really evaluate what and who really matters. I have been focused on all the wrong things and finally didn't have a choice but to get to know myself and my needs. Funny thing is, I don't really "need" that much. I've got all that I need and I keep getting blessed with more and more. I've had some wonderful friends enter my life over the past few months. I have no idea where most came from, but they are here and have proven to be great people. I spend time w/ them when I can, which isn't that often since I'm so busy, but ALL have been supportive and understanding. The best thing about these friendships is that there is an understanding of our time but we still keep in touch no matter how busy we are. Another thing, and I hate to bring it up, but it is my blog..is the miscarriages. Not a single one of them treats me any differently when that is brought up. They respect me and what I've been through, but don't treat me as though I'm breakable. I in turn, respect that about them. Sure, talking about the miscarriages is uncomfortable for most but for some reason, the friends I have now don't find it uncomfortable at all. We don't talk about it that often since that isn't what I usually want to talk about, but it comes up here and there when I talk about me and my husband trying again. They listen and talk me through things. I don't cry, get depressed, or upset, we just have a normal conversation.
My life is taking a wonderful turn and I'm so excited for this journey. It has already began and so far it is going great. I hope that I can continue to see the positives in anything regardless of what it is and keep moving on past the things that really don't matter. Those are just road bumps in the way that shouldn't deter my main focus!
I know this was scattered but I took a break in the middle of it and kinda lost my train of thought.
Our instructors were great and are going to be missed! You just get to know one another on more than a friendship level, it was more like another family. You have to basically "act" when doing skills. It is very funny so you have to immediately drop your pride and any embarrassments that you have. Plus, you aren't suppose to wear hardly any make up to class so you get to pretty much see how everyone wakes up in the mornings. You are all reaching for the same goal so immediately, you all have something in common. They called me the cross over. Since our class was so large, we were split into teams. We had 2 teams consisting of 10 people each. I actually got to know the other team more than anyone on my team did. Of course, I had a stronger relationship w/ my immediate team, but loved the entire class! We are all getting up in November! It will be good to see everyone again! Thank goodness for FB so we can keep in touch.
Another A that I made this week was on my A&P quiz Monday night. Anatomy and Physiology is a force to be reckon with. I don't enjoy that class at all, but I am learning more than I expected. I know a lot of the bones and muscles now. It's amazing how much you pick up with so much material being covered. I will be satisfied if I pass this class at this point. I've done fairly well but I'm sure my class average is around a low B. The class is so challenging and difficult that I will be ok if I pass with a C. Of course, that isn't what I'm striving for, but it is passing and I surely don't want to repeat this class over.
On another note, my husband and I are still planning on a little one. Hopefully soon but I'm at the point now where I know God will provide me w/ whatever is best. I know this because of the emotional struggles that I've had over the past several years and the trials I've experienced in the past year w/ relationships, family, friends, school, etc. My life has turned in a direction that I am really enjoying. I'm so happy for the people that God has brought into my life over the past several months. Yes, ultimately letting friends go is hard, but in the end, obviously it is best.
I have been provided the chance to get to know "ME." I've had so much "alone" time that I didn't really have a choice. I had to either become my best friend, or my own worst enemy. I chose the first! I understand myself more now and continue to work on the person that I hope to be one day. I don't believe things are "wrong" with me per say, however, there is always room for improvement. I now know what I need in other people. I spent so much time worried about who did and didn't like me that I never took the time to realize what I needed out of a relationship. I will continue to be the empathetic, sensitive person that I am. I won't change that for anyone, but I now know who truly appreciates that in someone. It isn't anyone's fault if they don't like the fact that I'm caring, I don't like the ones that aren't. I don't mesh well with people that are only concerned about themselves and never take the time to focus on someone worse off than them. Maybe it was the alone time that I had, or maybe it was the CNA class and doing things for the residents. Either way, I've learned so many lessens in the past few months.
I want to continue to care about people, that is what I do! Nursing is definitely the career I should be in. You get to help people every single day. There are actually people that appreciate that! I know helping others is something I enjoy doing. I know now that I was meant for this career path and I'm more determined now than ever. I refuse to be embarrassed over my emotions any longer, and refuse to change my colors for anyone. I'm so happy that I can finally be free of worrying about what others think of my "sensitive" side. I know that I'm sensitive but God has blessed me w/ that for a reason. I'm not talking about being a cry baby cuz since I've been off of that Thyroid medicine, that is no longer the case. I am still very sensitive to others regardless of the medicine. I still care and want the best for the people in my life. I would still do anything I could if it made their day a little brighter because at the end of the day, knowing that I could make their day just a tad happier, is what makes me happy. I'm not saying I'm a slave to others needs, but I have friends and family that need an ear here and there. Amazingly, that's all they need and that brightens their day.
So after realizing what I truly "need" in any relationship, I finally know how to let some things go and move on. I am a work in progress myself. I can't fault people for how they are, it is just...well...how they are. I am working on becoming the best person that I can be so when I look back at my life, I'm satisfied. Satisfied that I didn't take people or moments for grant it. We all do that, but I'm working on not doing it as much. Every single day I focus on what I can do to make myself a better person. Realizing that embracing change has been one of my biggest struggles. I have learned that not embracing it, makes it even harder to handle. I'm not a big person on change, never have been. I've realized that change is going to happen, rather I want it to or not. I've been working on "changing" my opinion of how the change will be. I believe having a more positive outlook really makes or breaks you. I have never been the most optimistic person, but definitely not the most pessimistic. At one time, I would focus on just my problems, not realizing that there is so many that have it so much worse than me. Now when trials come my way, I am learning to deal with them better. I think God of all the blessings that I DO have and don't worry about the ones I don't. Putting faith in him has also been my saving grace. I have a bad tendency to lean on God ONLY when the going goes rough. Slowly, I've realized that I need him at all times during my life.
I'm letting go of grudges and being nice to the ones that have done me wrong. When I look at the past, those people have at one time made me laugh, smile, and have a good time. I was happy to have these people in my life for the duration that they were here. It doesn't change the facts of how these relationships ended, but it does make me realize that this was a chapter in my life that was meant to only last for a while and then the ending would come. It was that word that I'm slowly learning about..."change", it's inevitable. I don't want to say it is the complete ending for these chapters because you never know what the future holds. When people grow, they change. Their opinions and personality change and circumstances may help them be a better person in the future.
For now, I'm focused on school and the best thing that has ever happened to me and that would be my son. My main goal is to do the best I can in school, graduate w/ a degree, move, and provide all the physical and mental necessities my son will ever need. My goal isn't to worry about things I can't change, things that are going to either happen or not rather we want it to or not, people that only bring me down, to hold grudges or to stay mad at the ones that do wrong. It just isn't worth it and is truly a waste of time. I can't believe that the most important thing to focus on has been right in front of my face for over 7 years, my child! Nothing else really matters. I believe if I can be a good person, good wife, friend, sister, daughter, mom, etc. then I've exceeded in accomplishments.
I'll continue to strive and better myself. I'm glad that God gave me that alone, empty time to really evaluate what and who really matters. I have been focused on all the wrong things and finally didn't have a choice but to get to know myself and my needs. Funny thing is, I don't really "need" that much. I've got all that I need and I keep getting blessed with more and more. I've had some wonderful friends enter my life over the past few months. I have no idea where most came from, but they are here and have proven to be great people. I spend time w/ them when I can, which isn't that often since I'm so busy, but ALL have been supportive and understanding. The best thing about these friendships is that there is an understanding of our time but we still keep in touch no matter how busy we are. Another thing, and I hate to bring it up, but it is my blog..is the miscarriages. Not a single one of them treats me any differently when that is brought up. They respect me and what I've been through, but don't treat me as though I'm breakable. I in turn, respect that about them. Sure, talking about the miscarriages is uncomfortable for most but for some reason, the friends I have now don't find it uncomfortable at all. We don't talk about it that often since that isn't what I usually want to talk about, but it comes up here and there when I talk about me and my husband trying again. They listen and talk me through things. I don't cry, get depressed, or upset, we just have a normal conversation.
My life is taking a wonderful turn and I'm so excited for this journey. It has already began and so far it is going great. I hope that I can continue to see the positives in anything regardless of what it is and keep moving on past the things that really don't matter. Those are just road bumps in the way that shouldn't deter my main focus!
I know this was scattered but I took a break in the middle of it and kinda lost my train of thought.
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Rambling .... Whys
It has been a while since I've posted so there is lots to talk about. First, I had a GREAT week at CNA classes. I only have one week left. I'm excited so that I no longer have to and sit in class for a few hours and that I don't have clinical on Friday but I made wonderful friends that I am going to miss seeing everyday. I am sure down the road we will all remain pretty close since we are all going for pretty much the same career. Who knows, may see some in future classes. One girl I really bonded with. I wish her and her husband lived closer. I bonded w/ the entire class but there is something about her that I seemed more drawn to. I think it is her easy, laid back personality. She made me laugh a lot during class and we also would talk about our husbands and how much our husbands are alike in so many different ways. It was nice to find that one person to really connect with. Luckily, our entire class got along really well. It was like having an additional small family to visit with every day. The end is closer but it will definitely be bittersweet.
