Well, it has definitely been a VERY busy holiday season. I haven't had the chance to even sit down and journal which makes me kinda sad since I've been trying to keep up w/ about every single week throughout my pregnancy.
Today is NYE! I can't believe how fast 2010 came and went. It's been a crazy ride but everything has been worth it. I remember saying that 2010 was going to be the year for major changes and it has been. We found out we were expecting in July and now have gotten to the 25 week mark successfully.
As for looking back over the last month and a half, we had our annual Christmas party which was a great turn out. I always enjoy seeing everyone that we haven't seen in so long. I also took my MAT080 final on Dec. 6th and PASSED!!! I've registered for the MAT161 which will begin in January. We took our Disney trip, stayed at the Hard Rock Hotel, went to MK (Mickey's Very Merry Christmas), went to ICE at Gaylord Palms, Universal Studios, Discovery Cove, and Sea World. We all got to swim w/ Dixie at DC and did the backstage dolphin adventure at Sea World where we met Neo and Nate. Oh, yes, I'm pregnant and swam w/ a dolphin. She was unbelievably sweet and the trainer said she was doing more than usual because of my pregnancy. The dolphins seem to want to impress the pregnant one...LOL..It's amazing how their powerful sonar works because she absolutely knew I was pregnant per the trainer so basically Dixie did an ultrasound of my belly and could see and hear baby Matthew. It was a wonderful trip but very exhausting for me. We got back on Dec. 22nd and then I had to cook and finish up my Christmas shopping before Christmas Eve. Oh goodness, it has been one crazy busy holiday season. We haven't even had the chance to plan for the baby as of yet but that's my official NYE resolution..haha! We HAVE got to go through all of Tommy's things and see what all we want to get rid of or keep for Matthew. That will all begin as soon as tonight is over.
Speaking of Christmas, we had a white Christmas this year. It began snowing on the 25th and snowed all night long into the next day. It was so beautiful. Also, Gabe made my Christmas so special. He got me a heartbeat monitor for Matthew, a kick tracker, a Louis Vuitton purse, some bath and body products, and some winter things such as a Northface jacket. Tommy was also very spoiled by Santa. He got pretty much all of the things he asked for. One thing that I was so thankful me and Gabe decided to give him from us was his Khombu boots which arrived right before the snow. Overall, we had a great Christmas this year. We are all looking forward to next Christmas with a family of 4. ♥
As for tonight, we are having a few friends over to ring in the New Year! We will probably play Apples to Apples and eat some snacks. Nothing really big as I can't drink and neither can another girl that's coming which just found out she's pregnant but it doesn't matter, it will still be a lot of fun. I really didn't have any plans on doing anything except for watching the ball drop until my friend, Shayla, asked if I wanted to do something such as just hang out and play some board games. That suits me perfect since being on the roads tonight isn't an option. :)
As for looking back over the past year, the major thing that has happened was that we are now planning for another precious little boy. We never thought we would see this day coming so it's very exciting!!! I had a Dr.'s visit a couple of weeks ago and I'm measuring a week further than what I am. His HB was at 145 bpm which the Dr. said was perfect. I'm currently trying to get his wake and sleep cycles down so it will be easier for me once he arrives. I couldn't take naps when Tommy was a baby, just couldn't seem to fall asleep so I'm hoping that I'll be able to change that and take naps when Matthew sleeps. I just think it will make things much easier since I don't want to be a tired mom all the time for Tommy or Matthew. Tommy is still very excited but has definitely admitted to being a little jealous. That's to be expected so I don't want to put too much focus on worrying about that. I know that I'll have to divide my time and that's what I plan on doing since Tommy has been the only child for almost 9 years. I know this will be difficult for him but I think he'll love his baby brother to death. We are planning another 3D/4D ultrasound pretty soon. I doubt we'll take Tommy to that one but mainly because I just don't think he cares if he goes or not but we'll definitely ask him. I go for another Dr.'s visit soon to do the sugar test. I want to make sure I cover pretty much all steps throughout this pregnancy and do all I can to keep Matthew healthy. :)
Today, Tommy and I went for our flu shots. I really went back and forth about getting one since the seasonal and H1N1 are now combined into one shot. I know the Dr.'s tell you to get one especially if you are pregnant but that doesn't mean I didn't worry about the effects on Matthew, Tommy, or myself. We got the "Fluzone" which I read is perfectly ok for me since I'm pregnant. I saw where the surrounding states are wide spread with the flu and I've seen plenty of posts on FB about people having the flu in our state. I figured it was best for us to get them since the pros seem to outweigh the cons.
