Today was my last day of CNA class. I made an average of 96%, an A! I have one more day of clinical tomorrow and then the State exam in November to get my license. It has been a great week. Earlier this week I went out w/ a few of the girls from class to a place called Lebowski's. It was something I've needed for a while now, just some social time w/ the girls! The past couple of days have been finals. The first day was skills and today was the written. It was a very laid back, fun atmosphere. Our entire class got along so well. As happy as we all were that class is finally over, all of us would agree that it is bittersweet. We got to know each other very quickly and on a stronger level than most relationships. I mean, we had to do "peri" care for goodness sakes. Plus, everything we did, we worked as a team. We interacted with each other from day one. When we do clinical, we work as a team. It has been the best "school" experience so far. We had our jokster, Dorothy, our sweet little Liz, laid back Keona, and so many more that made the class fun. I would say that I bonded the most with Emily throughout the past 5 weeks since I talked to her a lot and did most of the skills working w/ her, however, I bonded w/ everyone. There is something special everyone brought to that class that won't be forgotten. We were all having a hard time today knowing that today was the last day of seeing the class as a whole. We get to see each other tomorrow, but some do clinical on Saturday. Then again in November, but some won't have the same test date. So, today was the last official day "together."
Our instructors were great and are going to be missed! You just get to know one another on more than a friendship level, it was more like another family. You have to basically "act" when doing skills. It is very funny so you have to immediately drop your pride and any embarrassments that you have. Plus, you aren't suppose to wear hardly any make up to class so you get to pretty much see how everyone wakes up in the mornings. You are all reaching for the same goal so immediately, you all have something in common. They called me the cross over. Since our class was so large, we were split into teams. We had 2 teams consisting of 10 people each. I actually got to know the other team more than anyone on my team did. Of course, I had a stronger relationship w/ my immediate team, but loved the entire class! We are all getting up in November! It will be good to see everyone again! Thank goodness for FB so we can keep in touch.
Another A that I made this week was on my A&P quiz Monday night. Anatomy and Physiology is a force to be reckon with. I don't enjoy that class at all, but I am learning more than I expected. I know a lot of the bones and muscles now. It's amazing how much you pick up with so much material being covered. I will be satisfied if I pass this class at this point. I've done fairly well but I'm sure my class average is around a low B. The class is so challenging and difficult that I will be ok if I pass with a C. Of course, that isn't what I'm striving for, but it is passing and I surely don't want to repeat this class over.
On another note, my husband and I are still planning on a little one. Hopefully soon but I'm at the point now where I know God will provide me w/ whatever is best. I know this because of the emotional struggles that I've had over the past several years and the trials I've experienced in the past year w/ relationships, family, friends, school, etc. My life has turned in a direction that I am really enjoying. I'm so happy for the people that God has brought into my life over the past several months. Yes, ultimately letting friends go is hard, but in the end, obviously it is best.
I have been provided the chance to get to know "ME." I've had so much "alone" time that I didn't really have a choice. I had to either become my best friend, or my own worst enemy. I chose the first! I understand myself more now and continue to work on the person that I hope to be one day. I don't believe things are "wrong" with me per say, however, there is always room for improvement. I now know what I need in other people. I spent so much time worried about who did and didn't like me that I never took the time to realize what I needed out of a relationship. I will continue to be the empathetic, sensitive person that I am. I won't change that for anyone, but I now know who truly appreciates that in someone. It isn't anyone's fault if they don't like the fact that I'm caring, I don't like the ones that aren't. I don't mesh well with people that are only concerned about themselves and never take the time to focus on someone worse off than them. Maybe it was the alone time that I had, or maybe it was the CNA class and doing things for the residents. Either way, I've learned so many lessens in the past few months.
I want to continue to care about people, that is what I do! Nursing is definitely the career I should be in. You get to help people every single day. There are actually people that appreciate that! I know helping others is something I enjoy doing. I know now that I was meant for this career path and I'm more determined now than ever. I refuse to be embarrassed over my emotions any longer, and refuse to change my colors for anyone. I'm so happy that I can finally be free of worrying about what others think of my "sensitive" side. I know that I'm sensitive but God has blessed me w/ that for a reason. I'm not talking about being a cry baby cuz since I've been off of that Thyroid medicine, that is no longer the case. I am still very sensitive to others regardless of the medicine. I still care and want the best for the people in my life. I would still do anything I could if it made their day a little brighter because at the end of the day, knowing that I could make their day just a tad happier, is what makes me happy. I'm not saying I'm a slave to others needs, but I have friends and family that need an ear here and there. Amazingly, that's all they need and that brightens their day.