Also this week I called my RE about trying again. They were so happy and supportive. That made me feel comforted and that they had positive thoughts about us trying for another little one. They asked if I was still taking my Thyroid medicine and I told a fib and said that I was. So they wanted to check my TSH levels and the nurse left me a message saying my TSH levels were normal at 2.7! I couldn't believe they were normal and I wasn't on the meds. I had been on Thyroid meds. off and on for a few years and hated the way I felt. I stressed that to my Dr.'s but no one would really listen. This was HUGE for me to have normal TSH levels w/ out taking medicine. I'm not really doing anything different besides taking the baby aspirin and prenatal vitamin daily. I have lost a little bit of weight but not enough to brag about. I have also eliminated stresses in my life that may have contributed to thyroid issues. I'm not sure but all along I have felt as though my body was telling me to come off of this stuff. It gave me red flags such as the hypothyroid symptoms were amplified on the meds. I felt so much better when I didn't take the medicine so I'm extremely glad that I went off of them which in December, it will be a year that I have been thyroid med. free. I also felt as though the medicine contributed to my miscarriages even though I haven't found a Dr. yet that would agree w/ my theory. Who knows, but I do know that I feel better and that was the best news I've had in a long time.
Moving on. Today I went to the pumpkin patch w/ my son and my mom. It was a lot of fun. My son, Tommy, got to ride the pony, pet the animals, pick out pumpkins, get one painted like Sponge Bob, go on a hay ride, and eat cotton candy. Oh, and the best part was when the girls let Tommy slide off the back of the pony when getting down. That was really cute! It was such a beautiful day to have some fall fun. Then, my day took somewhat of a curve ball.
I saw on my FB page that a friend of mine had her baby. Her baby wasn't due until November sometime but she had her today. I'm not really sure why she had her early but by her status on FB, looks as though mom and baby are doing fine. Anyways, for some reason, this made my day take a nose dive. I'm not really sure why exactly. I'm so happy for her and her husband and their new little baby girl. There is a little bit of history of our friendship that may put things more into perspective.
December of last year she had a miscarriage. This was her first pregnancy so I know she took it extremely hard. She happened to be out of town when she found out she lost the baby and I even told her I would drive to Ohio of she needed me. I have been through 4 miscarriages so I thought she could really use someone that could relate. She said she was ok and had her husband there for comfort. I didn't talk to her much about it when she got back because she kept me at such a distance. I'm not sure why to this day. I tried and tried to let her know if she needed anything that I was there for her. I put my pain on the line to help her with hers. I know that when I had my losses that talking to someone that could empathize helped me the most. I'm not saying what she did was wrong because I have no clue how she was feeling, I just knew how I felt and how a friend of mine, Sonya, helped me get through all of my losses. If it wasn't for Sonya, I don't know how I would have ever dealt w/ the pain I was going through. She made me see the light at the end of the rainbow and would not judge me on my emotions. I cried, A LOT, and I really only cried to her since she took on my sadness w/ out rushing me through my grief. No matter how long it took, she was always there and still is.
So back to the friend that her her baby. Around March, her and I talked a little more and we even went out. I found out the night we were all going out that she was pregnant. I actually guessed she was pregnant, she didn't come out and tell me. It was a strange night. We all went out since her cousin was in town and she didn't seem real happy. It could have been because she couldn't drink and probably didn't even want to be out at a club. There again, I'm just not real sure. So after that night, I would see her at my son's school on a regular basis. She was a teacher there so I would see her a lot in passing. It became so odd between us, I would see her but she wouldn't speak. It was always me speaking first until I finally decided not to speak anymore and then she never did make the first move to speak to me. So I finally emailed her about things and tried to smooth things over even though I had no idea what was wrong. What did I do this time? It always seems to be my fault so all I could do was over analyze what I could have done to get the cold shoulder. I even said I would help w/ a baby shower! She never even responded to that part of the email until months later when I brought it up. For heaven's sakes, I have miscarried and I'm willing to throw you a baby shower and you can't be thankful enough to at least respond to that! That really hurt me the most I suppose. I'm willing to put my pain on the line for your happiness but I thought that's what friends do, real friends. I thought we help each other and make those types of sacrifices. Am I wrong? And if so, maybe someone can give me clarification on how to be a "good" friend because being there and caring isn't it.
Moving on past that. I had a falling out w/ 2 of my closest friends early summer. It was all over me telling one of the girls that it hurt my feelings that she didn't come to a recital I had that I had been practicing for for over 9 months. It was an adult dance class and we only had one recital. One of the girls, Jan, that's the one I emailed. The other, Lisa, well....I never expected much from her so losing he friendship wasn't even a disappointment, I didn't even care. Jan, however, I was the closest to. We talked every single day and then I saw where Jan and Lisa had said some extremely hateful things about me. It cut me so deeply since I cared for our friendship and had NEVER talked about either the way they did me. It is such a long story but back to the friend that just had the baby. She is still friends w/ Jan and Lisa. This bothers me only because Jan and Lisa kiss up to her now that we are no longer friends. They only know K (the friend w/ the baby) through me and act as though they now have interest in her. I have so many emails where Jan said K was weird, strange, how her husband didn't like Jan, etc. etc. Lisa doesn't care about K in the least bit. She is nothing but a kiss ass and she knows it. I think they try to get to me through K's. That is what they began doing after our friendship ended, trying to get to me through mutual friends or my family! That's just crazy in itself. I mean, when K got married, I wanted to get her some nice things for her and her husband. Jan didn't want to spend any money on K and stressed that K was closer to me than them. I have wanted to send K the emails so badly but I think, what's the use? This kind of stuff always turns around on me. For that matter, I have email after email where Jan is running Lisa's name in the dirt up one side and down the other, but I have never sent them to Lisa. Lisa and Jan remain close and I'm a strong believer in what goes around comes around. I have never told Lisa all the smack Jan has said about her, even to this day even though it has been tempting.
Anyways, K was my good friend, one of my closest friends and then those 2 tramps try and "con" her into believing they actually care about her. I would say it's funny since K has kicked our friendship to the curb, but in all reality, I don't find it funny. I find it disturbing that people can talk crap about someone and then kiss their ass to make it truly look like they give a crap about the person. I suppose I feel more bad for K through the whole thing because she has no idea how they "really" feel about her. They don't want to see or spend time w/ her, they don't care that she just had a baby, and they sure as hell didn't care about her from the time they met her until now.
Ok, so about K. So anyways, we worked through our differences, or so I thought. We kept in touch over the summer even though she had to go to Ohio for some classes and I was also very busy during the summer w/ classes of my own and family in town. So then the school year begins. I haven't spent any time w/ K since really March, and it was now August. I hadn't seen her since June but we were both so busy over the summer. I finally laid my heart on the line AGAIN for a friend saying how I missed her and was the friendship worth working on. She emailed back saying that it was and that she just didn't know where to draw the line, meaning she was pregnant and I had miscarried. I felt someone good about the email and emailed her back saying really there wasn't a line that needed to be drawn. I was happy for her and her being pregnant shouldn't ruin our friendship. I do understand her stance on the situation but the truth was, I wasn't bothered by her being pregnant. I was looking forward to seeing her little girl when she got here. I was hoping to spend some time w/ K during her pregnancy and just seeing the baby things, shopping, or whatever. I wasn't bitter what so ever and was hoping to enjoy her excitement with her. Well, she never emailed back and there again, I felt so stupid for putting my feelings out there. I was disappointed in myself for thinking her and I could be close again. Apparently we just can't, even though that isn't what I wanted. She has made it obvious that this is what she wants. I am only one person and can only do so much to maintain a friendship, if the other person isn't devoting some time or emotions to the friendship, then it just won't work. So, knowing that we just couldn't be close again upset me. I'm a sensitive person anyways but I'm also a very good person. I do anything for the people that I care about. I had mixed feelings of why she pretty much cut off the friendship. Several reasons, those being, Jan and Lisa, no telling what they have told K or who knows, maybe they are all 3 closer than I think, then K's husband made a remark after her miscarriage saying how she shouldn't talk to women that can't have babies so then I thought they must think I'm contagious or if they eat the food or drink the water here that she will have another one, then I thought well maybe she is just busy, or maybe she thinks I have some crazy obsession w/ her pregnancy since I have miscarried several times, which BTW I have miscarried, that doesn't make me psycho. I don't have any obsession w/ someone's pregnancy or their baby. I don't have anything that anyone can catch so if it was superstitions, that is so stupid! And the whole Jan and Lisa thing, well there again, if that happens to be the reason, I only wish K knew how they really felt about her.
To this day, I really don't know the answer. I wish I did even if the truth hurt. I tend to beat myself up over things that I shouldn't. I don't see how someone could let their pregnancy ruin a friendship! How can a baby RUIN a friendship? I was hoping that I could help her and her husband out w/ the baby when they needed it. She doesn't have family here and I wouldn't mind watching her little girl to give them a break. Obviously, she has others that are willing to help and has all the help she needs. I know that having a baby is the happiest time during your life but that doesn't give you the right to treat the ones that care about you like shit. It just doesn't justify her actions. As much as I would have liked to have seen the baby today, or any future days, I won't ask to. At this point, I really don't even know if I want to since she hasn't had anything to do w/ me in months. It would be stupid on my part to put myself out there, yet again, for her to hurt me. I love babies, I do, I would have loved to given her little baby a warm welcome but I just can't. I find shielding my feelings more important these days then what goes on in everyone's lives that's important to them. I had even began crocheting this gorgeous blanket for her little one but decided to stop a while back. I haven't finished it but at the time I felt as though it wouldn't mean anything to her that I devoted my time, my heart, my aching wrist to do something special for her baby. I was so excited when I was crocheting the blanket. I was still thinking that her and I were close until the last email that went back and forth. I was hoping the outcome was different but there is nothing I can do.