For now there doesn't seem to be much more to write about. I'm hoping now that the holidays are over that I can journal a little bit more frequently. :)
~The foundation of who I am today~
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Friday, December 31, 2010
Thursday, November 18, 2010
~New Beginnings~
Tuesday we had out ultrasound. I have to admit, I was a nervous wreck the few days before. I could feel the baby move here and there but it wasn't ever constant. We kept Tommy out of school for this very special time but I was afraid we were going to get really bad news, instead, we got WONDERFUL news.
As soon as Salina was doing the ultrasound, my first question was did the baby look ok and she said of course. After that I felt so much better. She spent about an hour with us taking pictures, recording the ultrasound, and taking a 3D ultrasound. It's still pretty early to take a 3D but there was no guarantee that we would need another ultrasound down the road so she was afraid this may have been our only chance to get that done.
The baby was very active, all over the place. It was so funny because the baby would take his little leg back really slowly and then kick real fast. I don't believe he enjoyed the ultrasound. LOL. Oh, did you catch that? Yes, it is going to be another precious BOY! I knew all along it was going to be. Gabe and Tommy thought it was going to be a girl but I just knew it wasn't. Really, we weren't 100% sure til the ultrasound. Gabe looked a little disappointed at first but he said it was because he didn't like being wrong. Tommy made a sour face also but proceeded to say how happy he was that he was going to have a brother. He has said this many many times so I know he just didn't like being wrong, he would actually prefer a brother and I kinda would too. None of us were upset that we were having a boy, to be honest, I was more relieved because I have such a tight bond w/ Tommy and I know I'll have one w/ this little monkey. I know mom's of girls can't really relate to those that have boys. I believe BOTH are very special in their own way but it is very true about what they say about a boy being a mommy's boy. They cling to their mothers and from what I've seen, they would rather be w/ their mom than their dad even though they have their days where the dad is the most important.
When Salina was trying to find out the gender, he was really fighting her on that. I don't believe he wanted anyone to see his "stuff". It is private after all. :) He was so wiggly but most movements I couldn't feel. Made me sad in a way but just knowing that the ultrasound went well and he looks GREAT made me more relaxed about everything. He would also cover up his face w/ his tiny little hand. Maybe he is camera shy like Tommy. I could tell by looking at his little feet and legs that he's got his daddy's feet. There's no mistaken that! He didn't seem to enjoy the ultrasound but we sure did. We LOVED seeing him swimming all over the place and seeing what he does when I can't feel him in there moving all around. His head is behind my belly button and his feet were facing down at the time. Salina said that he moves all around so no telling his position most of the time. I do feel some kicks lower in my abdomen on occasion. Looking at the 3D ultrasound, he looks like Tommy. Looks as though he's going to have Tommy's nose but the rest looked like Gabe. When Tommy was born, he looked like Gabe's mini me. I have a feeling this little guy is going to look just like his daddy as well when he's born.
We have decided to name him Matthew Lee. Matthew because it means "Gift from God" and Lee after my dad. If we had a girl, her name would have been Annaleigh Dawn and if we ever have a girl, that will be her name. We may end up changing our minds on the name Matthew but I'm pretty sure we'll stick w/ that. I love that name! I think it meshes well w/ Thomas. Neither are too fancy or odd. I can't help but to keep talking about the ultrasound...he was just so CUTE! It made me look forward to the day that I finally get to wrap him in my arms and give him tons of kisses. I've waited years for this moment and I get more excited each day.