So after realizing what I truly "need" in any relationship, I finally know how to let some things go and move on. I am a work in progress myself. I can't fault people for how they are, it is just...well...how they are. I am working on becoming the best person that I can be so when I look back at my life, I'm satisfied. Satisfied that I didn't take people or moments for grant it. We all do that, but I'm working on not doing it as much. Every single day I focus on what I can do to make myself a better person. Realizing that embracing change has been one of my biggest struggles. I have learned that not embracing it, makes it even harder to handle. I'm not a big person on change, never have been. I've realized that change is going to happen, rather I want it to or not. I've been working on "changing" my opinion of how the change will be. I believe having a more positive outlook really makes or breaks you. I have never been the most optimistic person, but definitely not the most pessimistic. At one time, I would focus on just my problems, not realizing that there is so many that have it so much worse than me. Now when trials come my way, I am learning to deal with them better. I think God of all the blessings that I DO have and don't worry about the ones I don't. Putting faith in him has also been my saving grace. I have a bad tendency to lean on God ONLY when the going goes rough. Slowly, I've realized that I need him at all times during my life.
I'm letting go of grudges and being nice to the ones that have done me wrong. When I look at the past, those people have at one time made me laugh, smile, and have a good time. I was happy to have these people in my life for the duration that they were here. It doesn't change the facts of how these relationships ended, but it does make me realize that this was a chapter in my life that was meant to only last for a while and then the ending would come. It was that word that I'm slowly learning about..."change", it's inevitable. I don't want to say it is the complete ending for these chapters because you never know what the future holds. When people grow, they change. Their opinions and personality change and circumstances may help them be a better person in the future.
For now, I'm focused on school and the best thing that has ever happened to me and that would be my son. My main goal is to do the best I can in school, graduate w/ a degree, move, and provide all the physical and mental necessities my son will ever need. My goal isn't to worry about things I can't change, things that are going to either happen or not rather we want it to or not, people that only bring me down, to hold grudges or to stay mad at the ones that do wrong. It just isn't worth it and is truly a waste of time. I can't believe that the most important thing to focus on has been right in front of my face for over 7 years, my child! Nothing else really matters. I believe if I can be a good person, good wife, friend, sister, daughter, mom, etc. then I've exceeded in accomplishments.
I'll continue to strive and better myself. I'm glad that God gave me that alone, empty time to really evaluate what and who really matters. I have been focused on all the wrong things and finally didn't have a choice but to get to know myself and my needs. Funny thing is, I don't really "need" that much. I've got all that I need and I keep getting blessed with more and more. I've had some wonderful friends enter my life over the past few months. I have no idea where most came from, but they are here and have proven to be great people. I spend time w/ them when I can, which isn't that often since I'm so busy, but ALL have been supportive and understanding. The best thing about these friendships is that there is an understanding of our time but we still keep in touch no matter how busy we are. Another thing, and I hate to bring it up, but it is my blog..is the miscarriages. Not a single one of them treats me any differently when that is brought up. They respect me and what I've been through, but don't treat me as though I'm breakable. I in turn, respect that about them. Sure, talking about the miscarriages is uncomfortable for most but for some reason, the friends I have now don't find it uncomfortable at all. We don't talk about it that often since that isn't what I usually want to talk about, but it comes up here and there when I talk about me and my husband trying again. They listen and talk me through things. I don't cry, get depressed, or upset, we just have a normal conversation.
My life is taking a wonderful turn and I'm so excited for this journey. It has already began and so far it is going great. I hope that I can continue to see the positives in anything regardless of what it is and keep moving on past the things that really don't matter. Those are just road bumps in the way that shouldn't deter my main focus!
I know this was scattered but I took a break in the middle of it and kinda lost my train of thought.
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