You live and you learn I suppose. I'm not mad at her and do wish her and her family the best, but yes, it hurt me to lose yet another friend. I don't care if I'm emotional, that's just me. I'm the type of person that will be there when you need someone and will stop what I'm doing to let you cry on my shoulder even though I have enough struggles of my own. I put them to the side for other people. That has been taken for grant it and I'm sick of it to be honest. There's gonna come a day when these same people will need someone like me and look around and guess what, there isn't anyone. Yep, I maybe overly emotionally, but thank GOD I have emotions. There are some out there that walk through life not caring about anything or anyone. Too many are self full and not selfish. I'm glad that I care about other people, I'm glad that's the person that I am and I will never give that up for anyone. That's me and that's what makes me who I am! I care, so what! Is that a character flaw? And if so, then I'm just damaged.
So today, when I saw the status of her having her baby. I was happy, extremely happy, at first and then I got blue. Not at her, I don't really even know the reason. Was it that I was jealous of the baby? Could it be that my husband and her husband were really close at one time and never even talk these days?, or was it that I missed her being my friend? Maybe it was all of the above. My first instinct was to send a message and ask what hospital in hopes that her and I are still close friends, but then reality hit and I knew that more than likely she didn't want me to come see her. It was sad in a way because I was so happy for her, yet so confused as to where our friendship stood. So now, I'm like her, wondering where I draw that line. I don't want her to think that I have some fixation about her baby, but yet, I want her to know that I'm excited for her. I know that feeling of just having your baby. You want the whole world to share your happiness but in this case, I don't feel as though I'm invited or included in sharing that happiness. So, is it better for me to not waste my time and just move on, to try and still remain friends, or just be nice and that's it?
I wish I knew where my sadness came from today. If I could have pinpointed it, maybe I could have tried to overcome it. Instead, it just made me sad for the rest of the day. I sulked I guess. Feeling like I was all alone w/ no one to talk to about how I felt. I didn't or haven't even told my husband. I get tired of telling people when I'm sad because for the most part, people just don't care. My emotions have now become an embarrassment. I'm embarrassed to express any emotion these days. I feel like I'm talked about as though I should be the poster child for Prozac. It is the worst feeling in the world feeling as though everyone around you thinks that you just need help, not that you are just a caring, genuine person. Yes, I cry, I cry when I should cry. There were times when I cried more than I should but that is because I was grieving. Since when does someone tell you your time is up for grieving? If I think about my miscarriages, yes, I will probably cry. My grandmother passed away in 1985 and my mom still cries to this day around the time of her mom's passing. So should I tell my mom to suck it up and that she has had long enough to cry over her mother? That's crap! Grieving looks different on everyone and we all handle it differently. I feel as though I haven't had healthy friendships because they can't deal w/ the sad days that I would have. I didn't have them every single day but yes, I had them! We all have them and if I was willing to take on their depressions or emotions, why couldn't they do the same for me? It's frustrating but more than that, it makes you feel labeled and singled out like you are crazy or something. There have been moments where I thought I can't take feeling sad any longer, but I would snap out of it and finally hit acceptance. I have accepted the 4 miscarriages that I have had, however, that doesn't mean that I can't still cry when I think about them. I don't need to smile because someone doesn't find my grieving process appropriate. It is like telling someone not to cry a month later or even years later over the passing of their child. It is unrealistic and I feel as though that is what has been expected of me. I can't always be strong but I do try. I try like hell because I can't take anyone seeing any emotions besides happiness in me these days.
I do have to say that lately, I've been the happiest I've been in a REALLY long time. I'm not sure why unless it has something to do w/ moving past the friendships of Jan and Lisa and putting my effort into school work. I feel less stressed and happy. I have normal emotions like us "humans" have so I'm within my rights to have a bad day and I do have them but mainly when my monthly visitor is on the way. For the most part, I feel more emotionally stable if you will. Honestly, I think the thyroid meds. added to my depression. When I didn't take them, my emotions were normal and I felt as though I had your normal emotions, when I took the thyroid meds., I cried about every single day non stop for months. I may go a day here and there w/ out crying but for the most part, I always felt sad. Hard to believe that the thyroid meds. may have ended my friendships but I can't really blame the medicine because REAL friends would have been there for you no matter what you were going through. Friends are suppose to lift your spirit, not make you feel dumb or stupid because you are crying.
Anyways, this is long but it's been a while. I'm hoping to keep posting but I am busy studying all the time. I am sure I will get past this whole feeling sad thing eventually. It isn't anything personal towards K, it is just that maybe I have missed her but I'm doing my best in just moving on. There's nothing else I can do as this point. I can't stand still when I've laid it out there. I've tried to be a good friend, no I take that back, I was a good friend, but maybe I'm not the good friend that she needs. I do know that another chapter has opened in my life and I've had some wonderful "new" people enter my life and I'm looking forward to the next journey.
Also this week I called my RE about trying again. They were so happy and supportive. That made me feel comforted and that they had positive thoughts about us trying for another little one. They asked if I was still taking my Thyroid medicine and I told a fib and said that I was. So they wanted to check my TSH levels and the nurse left me a message saying my TSH levels were normal at 2.7! I couldn't believe they were normal and I wasn't on the meds. I had been on Thyroid meds. off and on for a few years and hated the way I felt. I stressed that to my Dr.'s but no one would really listen. This was HUGE for me to have normal TSH levels w/ out taking medicine. I'm not really doing anything different besides taking the baby aspirin and prenatal vitamin daily. I have lost a little bit of weight but not enough to brag about. I have also eliminated stresses in my life that may have contributed to thyroid issues. I'm not sure but all along I have felt as though my body was telling me to come off of this stuff. It gave me red flags such as the hypothyroid symptoms were amplified on the meds. I felt so much better when I didn't take the medicine so I'm extremely glad that I went off of them which in December, it will be a year that I have been thyroid med. free. I also felt as though the medicine contributed to my miscarriages even though I haven't found a Dr. yet that would agree w/ my theory. Who knows, but I do know that I feel better and that was the best news I've had in a long time.
Moving on. Today I went to the pumpkin patch w/ my son and my mom. It was a lot of fun. My son, Tommy, got to ride the pony, pet the animals, pick out pumpkins, get one painted like Sponge Bob, go on a hay ride, and eat cotton candy. Oh, and the best part was when the girls let Tommy slide off the back of the pony when getting down. That was really cute! It was such a beautiful day to have some fall fun. Then, my day took somewhat of a curve ball.
I saw on my FB page that a friend of mine had her baby. Her baby wasn't due until November sometime but she had her today. I'm not really sure why she had her early but by her status on FB, looks as though mom and baby are doing fine. Anyways, for some reason, this made my day take a nose dive. I'm not really sure why exactly. I'm so happy for her and her husband and their new little baby girl. There is a little bit of history of our friendship that may put things more into perspective.
December of last year she had a miscarriage. This was her first pregnancy so I know she took it extremely hard. She happened to be out of town when she found out she lost the baby and I even told her I would drive to Ohio of she needed me. I have been through 4 miscarriages so I thought she could really use someone that could relate. She said she was ok and had her husband there for comfort. I didn't talk to her much about it when she got back because she kept me at such a distance. I'm not sure why to this day. I tried and tried to let her know if she needed anything that I was there for her. I put my pain on the line to help her with hers. I know that when I had my losses that talking to someone that could empathize helped me the most. I'm not saying what she did was wrong because I have no clue how she was feeling, I just knew how I felt and how a friend of mine, Sonya, helped me get through all of my losses. If it wasn't for Sonya, I don't know how I would have ever dealt w/ the pain I was going through. She made me see the light at the end of the rainbow and would not judge me on my emotions. I cried, A LOT, and I really only cried to her since she took on my sadness w/ out rushing me through my grief. No matter how long it took, she was always there and still is.
So back to the friend that her her baby. Around March, her and I talked a little more and we even went out. I found out the night we were all going out that she was pregnant. I actually guessed she was pregnant, she didn't come out and tell me. It was a strange night. We all went out since her cousin was in town and she didn't seem real happy. It could have been because she couldn't drink and probably didn't even want to be out at a club. There again, I'm just not real sure. So after that night, I would see her at my son's school on a regular basis. She was a teacher there so I would see her a lot in passing. It became so odd between us, I would see her but she wouldn't speak. It was always me speaking first until I finally decided not to speak anymore and then she never did make the first move to speak to me. So I finally emailed her about things and tried to smooth things over even though I had no idea what was wrong. What did I do this time? It always seems to be my fault so all I could do was over analyze what I could have done to get the cold shoulder. I even said I would help w/ a baby shower! She never even responded to that part of the email until months later when I brought it up. For heaven's sakes, I have miscarried and I'm willing to throw you a baby shower and you can't be thankful enough to at least respond to that! That really hurt me the most I suppose. I'm willing to put my pain on the line for your happiness but I thought that's what friends do, real friends. I thought we help each other and make those types of sacrifices. Am I wrong? And if so, maybe someone can give me clarification on how to be a "good" friend because being there and caring isn't it.