I officially have a baby bump, there's no denying I'm pregnant, but I've lost a couple of pounds. The Dr. isn't worried at all, just suggested I add some protein in my diet since basically all I want to eat is ice cream, fruits, or veggies. Speaking of baby bumps, I got this Christmas shirt from Sears that says, "I'm not short, I'm elf size" and I put it on yesterday. It isn't a pregnancy shirt so needless to say, it fit my baby bump snugly. Tommy got the giggles and even spit out his water laughing. Then proceeded to lay on the floor laughing. Me and him both were laughing because it was kinda funny. I didn't care because I'm just so happy to be expecting that I'll show off my baby belly whenever I get the chance. :)
Anyways, more to come later. Next Dr.'s appointment is in 4 weeks. All looks great and that's the most important. :)
As soon as Salina was doing the ultrasound, my first question was did the baby look ok and she said of course. After that I felt so much better. She spent about an hour with us taking pictures, recording the ultrasound, and taking a 3D ultrasound. It's still pretty early to take a 3D but there was no guarantee that we would need another ultrasound down the road so she was afraid this may have been our only chance to get that done.
The baby was very active, all over the place. It was so funny because the baby would take his little leg back really slowly and then kick real fast. I don't believe he enjoyed the ultrasound. LOL. Oh, did you catch that? Yes, it is going to be another precious BOY! I knew all along it was going to be. Gabe and Tommy thought it was going to be a girl but I just knew it wasn't. Really, we weren't 100% sure til the ultrasound. Gabe looked a little disappointed at first but he said it was because he didn't like being wrong. Tommy made a sour face also but proceeded to say how happy he was that he was going to have a brother. He has said this many many times so I know he just didn't like being wrong, he would actually prefer a brother and I kinda would too. None of us were upset that we were having a boy, to be honest, I was more relieved because I have such a tight bond w/ Tommy and I know I'll have one w/ this little monkey. I know mom's of girls can't really relate to those that have boys. I believe BOTH are very special in their own way but it is very true about what they say about a boy being a mommy's boy. They cling to their mothers and from what I've seen, they would rather be w/ their mom than their dad even though they have their days where the dad is the most important.
When Salina was trying to find out the gender, he was really fighting her on that. I don't believe he wanted anyone to see his "stuff". It is private after all. :) He was so wiggly but most movements I couldn't feel. Made me sad in a way but just knowing that the ultrasound went well and he looks GREAT made me more relaxed about everything. He would also cover up his face w/ his tiny little hand. Maybe he is camera shy like Tommy. I could tell by looking at his little feet and legs that he's got his daddy's feet. There's no mistaken that! He didn't seem to enjoy the ultrasound but we sure did. We LOVED seeing him swimming all over the place and seeing what he does when I can't feel him in there moving all around. His head is behind my belly button and his feet were facing down at the time. Salina said that he moves all around so no telling his position most of the time. I do feel some kicks lower in my abdomen on occasion. Looking at the 3D ultrasound, he looks like Tommy. Looks as though he's going to have Tommy's nose but the rest looked like Gabe. When Tommy was born, he looked like Gabe's mini me. I have a feeling this little guy is going to look just like his daddy as well when he's born.
We have decided to name him Matthew Lee. Matthew because it means "Gift from God" and Lee after my dad. If we had a girl, her name would have been Annaleigh Dawn and if we ever have a girl, that will be her name. We may end up changing our minds on the name Matthew but I'm pretty sure we'll stick w/ that. I love that name! I think it meshes well w/ Thomas. Neither are too fancy or odd. I can't help but to keep talking about the ultrasound...he was just so CUTE! It made me look forward to the day that I finally get to wrap him in my arms and give him tons of kisses. I've waited years for this moment and I get more excited each day.