Moving on past that. I had a falling out w/ 2 of my closest friends early summer. It was all over me telling one of the girls that it hurt my feelings that she didn't come to a recital I had that I had been practicing for for over 9 months. It was an adult dance class and we only had one recital. One of the girls, Jan, that's the one I emailed. The other, Lisa, well....I never expected much from her so losing he friendship wasn't even a disappointment, I didn't even care. Jan, however, I was the closest to. We talked every single day and then I saw where Jan and Lisa had said some extremely hateful things about me. It cut me so deeply since I cared for our friendship and had NEVER talked about either the way they did me. It is such a long story but back to the friend that just had the baby. She is still friends w/ Jan and Lisa. This bothers me only because Jan and Lisa kiss up to her now that we are no longer friends. They only know K (the friend w/ the baby) through me and act as though they now have interest in her. I have so many emails where Jan said K was weird, strange, how her husband didn't like Jan, etc. etc. Lisa doesn't care about K in the least bit. She is nothing but a kiss ass and she knows it. I think they try to get to me through K's. That is what they began doing after our friendship ended, trying to get to me through mutual friends or my family! That's just crazy in itself. I mean, when K got married, I wanted to get her some nice things for her and her husband. Jan didn't want to spend any money on K and stressed that K was closer to me than them. I have wanted to send K the emails so badly but I think, what's the use? This kind of stuff always turns around on me. For that matter, I have email after email where Jan is running Lisa's name in the dirt up one side and down the other, but I have never sent them to Lisa. Lisa and Jan remain close and I'm a strong believer in what goes around comes around. I have never told Lisa all the smack Jan has said about her, even to this day even though it has been tempting.
Anyways, K was my good friend, one of my closest friends and then those 2 tramps try and "con" her into believing they actually care about her. I would say it's funny since K has kicked our friendship to the curb, but in all reality, I don't find it funny. I find it disturbing that people can talk crap about someone and then kiss their ass to make it truly look like they give a crap about the person. I suppose I feel more bad for K through the whole thing because she has no idea how they "really" feel about her. They don't want to see or spend time w/ her, they don't care that she just had a baby, and they sure as hell didn't care about her from the time they met her until now.
Ok, so about K. So anyways, we worked through our differences, or so I thought. We kept in touch over the summer even though she had to go to Ohio for some classes and I was also very busy during the summer w/ classes of my own and family in town. So then the school year begins. I haven't spent any time w/ K since really March, and it was now August. I hadn't seen her since June but we were both so busy over the summer. I finally laid my heart on the line AGAIN for a friend saying how I missed her and was the friendship worth working on. She emailed back saying that it was and that she just didn't know where to draw the line, meaning she was pregnant and I had miscarried. I felt someone good about the email and emailed her back saying really there wasn't a line that needed to be drawn. I was happy for her and her being pregnant shouldn't ruin our friendship. I do understand her stance on the situation but the truth was, I wasn't bothered by her being pregnant. I was looking forward to seeing her little girl when she got here. I was hoping to spend some time w/ K during her pregnancy and just seeing the baby things, shopping, or whatever. I wasn't bitter what so ever and was hoping to enjoy her excitement with her. Well, she never emailed back and there again, I felt so stupid for putting my feelings out there. I was disappointed in myself for thinking her and I could be close again. Apparently we just can't, even though that isn't what I wanted. She has made it obvious that this is what she wants. I am only one person and can only do so much to maintain a friendship, if the other person isn't devoting some time or emotions to the friendship, then it just won't work. So, knowing that we just couldn't be close again upset me. I'm a sensitive person anyways but I'm also a very good person. I do anything for the people that I care about. I had mixed feelings of why she pretty much cut off the friendship. Several reasons, those being, Jan and Lisa, no telling what they have told K or who knows, maybe they are all 3 closer than I think, then K's husband made a remark after her miscarriage saying how she shouldn't talk to women that can't have babies so then I thought they must think I'm contagious or if they eat the food or drink the water here that she will have another one, then I thought well maybe she is just busy, or maybe she thinks I have some crazy obsession w/ her pregnancy since I have miscarried several times, which BTW I have miscarried, that doesn't make me psycho. I don't have any obsession w/ someone's pregnancy or their baby. I don't have anything that anyone can catch so if it was superstitions, that is so stupid! And the whole Jan and Lisa thing, well there again, if that happens to be the reason, I only wish K knew how they really felt about her.
To this day, I really don't know the answer. I wish I did even if the truth hurt. I tend to beat myself up over things that I shouldn't. I don't see how someone could let their pregnancy ruin a friendship! How can a baby RUIN a friendship? I was hoping that I could help her and her husband out w/ the baby when they needed it. She doesn't have family here and I wouldn't mind watching her little girl to give them a break. Obviously, she has others that are willing to help and has all the help she needs. I know that having a baby is the happiest time during your life but that doesn't give you the right to treat the ones that care about you like shit. It just doesn't justify her actions. As much as I would have liked to have seen the baby today, or any future days, I won't ask to. At this point, I really don't even know if I want to since she hasn't had anything to do w/ me in months. It would be stupid on my part to put myself out there, yet again, for her to hurt me. I love babies, I do, I would have loved to given her little baby a warm welcome but I just can't. I find shielding my feelings more important these days then what goes on in everyone's lives that's important to them. I had even began crocheting this gorgeous blanket for her little one but decided to stop a while back. I haven't finished it but at the time I felt as though it wouldn't mean anything to her that I devoted my time, my heart, my aching wrist to do something special for her baby. I was so excited when I was crocheting the blanket. I was still thinking that her and I were close until the last email that went back and forth. I was hoping the outcome was different but there is nothing I can do.
You live and you learn I suppose. I'm not mad at her and do wish her and her family the best, but yes, it hurt me to lose yet another friend. I don't care if I'm emotional, that's just me. I'm the type of person that will be there when you need someone and will stop what I'm doing to let you cry on my shoulder even though I have enough struggles of my own. I put them to the side for other people. That has been taken for grant it and I'm sick of it to be honest. There's gonna come a day when these same people will need someone like me and look around and guess what, there isn't anyone. Yep, I maybe overly emotionally, but thank GOD I have emotions. There are some out there that walk through life not caring about anything or anyone. Too many are self full and not selfish. I'm glad that I care about other people, I'm glad that's the person that I am and I will never give that up for anyone. That's me and that's what makes me who I am! I care, so what! Is that a character flaw? And if so, then I'm just damaged.
So today, when I saw the status of her having her baby. I was happy, extremely happy, at first and then I got blue. Not at her, I don't really even know the reason. Was it that I was jealous of the baby? Could it be that my husband and her husband were really close at one time and never even talk these days?, or was it that I missed her being my friend? Maybe it was all of the above. My first instinct was to send a message and ask what hospital in hopes that her and I are still close friends, but then reality hit and I knew that more than likely she didn't want me to come see her. It was sad in a way because I was so happy for her, yet so confused as to where our friendship stood. So now, I'm like her, wondering where I draw that line. I don't want her to think that I have some fixation about her baby, but yet, I want her to know that I'm excited for her. I know that feeling of just having your baby. You want the whole world to share your happiness but in this case, I don't feel as though I'm invited or included in sharing that happiness. So, is it better for me to not waste my time and just move on, to try and still remain friends, or just be nice and that's it?
I wish I knew where my sadness came from today. If I could have pinpointed it, maybe I could have tried to overcome it. Instead, it just made me sad for the rest of the day. I sulked I guess. Feeling like I was all alone w/ no one to talk to about how I felt. I didn't or haven't even told my husband. I get tired of telling people when I'm sad because for the most part, people just don't care. My emotions have now become an embarrassment. I'm embarrassed to express any emotion these days. I feel like I'm talked about as though I should be the poster child for Prozac. It is the worst feeling in the world feeling as though everyone around you thinks that you just need help, not that you are just a caring, genuine person. Yes, I cry, I cry when I should cry. There were times when I cried more than I should but that is because I was grieving. Since when does someone tell you your time is up for grieving? If I think about my miscarriages, yes, I will probably cry. My grandmother passed away in 1985 and my mom still cries to this day around the time of her mom's passing. So should I tell my mom to suck it up and that she has had long enough to cry over her mother? That's crap! Grieving looks different on everyone and we all handle it differently. I feel as though I haven't had healthy friendships because they can't deal w/ the sad days that I would have. I didn't have them every single day but yes, I had them! We all have them and if I was willing to take on their depressions or emotions, why couldn't they do the same for me? It's frustrating but more than that, it makes you feel labeled and singled out like you are crazy or something. There have been moments where I thought I can't take feeling sad any longer, but I would snap out of it and finally hit acceptance. I have accepted the 4 miscarriages that I have had, however, that doesn't mean that I can't still cry when I think about them. I don't need to smile because someone doesn't find my grieving process appropriate. It is like telling someone not to cry a month later or even years later over the passing of their child. It is unrealistic and I feel as though that is what has been expected of me. I can't always be strong but I do try. I try like hell because I can't take anyone seeing any emotions besides happiness in me these days.
I do have to say that lately, I've been the happiest I've been in a REALLY long time. I'm not sure why unless it has something to do w/ moving past the friendships of Jan and Lisa and putting my effort into school work. I feel less stressed and happy. I have normal emotions like us "humans" have so I'm within my rights to have a bad day and I do have them but mainly when my monthly visitor is on the way. For the most part, I feel more emotionally stable if you will. Honestly, I think the thyroid meds. added to my depression. When I didn't take them, my emotions were normal and I felt as though I had your normal emotions, when I took the thyroid meds., I cried about every single day non stop for months. I may go a day here and there w/ out crying but for the most part, I always felt sad. Hard to believe that the thyroid meds. may have ended my friendships but I can't really blame the medicine because REAL friends would have been there for you no matter what you were going through. Friends are suppose to lift your spirit, not make you feel dumb or stupid because you are crying.
Anyways, this is long but it's been a while. I'm hoping to keep posting but I am busy studying all the time. I am sure I will get past this whole feeling sad thing eventually. It isn't anything personal towards K, it is just that maybe I have missed her but I'm doing my best in just moving on. There's nothing else I can do as this point. I can't stand still when I've laid it out there. I've tried to be a good friend, no I take that back, I was a good friend, but maybe I'm not the good friend that she needs. I do know that another chapter has opened in my life and I've had some wonderful "new" people enter my life and I'm looking forward to the next journey.
Saturday, October 3, 2009
How your actions and words can make and impact.....
So I know I sound so redundant lately but the truth is, all I can think about is our losses and trying for another child. I have reflected back on how "alone" I have felt over the years during these times of deep despair. I needed my family and my friends to be there for me during these horrible, heartbreaking times. To my surprise, many walked out of my life instead of helping me through my losses. It has bothered me more than ever lately. I suppose thinking about trying again and who to tell and who not to. My blog is public, however, I don't have many that even know that I have now created a blog. I have made the choice not to include the ones I consider the closest to me in my decision to try again, nor do they know how sad I have been lately. Every time I would talk about my grief, the miscarriage process, or us trying again, it only pushed people away. I just can't figure it out! Why would that push people out of your life when you need them so much? They can only use the excuse of being "uncomfortable" for so long! I mean, I'm uncomfortable knowing that my friend has committed adultery, my family member has marriage problems, people I know have lost their jobs, and even others have lost loved ones, but I have NEVER walked out of their lives. I have stood by them and even in the most awkward moments, I am STILL there for them to lean on. We are faced with "uncomfortable" moments on a daily basis, do we turn the other cheek or learn to deal with it the best we can? I have been put in situations that are stressful, embarrassing, uncomfortable, sad, angry, etc. but I have learned to deal with them and NOT turn the other cheek. I try to take these moments face on even if I am blind sided. I suppose some may not understand the impact they make on others when they turn their backs on them, and yet, others just don't care.
So who do I talk to about trying again? Who do I lean on if we should suffer another loss yet again? I haven't even told one person in my family, nor have I told any people that I talk to pretty regularly. The only people that I have even uttered a word to are the ones in my CNA class. I'm not emotionally attached to any of them at this moment and we only have 2 more weeks together. After that, we may keep in touch but I doubt it will be a lot since we won't get to spend time together in class any longer. Any bonds that have formed during the CNA class will more than likely slowly fade away. Sad, but the reality is that we won't spend hours together on a daily basis any longer. I'll be back to spending most of my available time on studying, going up to my son's school to help when I can, and trying for another baby.
Part of me is scared again to battle these emotions alone, scared that I will push people away AGAIN. I'm not sure what I did so wrong or what is wrong w/ me that people can't seem to stick around when I need them the most. I have no one but my husband and to be honest, he really just doesn't understand. He can't relate to a woman's emotions the same way another woman can. I've tried to talk to him in the past but even he has made me feel stupid or as though something is wrong with me for grieving. I don't believe it is intentional on his part, but more that he doesn't share the same grief or there again, share hormones that women do. He brushes it off as though nothing ever happened. He doesn't have the deep depression and sadness that I do after a loss. I think he is sad, but definitely not on the same level as I am. So who do I turn to if we suffer another loss, or for that matter, just to talk about trying again and who to talk to when and if we conceive and the worry I will feel during the pregnancy? I truly have no one! I'm not throwing a pity party for myself even though I would be within my rights of doing so, but more venting about the self absorbed, self consumed assholes that claimed to have been friends or good family members in the first place!
These are the people that I turned to when I was in my darkest moments The ones that I trusted to help me through these, to help ease my pain, instead, they only made it 10 x's worse by walking away. Not only did I have to deal with the emotions of having 4 MC's, I had to deal with the loss of my family and friends. So then I had to take on an even larger problem...isolation. I feel as though I have to mask who I really am when all I really want is someone to talk to when I'm feeling blue. For example: If I get upset w/ my husband and he asks what's wrong, I tell him a lie and sometimes even make up why I am mad instead of telling him the truth is that I'm upset because I am still dealing with the emotions from my losses. I am not big on lying at all, but that is what I have to do these days in order to salvage any of my relationships. I can't bring myself to tell the truth about my grief. I feel stupid and silly when expressing how sad I am to anyone, even those that aren't close to me. When meeting new people, I may bring up the MC's but I don't talk about the emotions I feel behind them. I have to "act" as though I'm ok and that I'm "strong." It all catches up with me eventually and I do nothing but sob behind closed doors and if I'm caught crying, I never say it is because of the MC's. How awful is that? In a way, I feel sorry for myself. I suppose because I would feel sorry for anyone that has to live a life in shame over their grief or suffering. Someone that has to hide from their own emotions! How could anyone make someone else feel stupid over their pain? What kind of people do this?
To this day, I have never dealt with my grief in a healthy way. I hide from everyone when I'm sad or angry because I feel abnormal for feeling these emotions from time to time. People are so cruel! I have learned to love my son and my dogs more than anyone in this world. Sadly, I depend on them to make my days brighter since both have unconditional love and understanding. My son is only 7 and has taken on the burden of my sadness. He has never once walked away from me when I am upset, instead he puts his little arm around my neck, sits on my lap, asks me what's wrong, and tells me that he loves me. He has even taken is little hand across my cheek to dry up my tears. He sits quietly and listens to me explain that I'm ok, just having a sad moment. If a 7 year old can sit quietly and listen to you, why can't an adult? He is interested in how I'm feeling and will listen to me as long as I need to talk. He comforts me more than anyone ever has and tries his best to cheer me up. He is aware that we have 4 angels in heaven but even when I say mommy's sad over something else, he isn't fooled. He knows the majority of the time when I have hit that type of sadness, that it is over our losses. He may not bring them up and "pretends" to go along w/ my lie if I say mommy is sad over something else, but he knows the truth. My son is the joy of my life! He is the ONLY one that can make me smile during these difficult times. He expresses his love for me and has no fear when tackling my tears. I always thought it was the mom that dried up their children's tears. :-) He should never have to carry this weight, but he does with such strength and love.
He doesn't have a clue that we are wanting to try again. I just don't want him taking on any more of my emotions or stresses. Trying isn't the funnest thing in the world. It is stressful and having 2 pink lines is exciting but more scary than anything.
I didn't mean to get off on a ramble but I found another link on what to and not to do. When reading it, I just cried thinking of how many people that I loved and cherished walked out of my life due to my misfortunes. I also thought about how when they chose to walk out, they did it permanently. One statement in this blog touched on that. I hope eventually I won't constantly talk about the miscarriages but the truth is, this is all I have thought about lately and my piss poor friendships that have went sour. There are days where I just want to slap these people in the face and see if they would wake up to reality, the world doesn't revolve around them, it revolves around many and it's time to "grow up" and face uncomfortable moments. Stop putting yourself on the pedestal for one day and think about others that are going through hard times. Show some compassion!!! I have been surrounded by nothing but heartless people, however, these are the same people that call you up when they are having a bad f-king day and expect you to put all your problems aside so that you can be there for them! And I use to be that person, but not these days. I don't care anymore about their pains and many times, sadly, I have almost wished them heartache so when they call me up and "need" someone to help them through, I won't be that person!
I also wanted to say that it isn't abnormal to feel uncomfortable around someone that has suffered a loss, but you have to figure out a way to get past that. It isn't uncomfortable for the one that has suffered the loss to talk to a friend about it. It is more comforting than anything that they are willing to put themselves out there for your emotions. No one wants to burden anyone with their struggles, we just want people that are willing to listen without judgment and that will dig deep for the strength not to shut the door and walk away because the conversation isn't the "ideal" topic. When these people choose to walk away, they have ultimately walked away for good. Someone that is grieving will more than likely never let those people in their lives again and if they do, they won't let them get close to them on an emotional level. I can't find it in me to allow the people that have walked away another chance. I don't feel as though they deserve it and sharing any emotion with them is out of the question. Sharing any aspect of my life is no longer an option.
The blog I found of interest is
http://opentohopepregnancyloss.com/pregnancy-loss/pregnancy-loss/grief-support-101-how-to-help-a-bereaved-friend-or-loved-one/
http://opentohopepregnancyloss.com/pregnancy-loss/pregnancy-loss/%E2%80%98grief-is-an-illness%E2%80%99-and-other-myths-surrounding-loss/
So who do I talk to about trying again? Who do I lean on if we should suffer another loss yet again? I haven't even told one person in my family, nor have I told any people that I talk to pretty regularly. The only people that I have even uttered a word to are the ones in my CNA class. I'm not emotionally attached to any of them at this moment and we only have 2 more weeks together. After that, we may keep in touch but I doubt it will be a lot since we won't get to spend time together in class any longer. Any bonds that have formed during the CNA class will more than likely slowly fade away. Sad, but the reality is that we won't spend hours together on a daily basis any longer. I'll be back to spending most of my available time on studying, going up to my son's school to help when I can, and trying for another baby.