I officially have a baby bump, there's no denying I'm pregnant, but I've lost a couple of pounds. The Dr. isn't worried at all, just suggested I add some protein in my diet since basically all I want to eat is ice cream, fruits, or veggies. Speaking of baby bumps, I got this Christmas shirt from Sears that says, "I'm not short, I'm elf size" and I put it on yesterday. It isn't a pregnancy shirt so needless to say, it fit my baby bump snugly. Tommy got the giggles and even spit out his water laughing. Then proceeded to lay on the floor laughing. Me and him both were laughing because it was kinda funny. I didn't care because I'm just so happy to be expecting that I'll show off my baby belly whenever I get the chance. :)
Anyways, more to come later. Next Dr.'s appointment is in 4 weeks. All looks great and that's the most important. :)
Sunday, November 14, 2010
~All that WIGGLES~
So I began feeling the baby moving around a couple of weeks ago but it wasn't constant. I'm still feeling movements but they still aren't constant. Most of the time I can't feel them on the outside meaning if I put my hand on my belly and the baby moves, I can't feel the movement w/ my hand but can on the inside of my belly. I've felt very few movements w/ my hand on my belly but occasionally the baby either makes a sudden movement or kicks pretty strongly and I can feel it. That's the moments that I enjoy the most. I get nervous when I don't feel anything so usually I drink a coke a day so that I can feel the baby. I don't like drinking the caffeine but I don't like being so nervous either. Gabe tells me not to worry about it that the baby's fine but others such as my sister understand my anxiety. It's hard feeling comfortable that everything is ok but I'm really trying. Now that I do feel the baby moving more, I'm more excited and I'm definitely bonding.
I feel my upper belly get really tight sometimes. I don't know if it's because I'm doing to much, it's just how the baby is adjusting, or maybe the baby is stretching. Whatever the reason, it feels so weird. LOL....We go this week to find out the gender. All 3 of us are sooooo excited. Tommy and Gabe say it's a girl, I say it's a boy. Most everyone I know believes it will be a girl but something tells me they aren't right. :)
We spent all day cleaning out Tommy's play room and his bedroom in preparation for the new addition. I'm giving all of Tommy's toys that he no longer plays with to my friend Shayla so she can have a good Christmas for her boys. I figured they have plenty of life still in them since most of his toys still look brand new because he has WAY too much. There's still a lot more I need to go through but I got tired and decided to put it off til tomorrow. I feel as though I'm getting sleepy early again like I did in the 1st trimester. It could be the time change that's messing me up. I know I stayed up really late last week doing math HW and was exhausted after that for the next couple of days. This weekend, I've been really tired. I don't enjoy being this lazy since I'm use to being on the go all the time. It's just hard to get things done such as cleaning the house and decorating for Christmas.
Speaking of decorating, we are having our annual Christmas party this year. I just couldn't imagine a year without a get together. Plus, Tommy is so excited. I was telling him today that we were having the Christmas party and he was saying how much he loves it. I like to have it to see all of my friends that I haven't seen in a while but to also bring in the holiday mood to Tommy and his friends. I believe Christmas is so magical for children and they love it so much.
Other than this, not too much going on. I'll post more after the ultrasound this week. So excited and praying all is well. ♥
I feel my upper belly get really tight sometimes. I don't know if it's because I'm doing to much, it's just how the baby is adjusting, or maybe the baby is stretching. Whatever the reason, it feels so weird. LOL....We go this week to find out the gender. All 3 of us are sooooo excited. Tommy and Gabe say it's a girl, I say it's a boy. Most everyone I know believes it will be a girl but something tells me they aren't right. :)
We spent all day cleaning out Tommy's play room and his bedroom in preparation for the new addition. I'm giving all of Tommy's toys that he no longer plays with to my friend Shayla so she can have a good Christmas for her boys. I figured they have plenty of life still in them since most of his toys still look brand new because he has WAY too much. There's still a lot more I need to go through but I got tired and decided to put it off til tomorrow. I feel as though I'm getting sleepy early again like I did in the 1st trimester. It could be the time change that's messing me up. I know I stayed up really late last week doing math HW and was exhausted after that for the next couple of days. This weekend, I've been really tired. I don't enjoy being this lazy since I'm use to being on the go all the time. It's just hard to get things done such as cleaning the house and decorating for Christmas.
Speaking of decorating, we are having our annual Christmas party this year. I just couldn't imagine a year without a get together. Plus, Tommy is so excited. I was telling him today that we were having the Christmas party and he was saying how much he loves it. I like to have it to see all of my friends that I haven't seen in a while but to also bring in the holiday mood to Tommy and his friends. I believe Christmas is so magical for children and they love it so much.