Part of me is scared again to battle these emotions alone, scared that I will push people away AGAIN. I'm not sure what I did so wrong or what is wrong w/ me that people can't seem to stick around when I need them the most. I have no one but my husband and to be honest, he really just doesn't understand. He can't relate to a woman's emotions the same way another woman can. I've tried to talk to him in the past but even he has made me feel stupid or as though something is wrong with me for grieving. I don't believe it is intentional on his part, but more that he doesn't share the same grief or there again, share hormones that women do. He brushes it off as though nothing ever happened. He doesn't have the deep depression and sadness that I do after a loss. I think he is sad, but definitely not on the same level as I am. So who do I turn to if we suffer another loss, or for that matter, just to talk about trying again and who to talk to when and if we conceive and the worry I will feel during the pregnancy? I truly have no one! I'm not throwing a pity party for myself even though I would be within my rights of doing so, but more venting about the self absorbed, self consumed assholes that claimed to have been friends or good family members in the first place!
These are the people that I turned to when I was in my darkest moments The ones that I trusted to help me through these, to help ease my pain, instead, they only made it 10 x's worse by walking away. Not only did I have to deal with the emotions of having 4 MC's, I had to deal with the loss of my family and friends. So then I had to take on an even larger problem...isolation. I feel as though I have to mask who I really am when all I really want is someone to talk to when I'm feeling blue. For example: If I get upset w/ my husband and he asks what's wrong, I tell him a lie and sometimes even make up why I am mad instead of telling him the truth is that I'm upset because I am still dealing with the emotions from my losses. I am not big on lying at all, but that is what I have to do these days in order to salvage any of my relationships. I can't bring myself to tell the truth about my grief. I feel stupid and silly when expressing how sad I am to anyone, even those that aren't close to me. When meeting new people, I may bring up the MC's but I don't talk about the emotions I feel behind them. I have to "act" as though I'm ok and that I'm "strong." It all catches up with me eventually and I do nothing but sob behind closed doors and if I'm caught crying, I never say it is because of the MC's. How awful is that? In a way, I feel sorry for myself. I suppose because I would feel sorry for anyone that has to live a life in shame over their grief or suffering. Someone that has to hide from their own emotions! How could anyone make someone else feel stupid over their pain? What kind of people do this?
To this day, I have never dealt with my grief in a healthy way. I hide from everyone when I'm sad or angry because I feel abnormal for feeling these emotions from time to time. People are so cruel! I have learned to love my son and my dogs more than anyone in this world. Sadly, I depend on them to make my days brighter since both have unconditional love and understanding. My son is only 7 and has taken on the burden of my sadness. He has never once walked away from me when I am upset, instead he puts his little arm around my neck, sits on my lap, asks me what's wrong, and tells me that he loves me. He has even taken is little hand across my cheek to dry up my tears. He sits quietly and listens to me explain that I'm ok, just having a sad moment. If a 7 year old can sit quietly and listen to you, why can't an adult? He is interested in how I'm feeling and will listen to me as long as I need to talk. He comforts me more than anyone ever has and tries his best to cheer me up. He is aware that we have 4 angels in heaven but even when I say mommy's sad over something else, he isn't fooled. He knows the majority of the time when I have hit that type of sadness, that it is over our losses. He may not bring them up and "pretends" to go along w/ my lie if I say mommy is sad over something else, but he knows the truth. My son is the joy of my life! He is the ONLY one that can make me smile during these difficult times. He expresses his love for me and has no fear when tackling my tears. I always thought it was the mom that dried up their children's tears. :-) He should never have to carry this weight, but he does with such strength and love.
He doesn't have a clue that we are wanting to try again. I just don't want him taking on any more of my emotions or stresses. Trying isn't the funnest thing in the world. It is stressful and having 2 pink lines is exciting but more scary than anything.
I didn't mean to get off on a ramble but I found another link on what to and not to do. When reading it, I just cried thinking of how many people that I loved and cherished walked out of my life due to my misfortunes. I also thought about how when they chose to walk out, they did it permanently. One statement in this blog touched on that. I hope eventually I won't constantly talk about the miscarriages but the truth is, this is all I have thought about lately and my piss poor friendships that have went sour. There are days where I just want to slap these people in the face and see if they would wake up to reality, the world doesn't revolve around them, it revolves around many and it's time to "grow up" and face uncomfortable moments. Stop putting yourself on the pedestal for one day and think about others that are going through hard times. Show some compassion!!! I have been surrounded by nothing but heartless people, however, these are the same people that call you up when they are having a bad f-king day and expect you to put all your problems aside so that you can be there for them! And I use to be that person, but not these days. I don't care anymore about their pains and many times, sadly, I have almost wished them heartache so when they call me up and "need" someone to help them through, I won't be that person!
I also wanted to say that it isn't abnormal to feel uncomfortable around someone that has suffered a loss, but you have to figure out a way to get past that. It isn't uncomfortable for the one that has suffered the loss to talk to a friend about it. It is more comforting than anything that they are willing to put themselves out there for your emotions. No one wants to burden anyone with their struggles, we just want people that are willing to listen without judgment and that will dig deep for the strength not to shut the door and walk away because the conversation isn't the "ideal" topic. When these people choose to walk away, they have ultimately walked away for good. Someone that is grieving will more than likely never let those people in their lives again and if they do, they won't let them get close to them on an emotional level. I can't find it in me to allow the people that have walked away another chance. I don't feel as though they deserve it and sharing any emotion with them is out of the question. Sharing any aspect of my life is no longer an option.
The blog I found of interest is
GRIEF SUPPORT 101: How to Help a Bereaved Friend or Loved One
http://opentohopepregnancyloss.com/pregnancy-loss/pregnancy-loss/grief-support-101-how-to-help-a-bereaved-friend-or-loved-one/
Myth Conceptions of Parental Grief
http://opentohopepregnancyloss.com/pregnancy-loss/pregnancy-loss/myth-conceptions-of-parental-grief/
How to Support a Friend Who is Grieving a Miscarriage or Infant Death
http://opentohopepregnancyloss.com/pregnancy-loss/pregnancy-loss/how-to-support-a-friend-who-is-grieving-a-miscarriage-or-infant-death/
Grief is an Illness’ and Other Myths Surrounding Loss
http://opentohopepregnancyloss.com/pregnancy-loss/pregnancy-loss/%E2%80%98grief-is-an-illness%E2%80%99-and-other-myths-surrounding-loss/
Busy...and Looking...
I have been sooooo busy the past few days. Unfortunately, I haven't been able to update my blog. I am new to the entire blog process. I really don't know what to "write" about besides mainly my life or the life of my family.
That brings me here to hopefully get some suggestions on the blog process, where to find good blog "reads" and to get links to blogs of interest. I like any type of blog but I'm mainly looking for humor. I love anything related to family, dogs (Great Danes, Pugs), friends and friendships, inspiration, and really anything.
Send me some links! Would love to see what everyone else is reading. It could give me good ideas on my future blogs.
Like I said, this has been a long week and I've hardly gotten any sleep. I'll blog later when I have more time.
That brings me here to hopefully get some suggestions on the blog process, where to find good blog "reads" and to get links to blogs of interest. I like any type of blog but I'm mainly looking for humor. I love anything related to family, dogs (Great Danes, Pugs), friends and friendships, inspiration, and really anything.
Send me some links! Would love to see what everyone else is reading. It could give me good ideas on my future blogs.
Like I said, this has been a long week and I've hardly gotten any sleep. I'll blog later when I have more time.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Thinking....Thinking....and more Thinking.....
So this may be short or who knows, I may get carried away typing. The past couple of days have went REALLY well. Yesterday we got to learn "peri" care in labs. HA! Oh, that was the highlight of my day. It was uncomfortable and funny as hell all at the same time. The more we are in class, the more comfortable we become w/ each other and take more of the labs seriously. Not really yesterday though. We couldn't help but find the Velcro penis funny as crap! It's hard to keep a straight face sometimes but even our instructors crack up. It is an extremely laid back atmosphere and I look forward to this class every single day. I'm thinking about going back for the NA 2 and Med. Aide certificate as well. Not really sure right now but I just love the class! Some of the people that are in this class are coming back for these future classes. I can't believe this is almost the end of the 3rd week. Only 2 more weeks to go and NA 1 classes are over. We have all gotten pretty close and have such a great group of people. It is my social outlet since the A&P takes up most if not all of my time outside of the CNA course. I think it is going to be difficult for all of us on that last day. We've bonded and even become pretty good friends.
On another note, speaking of social outlets, I get to see a really good friend of mine tonight. Actually, I grew up w/ her so she is a sister to me. We have been planning on going out to eat for a while now. It will be her, her BF, her son, me, Gabe and Tommy. Then, I have been invited by another friend for a drink this weekend. I definitely want to go! I haven't been out of the house for a drink in so long. Another friend of mine is wanting to get out as well so she definitely said she's in if we go. I'm trying as hard as I can to set aside time for myself here and there. Everything can be come so overwhelming and time consuming. I try my best to be a good friend, daughter, sister, wife, mother, etc. and set aside time for my loved ones. It is imperative to maintain relationships if they are important to you. You have to w/ out any excuses. I have called, emailed, or kept in touch plenty, even being exhausted from school and everything else that takes up my time. There are weeks where I don't have a moment to myself but I still "make" time. So tonight, I am making that time and this weekend as well. I'm making new friendships and getting to know new people. It has been great! I think mainly because I don't expect anything. I don't expect them to keep in touch, set time aside, etc. etc. I just want to have a good time w/ out trying to build a friendship. I do think some of the people that I've talked to more lately are actually friends that I've always had. Some, I went to school or grew up with. Anyways, it has just been nice being able to hang out or socialize without expectations. I think previous friendships ruined that for me but in a way, maybe it has been more beneficial. I am getting back to my old self. Slowly but surely where nothing or anyone really matters. Not trying to be cold, just saying that what people chose to do, isn't bothering me as much. Who cares if we hang out once and never see each other again? Don't get me wrong, I am enjoying and really like the people in my life now, I just don't feel like I have trust issues or what have you because again, I have no expectations.