Other than this, not too much going on. I'll post more after the ultrasound this week. So excited and praying all is well. ♥
Monday, November 8, 2010
~Nothing too exciting going on~
Well, over the past week, nothing exciting has really been going on. We did get our new roof and I LOVE it, still waiting to get all of the other work done. I'm ready to begin decorating around the house and have even began my Christmas shopping. I found some really cute things in Sephora today for my friends as gifts. Figured I better get things done now because things are about to get really hectic w/ the end of the school semester and the holiday festivities. The end of the semester is almost here for the math class so I went ahead and registered today for the online MAT161. Waiting from a response from the professor to make sure I'll be able to take it since the baby is due in April and the end of the semester doesn't end until the middle of May.
So last night I took a baby gender test. I'm pretty sure I read it correctly, however, we still won't know until we get the ultrasound. Since they scheduled the ultrasound when I'm 20 weeks, I called today to see if I could move it up some. I'm just waiting on the call to tell me if I can or not. I'm ready to start planning for this little one so it's very difficult to wait until week 20.
Anyways, on another note, typical mom attitude around the holidays. I'm sick to death of her always acting like a total bitch when this should be the happiest time of the year. So we invited her to Disney World w/ us and even offered to purchase her tickets. She said she didn't have the money to go but turned around yesterday and told me that she is going to fly out to Oregon to see my sister for Christmas. Ok, eeerk, lets back up, I thought she didn't have the money but all of a sudden, she has the money to purchase a plane ticket, board her dog for a couple of weeks, and has money to spend while she's out there. So I asked how she could afford to go out there but couldn't afford to go w/ us. Anyways, part of her response was that she hasn't seen the kids in a year and she found that more important. Is it just me, but words like that are very hurtful, especially because I asked her WAY in advance to go w/ us because Tommy wanted her to go. Basically she was saying that my sister and her kids are more important no matter how it came out of her mouth. This is just like her around the holidays and NO I didn't read more into than what it was. This is her being her hateful self. So I said that I wasn't going to my aunt's for Christmas if she wasn't going to be here and she asked why and I said because I didn't want to. Her response was.."whatever". Well, why ask if you don't want me to tell you why I won't go. Truth is, I just don't feel comfortable over there without her being there since I haven't spent the holidays w/ them in a couple of years. It's as though I don't have the right to feel that way or something. Right now, I'm just going to ignore her because she is TRYING to get me down and I'm not going to let her. She can be miserable all by herself because I've worked really hard at having a more positive outlook on things and surrounding myself w/ people that lift my spirits, not try to cause chaos.
Plus, I have this little one to worry about and I REFUSE to let anyone cause me unnecessary stress. So she can enjoy her time out there with my sister and the kids and it's as if she's done nothing to bother me. Actually, she doesn't even celebrate Christmas so it's no fun w/ her around anyways but I did find it hurtful that she said it was more important to go out there. Guess I'll say that one day back to her and see how she likes it.
Oh, just got the call, the ultrasound was moved up a week....YAY!!!!
So last night I took a baby gender test. I'm pretty sure I read it correctly, however, we still won't know until we get the ultrasound. Since they scheduled the ultrasound when I'm 20 weeks, I called today to see if I could move it up some. I'm just waiting on the call to tell me if I can or not. I'm ready to start planning for this little one so it's very difficult to wait until week 20.
Anyways, on another note, typical mom attitude around the holidays. I'm sick to death of her always acting like a total bitch when this should be the happiest time of the year. So we invited her to Disney World w/ us and even offered to purchase her tickets. She said she didn't have the money to go but turned around yesterday and told me that she is going to fly out to Oregon to see my sister for Christmas. Ok, eeerk, lets back up, I thought she didn't have the money but all of a sudden, she has the money to purchase a plane ticket, board her dog for a couple of weeks, and has money to spend while she's out there. So I asked how she could afford to go out there but couldn't afford to go w/ us. Anyways, part of her response was that she hasn't seen the kids in a year and she found that more important. Is it just me, but words like that are very hurtful, especially because I asked her WAY in advance to go w/ us because Tommy wanted her to go. Basically she was saying that my sister and her kids are more important no matter how it came out of her mouth. This is just like her around the holidays and NO I didn't read more into than what it was. This is her being her hateful self. So I said that I wasn't going to my aunt's for Christmas if she wasn't going to be here and she asked why and I said because I didn't want to. Her response was.."whatever". Well, why ask if you don't want me to tell you why I won't go. Truth is, I just don't feel comfortable over there without her being there since I haven't spent the holidays w/ them in a couple of years. It's as though I don't have the right to feel that way or something. Right now, I'm just going to ignore her because she is TRYING to get me down and I'm not going to let her. She can be miserable all by herself because I've worked really hard at having a more positive outlook on things and surrounding myself w/ people that lift my spirits, not try to cause chaos.