So onto what else has been going on. Today I purchased Prenatal vitamins. I said I had the itch and I really really do. I feel good about everything this time. Not sure why, but I do. That doesn't mean that we won't suffer another miscarriage because I felt pretty good about the last pregnancy. I think it is falling back to not expecting anything. I have the mind set that if I lose this one, I will pick my head up and try again! I'm a strong headed person. I think yes, it could take a toll on my emotions, but I think if I just keep trying that maybe things will happen for us! Who knows! I have a great RE and I know he will be there for me and Gabe every step of the way. I also purchased the baby aspirin. I have some here but they are chewable so I got the ones you swallow. Not sure why, guess paranoia since I don't feel as though the chewable really gets into your system. Yeah, I know, my thought process is a little crazy sometimes but who did it hurt to purchase the ones you swallow? In the next few days I will purchase the Ovulation strips. These are cheaper than the other ovulation tests. You get a lot of the strips and they test your ovulation daily. Not those 2 ovulation dip sticks that cost a fortune and you really have no idea when to use them. Oh, only thing is I haven't told Gabe this is my plan. LOL. He would be happy to know that I'm willing to try again even though he will worry himself sick over everything and me.
So one habit I HAVE to break is caffeine. I'm not sure how in the world I can do this. I LOVE coffee and the caffeine that comes along w/ it! Coffee is like a dessert! It's delicious and I could use it as a meal replacement and I do! So unhealthy but I'm addicted. I'm going to begin now slowly getting myself off of the coffee. Decaf just doesn't do it for me. It doesn't taste the same and like I said, I want the caffeine. Drinking decaf is a tease. And, I have ADHD so I will have to come off of the Vyvanse. Caffeine and Vyvanse give me energy every day. Without those, I'm not sure how I will be able to function. It's going to be hard but I have determination.
This is a happy but scary time for us. I am excited that this one time things will go well and we will have a perfectly healthy baby, but then again, the fear of having another MC! It sucks trying to battle the "what ifs."
Last night I went to Toys R Us to get a gift certificate for my friend's son. I ALWAYS go down the baby aisle. I have every since I can remember. I went down it last night thinking of when I was there purchasing things for my son over 7 years ago. It seems like just yesterday. Funny how all of those same feelings came rushing back as if I was pregnant w/ him at that very moment. I took Tommy down the aisles and told him about things we got for him when I was expecting or when he was born. It was kinda fun doing that. Talking about when I was pregnant with him and the excitement Gabe and I felt knowing we were about to have a newborn. Time goes by so fast. Hard to believe he will be 8 in March. Something was very calming when I was going down those aisles. I felt joy that I was ready to give it another go. There were moments that would tug at my heart such as picking the things up and smelling baby powder or seeing all the new cute things out now for babies wanting to purchase those things for my next, if that should happen. But more than anything, I had a smile on my face and felt comfortable w/ my decision to try again regardless of the outcome. Of course I want to be optimistic but the reality is, this could be another loss for us. I don't believe you are ever prepared for a loss but this time I want to feel emotionally ready and also that if we suffer another loss that I won't give up. I won't let that hold me back from trying again. I've also learned valuable lessens through our MC's. One main lessen I've learned is not to count on anyone to be there for you through your loss. I would rather keep the pregnancy and a loss private going forward unless I vent about it on here. I've learned through talking about my losses to the ones closest to me only hurts me in the end. If and when we have a healthy pregnancy, I don't feel it necessary to share my happiness with these people either. If they find it difficult to be supportive through a MC, I definitely don't need their support if I have a healthy pregnancy.
I'll keep updates on things and how things progress. Today is a happy day for me, however, I'm not naive in believing that all will go well the next time we conceive. This process may be long, heartbreaking, and exhausting but if I don't continue to try, then I will never know if we were able to have another child.
Nursing has been my # 1 priority for the last year. I will continue w/ college and hopefully continue if we ever get pregnant. That is something that has weighed heavily on my mind. Nursing is so important to me. This is a dream that I have been wanting to pursue for many many years. Medical to me is like icing is to cake. I'm passionate about one day becoming a nurse no matter how long the journey is until I finally get there.
Monday, September 28, 2009
A pretty good day
Well, my day began bright and early! I not only had a CNA test but also an A&P quiz. I made a 96% on the CNA quiz, and currently my average in the class is at a 96% which includes all tests along w/ homework. Oh but the A&P! I made a 76% on that f-d up quiz. I hate that woman's quizzes. She is just crazy! Since paying for the class, this professor has yet to "teach" us anything. Every single time I think about A&P, I am instantly in a bad mood and get a bad headache. The class is an online course. I know right? I'm insane for EVER taking it online but this is my 4th online class so I am aware of the process. I realize it is online, but we haven't even gotten the smallest additive such as lecture notes. We haven't gotten a thing! NOTHING, ZIP, NADDA! I mean NOTHING! What in the world did my tuition go towards, a few online tests/quizzes and a shitty professor? So I've learned my lesson, no more online A&P for me. Next semester, if I even pass this class, I will take BIO 169 on campus. I guess I really shouldn't complain all that much about the quiz. Currently, that is the only C I have made in that class or since I have began college in January. I have actually done fairly well considering the circumstances in her class. I made a 100 on the last quiz and A's and B's on everything else. Mainly A's so I'm hoping the quiz grade doesn't weigh much. Would be nice to at least pass w/ a B even though all the frickin' time I've put into studying and effort should receive an A!
So enough of my whining. Now that I have vented those frustrations! LOL. Like I said, today was a pretty good day. Woke up, went to CNA, had lecture, came home, played on the computer a bit, had some free time while my son was w/ his maw maw, did some studying, and took the A&P quiz.
I have to say, I feel PMDD setting in. This is such a wonderful time of the month for me....NOT! Last Friday worked on my nerves, probably a symptom of the PMDD. I get sad, angry, irritated, tired, and headaches! When first arriving at the facility and performing showers, my resident was freezing. She was shaking! It was HORRIBLE! The water temp. couldn't get regulated and there was nothing I could do. I covered her up, even tried to put my arms around her to keep her warm. These are older people so to get cold easily is nothing abnormal. I had another student in there with me, thank goodness! She helped by talking to the resident and talking about the resident's family. We tried as fast as we could to give her a shower and get her dressed. We aren't suppose to say they are "cute" or "adorable" because it makes them feel like children, however, she is adorable. During the shower time, I was a nervous wreck. I felt so bad for this lady. See, a typical symptom of how sensitive I am these days. I guess the expression on my face said it all when it was all over. Another student asked if I needed a break or if I needed to sit down and take some breaths for a few minutes. I said "no" and continued with my day. The truth was, it made my day not go as well. It had nothing to do w/ the resident necessarily, but more of the PMDD symptoms.
I did enjoy my time there overall. I was very quiet in the afternoon and a student asked me if something was bothering me. She said I was being very quiet, something I'm usually not. :-) I said that it just frazzled me in the am and that my monthly visitor is coming to see me. About 2 weeks of those symptoms every month. I get anxious, nervous, depressed, headaches, exhausted, quiet, and I become an introvert. Most that know me would say that would never happen, lol. Those symptoms wash over me with a vengeance as if I've deserved this cruel punishment every single month. Anger and depression set in the most. I get angry at everyone, it doesn't matter what they have or haven't done, I will FIND a reason to get upset with them. I will dig up the past, unbury the hatchet, argue about anything and everything. Ok, sometimes I do actually have good reasons, but sometimes, I'm purely irrational. I'm WAY worse than any pregnant woman w/ raging hormones. I am 10 x's worse. I want to pick arguments w/ strangers if they rub me the wrong way, just for the sake of proving a point. I'm vicious! It's awful. But, there is a flip side, I then get upset or cry about it later. Now if that isn't messed up, I don't know what is. Ha! Not always, but if I have realized that my actions were unjustified, I then drown in self pity saying I'm sorry to everyone that I've gotten upset with and didn't really have a good reason. At the time, I do believe they are good reasons, until later when I realize they weren't so much.
So speaking of the CNA class Friday, as I was leaving, I called my husband to vent about my day. I was on my way to the CPR class which was going to be another 4 hours which turned in to over 4 1/2 hours. So anyways, I cracked. I finally just cried! The tears were huge and gushing out of my eyes as if I had no control over them. I had a pity party for sure! I told him that I felt bad for the resident and that I felt uncomfortable all day. I excluded myself from the group and then thought it was "them" that didn't want to be around me. I asked Gabe what is wrong w/ me? Why doesn't anyone like me, am I that bad to be around? Am I that horrible of a person? Maybe I am! I just cried and cried until I had confused my husband so much that he didn't know what to say. He didn't know where all of this was coming from. All of this over the resident being cold? Of course, that incident had set the tone for the rest of the day.