Plus, I have this little one to worry about and I REFUSE to let anyone cause me unnecessary stress. So she can enjoy her time out there with my sister and the kids and it's as if she's done nothing to bother me. Actually, she doesn't even celebrate Christmas so it's no fun w/ her around anyways but I did find it hurtful that she said it was more important to go out there. Guess I'll say that one day back to her and see how she likes it.
Oh, just got the call, the ultrasound was moved up a week....YAY!!!!
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
~Christmas came early for ME ♥~
So today was the day that we finally got our electric fire place. Actually, it's something I've wanted for years. I'm SOOOOO excited. Since we don't have a real one, this will have to do. It's so nice and holds other things as well, I believe it's called a "media fireplace" or something like that. This will be so good because since Gabe has moved our entertainment center out of the living room, he has been stacking the media center things on one of the end tables. I don't like that at all because he has moved all of my decor off of them so I haven't been able to put all of my beach things out. Luckily, my dad hung up a shelf above my curtains in the living room so I was able to put some things on that. It actually looks pretty cute. Anyways, the fireplace was my Christmas gift or that's what I told Gabe because there is no sense in spending more money than we need to around the holidays. The only thing I would like is a stocking...lol...I like nick nacks I suppose..lol
We are also getting our roof done on Thursday. Thank goodness! This is another gift for the both of us and eventually we will be getting the exterior done. We are just waiting on the money to do it which hopefully we'll get it soon. This house is beginning to feel more like a home, however, I still don't want to live here any longer than we have to. Moving may be difficult since the economy is down so much but hopefully we can make it work. Somewhere out of this county!
Oh, the flutters I was feeling yesterday were definitely the baby. I've felt them today and I'm loving it. FINALLY I can begin to feel the baby moving. I wish the movements were strong enough for Gabe and Tommy to feel but not quite yet. I don't feel them all day, just here and there but I know now it's the baby for sure. Today I ordered my maternity Christmas shirt. It's too cute. I also ordered a floor stocking holder since we didn't have an actual mantel to hang them on. It's cute too!
We looked at bed frames for Tommy last night. His frame has never fit his mattress correctly so we are looking around for something that we all like. I would like something w/ storage underneath, like drawers or something, but Tommy wants bunk beds. If we find out the baby is a boy, then we could look into bunk beds but if it's a girl, unfortunately, he'll have to settle for something different.
Oh and another exciting thing coming up is Thanksgiving. My family and I have smoothed things over and the plan is that we eat w/ them for lunch on Thanksgiving day. I'm actually pretty excited since I haven't seen them in a couple of years. My aunt and I are so much alike it's kinda scary. She gets her feelings hurt and lashes out and regrets it later, I pretty much do the same thing. We wear our emotions on our sleeves but forgive easily and try to move on. I know my aunt has one of the purest hearts of anyone that I know but her hurt and lash outs can get her in trouble. It does me too but I get my emotions honestly. Like my cousin said, we are still family even if it is dysfunctional. That's so true! Who doesn't have their family drama. The only thing I don't like about having differences is they all gang up on me. But, I'm a strong person so I've been able to hold my ground so far. They seemed really excited to have us over and said they've really missed us. I've really missed them too! I hated being away from them but I knew it was the best thing to do at the time. Sometimes it's just best to take yourself out of a messy situation and let things work themselves out.
So more about Thanksgiving. If we have lunch w/ them, I'd like to come back here and have Allen, Marissa, Gina and Tom over for Thanksgiving dinner. Gabe and I want to fry a turkey this year. Gina said Allen was going to go all the way back to Ohio just to have a fried turkey so he's beside himself excited that we are frying one here so he doesn't have to travel. :) Tom and Gina are moving so if they are in town, I think it would be nice to have them here for dinner so they won't have to do a lot of cooking or cleaning. Just a little something to make life a little easier for them.
Speaking of easier my friend, Stacy, responded back w/ some gift ideas for her boys. She didn't want me to get them anything but I am so I MADE her give me a gift list..lol..And I'm also going to cook them dinner and take it to them. I'll make some crock pot mac and cheese and some other things to go w/ it. I know they are going to be so appreciative so it makes me feel really good that we can do this for their family.
We are also getting our roof done on Thursday. Thank goodness! This is another gift for the both of us and eventually we will be getting the exterior done. We are just waiting on the money to do it which hopefully we'll get it soon. This house is beginning to feel more like a home, however, I still don't want to live here any longer than we have to. Moving may be difficult since the economy is down so much but hopefully we can make it work. Somewhere out of this county!
Oh, the flutters I was feeling yesterday were definitely the baby. I've felt them today and I'm loving it. FINALLY I can begin to feel the baby moving. I wish the movements were strong enough for Gabe and Tommy to feel but not quite yet. I don't feel them all day, just here and there but I know now it's the baby for sure. Today I ordered my maternity Christmas shirt. It's too cute. I also ordered a floor stocking holder since we didn't have an actual mantel to hang them on. It's cute too!
We looked at bed frames for Tommy last night. His frame has never fit his mattress correctly so we are looking around for something that we all like. I would like something w/ storage underneath, like drawers or something, but Tommy wants bunk beds. If we find out the baby is a boy, then we could look into bunk beds but if it's a girl, unfortunately, he'll have to settle for something different.
Oh and another exciting thing coming up is Thanksgiving. My family and I have smoothed things over and the plan is that we eat w/ them for lunch on Thanksgiving day. I'm actually pretty excited since I haven't seen them in a couple of years. My aunt and I are so much alike it's kinda scary. She gets her feelings hurt and lashes out and regrets it later, I pretty much do the same thing. We wear our emotions on our sleeves but forgive easily and try to move on. I know my aunt has one of the purest hearts of anyone that I know but her hurt and lash outs can get her in trouble. It does me too but I get my emotions honestly. Like my cousin said, we are still family even if it is dysfunctional. That's so true! Who doesn't have their family drama. The only thing I don't like about having differences is they all gang up on me. But, I'm a strong person so I've been able to hold my ground so far. They seemed really excited to have us over and said they've really missed us. I've really missed them too! I hated being away from them but I knew it was the best thing to do at the time. Sometimes it's just best to take yourself out of a messy situation and let things work themselves out.
So more about Thanksgiving. If we have lunch w/ them, I'd like to come back here and have Allen, Marissa, Gina and Tom over for Thanksgiving dinner. Gabe and I want to fry a turkey this year. Gina said Allen was going to go all the way back to Ohio just to have a fried turkey so he's beside himself excited that we are frying one here so he doesn't have to travel. :) Tom and Gina are moving so if they are in town, I think it would be nice to have them here for dinner so they won't have to do a lot of cooking or cleaning. Just a little something to make life a little easier for them.
Speaking of easier my friend, Stacy, responded back w/ some gift ideas for her boys. She didn't want me to get them anything but I am so I MADE her give me a gift list..lol..And I'm also going to cook them dinner and take it to them. I'll make some crock pot mac and cheese and some other things to go w/ it. I know they are going to be so appreciative so it makes me feel really good that we can do this for their family.
Monday, November 1, 2010
~Halloween was a BUST~
Well, let me talk about our weekend. It was busy but such a let down. Saturday, we took Tommy trick or treating in a neighborhood that decided to celebrate Halloween on Saturday instead of Sunday. Needless to say, it wasn't much fun. Hardly anyone was celebrating. I feel so bad for the kids because there were so many. Tommy got plenty of candy but that isn't what it's about, it's about having fun and seeing them have such a good time. Oh, and we did do a trunk or treat on Friday night which was a lot of fun.