I got to the CPR class early and sat in my car wondering if this warm salty water would ever stop dripping from my eyes! Again, an emotion taking over when I didn't give it permission to do so! So then I'm upset w/ myself, I can't stop feeling sorry for myself. I guess here and there it is ok to feel sorry for yourself, but not me, no I can't do that because I refuse to watch other people wallow in self pity. I can't stand it, and here I was doing the exact same thing that is repulsing to me! So needless to say, I went on and on about how I'm so awful and truthfully, I do feel this way even when I don't have PMDD symptoms but that is a whole different story for another day. I am pretty outgoing, but can also hide in my shell if I need to retreat for whatever the reasons may be. Gabe reassured me that I'm a great mother, sister, daughter, friend, student, and wife! He tries his best to build up my self confidence. Poor Gabe! He takes on these emotions with such strength. He always knows how to calm my spirit and the best thing about it all, he LISTENS! He doesn't always have to compliment me in times of despair, he just has to be there for me. Be supportive, listen even when he has had a bad day, give me the shoulder to cry on, or the ear to listen to me vent or cry irrationally. Then, at the end of that just remind me to......breathe!
His love and understanding is unconditional. It isn't, "you do this for me, I'll do this for you". It is, "I'll be here for you no matter what" w/ no expectations. He knows I am there for him in the same way but it is nice to have that ONE person in your life that isn't around you for all the wrong reasons. That loves you even though you are a train wreck at times and accepts your apologies when you say that you are sorry for lashing out when you had no right. He doesn't say, "I can't believe you said that to me", he simply says, "It's ok honey, I know you were having a bad day and I'm here if you still need to vent or talk", and lets me curl up on his chest while he gives me that comfort I need in the strength of his embrace.
I know I drifted off the main subject, PMDD, but the blog all intermingles together. So this week will be rough emotionally. It SUCKS! I can't stand feeling the wrath pms symptoms bring on. I get blue and feel as though my whole world has turned upside down. Luckily, this only lasts for a short period and I am back to my bubbly, fun self!
This week has started off good so far. I'm keeping fingers crossed that my resident won't be the first shower on Friday! :-)
Infertility Etiquette
I ran across this post today on another blog. I found it a great read for those that have a difficult time dealing w/ loved ones facing fertility problems. This article pretty much sums it up! I found the "Never complain about your pregnancy" the most interesting. I can relate to exactly what the author states. The very last sentence of that paragraph, "The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her", stuck out the most. I believe we endure great pain that our friends and family are unaware of when it comes to celebrating the birth of a child. We are willing to celebrate with them even though we may suffer on the inside. It is extremely hard, but that effort is often overlooked.
I also liked the paragraph about not playing Dr. I have had people ask why I'm not on antidepressants. The answer is simple, my RE doesn't want me on them unless I cannot function w/ out taking them. That is the reason even though these people that are not professionals seem to know what is best for me. I'm 100% aware of my emotions and my sadness which if everyone must know, is discussed between me and my "professional" RE. I also handle these emotions pretty well even though I do state how sad I can get from time to time. Other than that, no one would ever suspect I can slip into a funk or a bad depression occasionally. Most of the time, the signs are invisible due to the person that I "feel" like I need portray around everyone.
Infertility Etiquette
By Vita Alligood
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them.
IVF is Expensive with Low Odds
One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the "sure thing" rather then risking their money on much lower odds.
IVF is Physically Taxing
Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to superovulate. The drugs used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become extremely emotional.
IVF Raises Ethical Issues
Ironically, couples who undergo IVF to become parents may have to selectively abort one or more fetuses if multiple eggs are fertilized. Many couples cannot bring themselves to abort a baby when they have worked so hard to become parents. If the couple chooses not to selectively abort, they run the risk of multiple births.
Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF
On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.
If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don't muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don't yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can't offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.
A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.
Don't Play Doctor
Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them:
You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to "play doctor" with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.
Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law. Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.
Original text from RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association Website: http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_ie
I also liked the paragraph about not playing Dr. I have had people ask why I'm not on antidepressants. The answer is simple, my RE doesn't want me on them unless I cannot function w/ out taking them. That is the reason even though these people that are not professionals seem to know what is best for me. I'm 100% aware of my emotions and my sadness which if everyone must know, is discussed between me and my "professional" RE. I also handle these emotions pretty well even though I do state how sad I can get from time to time. Other than that, no one would ever suspect I can slip into a funk or a bad depression occasionally. Most of the time, the signs are invisible due to the person that I "feel" like I need portray around everyone.
Most do not know how to handle the emotions women face when they are enduring fertility issues. I would say, read this article. We are humans, we are not abnormal, and should be treated as so. We need to vent, express our anger and sadness to someone that is willing to listen. We don't ask for solutions or even advice. We just need people to care and SHOW they care. We aren't self absorbed, matter of fact, we tend to be more giving of ourselves because we become more sensitive to others. It may seem at times that we can't function because of our emotions and the truth is, there are times where we can't. We need the supportive of loved ones around us to help us get through our pain. If we talk about it day in and day out, don't get tired of it, just be supportive. I know it can get old to some that may not want to hear about it any longer, but to us, it is the present. It is our current life and where our life is still taking us. For many, we haven't given up so therefore, why would we stop talking about it? The reality is that the pain is REAL, it hurts, we feel it a lot and the fear, well, that's REAL also. We may still have these feelings years later if we are still trying to conceive. So for us, the conversation of fertility never gets old!
The mere fact that we can function at all on those extremely hurtful days is a HUGE accomplishment. Our lives do not radiate around our misfortunes, but these happen to be a part of who we are. They are a part of the person we are and we should be able to talk about our issues without being made uncomfortable. I always thought that it was others that were uncomfortable but if I can talk about the MCs comfortably and leave the conversation feeling sick to my stomach that I even brought it up, obviously I don't have the correct type of support system. And on the end of that, I want to say that we DO NOT only need others suffering fertility issues to help comfort us or be there for us. We need all of our loved ones!
Infertility Etiquette
By Vita Alligood
Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than five million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. Most infertility treatments involve using hormones, which alter the user's moods. (That statement is like calling a lion a cat-my husband would tell you that the side effect is insanity!) The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money. Infertility treatments are expensive, and most insurance companies do not cover the costs. So, in addition to the pain of not conceiving a baby each month, the couple pays out anywhere from $300 to five figures, depending upon the treatment used.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
- They will eventually conceive a baby.
- They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
- They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
There are many reasons why a couple would choose not to pursue this option. Here are a few of them.
IVF is Expensive with Low Odds
One cycle of IVF is very expensive. With all of the hype in the news, many people assume that IVF is a sure thing when, in fact, the odds of success for each cycle are low. Most couples cannot afford to try for one month, much less for multiple times. Considering that it also costs a significant amount of money to adopt a baby, many couples opt for the "sure thing" rather then risking their money on much lower odds.
IVF is Physically Taxing
Undergoing IVF treatments is very rigorous. The woman must inject shots into her thigh daily to cause her ovaries to superovulate. The drugs used are very taxing on the woman, and they can cause her to be become extremely emotional.
IVF Raises Ethical Issues
Ironically, couples who undergo IVF to become parents may have to selectively abort one or more fetuses if multiple eggs are fertilized. Many couples cannot bring themselves to abort a baby when they have worked so hard to become parents. If the couple chooses not to selectively abort, they run the risk of multiple births.
Don't Offer Unsolicited Opinions If They Are Trying IVF
On the flip side of the coin, don't offer unsolicited advice to your friends who do choose to try IVF. For many couples, IVF is the only way they will ever give birth to a baby. This is a huge decision for them to make, for all of the reasons I outlined above.
If the couple has resolved any ethical issues, don't muddy the waters. IVF is a gray area in many ethical circles, and many of our moral leaders don't yet know how to answer the ethical questions that have arisen from this new technology. If the couple has resolved these issues already, you only make it harder by raising the ethical questions again. Respect their decision, and offer your support. If you can't offer your support due to ethical differences of opinion, then say nothing.
A couple who chooses the IVF route has a hard, expensive road ahead, and they need your support more than ever. The hormones are no cakewalk, and the financial cost is enormous. Your friend would not be going this route if there were an easier way, and the fact that she is willing to endure so much is further proof of how much she truly wants to parent a child. The hormones will make her more emotional, so offer her your support and keep your questions to yourself.
Don't Play Doctor
Once your infertile friends are under a doctor's care, the doctor will run them through numerous tests to determine why they aren't able to conceive. There a numerous reasons that a couple may not be able to conceive. Here are a few of them:
- Blocked fallopian tubes
- Cysts
- Endometriosis
- Low hormone levels
- Low "normal form" sperm count
- Low progesterone level
- Low sperm count
- Low sperm motility
- Thin uterine walls
You may feel like you are being helpful by reading up on infertility, and there is nothing wrong with learning more about the subject. The problem comes when you try to "play doctor" with your friends. They already have a doctor with years of experience in diagnosing and treating the problem. They need to work with and trust their doctor to treat the problem. You only complicate the issue when you throw out other ideas that you have read about. The doctor knows more about the causes and solutions; let your friends work with their doctor to solve the problem.
Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law. Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.
Original text from RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association Website: http://www.resolve.org/site/PageServer?pagename=lrn_ffaf_ie
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)