Sunday, we ended up going to a festival, which was so crowded so once we left there, we went to another trunk or treat at my friend, Alysia's, church. That was fun as well but we didn't stay very long, just long enough for them to play some games and head out trick or treating. I heard about this neighborhood that is blocked off for trick or treaters and it's very kid friendly. We parked w/ all of the other cars and I couldn't believe how crowded it was. My first thought was that it was going to be so much fun to see all the houses decorated. Well, what another let down. Hardly anyone here was celebrating so we decided to go back to McAdenville in which we had drove through on the way to this particular neighborhood. It was me, Shayla, Gabe, Tommy, Nik, Grayson, Evan, and Debbie. McAdenville looked really cute and had lots of kids. At this point, it's going on 8 pm. All the driving around that we did looking for a good spot to take the kiddos got us so behind. By the time we got to McAdenville, people were beginning to turn their lights off. I was say total, the kids may have hit 10 houses if that. It was such a let down. The kids had a blast regardless but I was so bothered by the way things aren't fun anymore. When I was little, everyone celebrated Halloween. It was safe, you got tons of candy, and more than anything else, you had fun. It was memories that I wish could be made for my child. They think what they did was fun but it doesn't compare to how things were when I was small. It's sad really that Halloween is hardly celebrated these days.
I mean, part of me understands why but the other part of me wishes there would be a drastic change and things would be like they use to. I know people don't celebrate as much because of the bad in the world. You have teens smashing pumpkins, egging houses/cars, or just plain out causing all kinds of trouble. You never know what you'll end up with on your porch. I know there were these things back when we were little, but it wasn't near as bad as it is now, seems the worst someone would do back then was snatch a bag of candy, not carry guns or vandalize things.
Today, a friend of mine was telling me about taking her 1 yr. old out trick or treating. She was saying that someone at one of the houses made a smart comment about her wanting the candy, not her little girl. Really? I just think that is so stupid and it really got under my skin. People are just so hateful these days. Was that comment really necessary? As a new mother, she wanted to take her little girl out for some fun and I'm sure to get some really good pictures. These are milestones that us as parents talk about, write about, or take pictures of. It just makes me sick that people find a way to take the fun out of every single thing. Like I was saying, it isn't about the candy, it's about celebrating and having some fun. With hateful people like this in the world, I don't see that drastic change coming anytime soon. I felt bad for the mom because if it was me, it would have broke my heart that I can't even take my child out for some fun without someone ruining it for me. I probably wouldn't even want to celebrate for the upcoming years.
With our little one on the way, I just wonder how trick or treating will be for him/her. Will it even exist by then? All I can hope for is a change that people will begin to bring the fun back into all holidays. I'm a HUGE holiday fanatic so I enjoy celebrating them all but when others don't enjoy it, what fun is left?
Anyways, I suppose I'll end my rant. I'll post pics below of our Halloween night. On a lighter note, I've felt some flutters come and go today on the right side of my bellybutton. I'm hoping it's the baby moving but I'm not sure yet. I'm thinking if I feel them later then it's definitely the baby. It's been almost 9 years since I had Tommy so I'm not as in tune w/ my body like all these other baby making machines. LOL. Actually, everything feels so new to me with all the things that are different from when my son was born. :)
We also have some exterior housework going to be done this week...hopefully. We have the roofer coming out tomorrow and hopefully we will have a new roof by this weekend. We are still in the process for all of the other exterior work. I'm hoping that before Christmas it will all be done. I've gotten down all of my Halloween decorations and I'm ready to pull out the Christmas stuff. I'm hoping that right after the roof is done that Gabe will hang our lights. I have to ride him or they won't go up...haha!
Once we get everything done, we want to look into moving. I hate that we feel so stuck in this house since the economy stinks but I'm sure we'll do whatever it takes to get out of here. I've seen several places that look really nice, I just want a garage, large yard, wrap around porch, a deck would be nice, storage space, and a fireplace. Is that too much to ask for? Most houses already come w/ these things. We were so young when we purchased our house that we didn't know what to look for. Now that we are older and we've learned, we definitely know what kind of house to get next. I'm just praying it will go our way eventually and we won't have to be here much longer.
Here are the pics of Halloween
Shari's Berries for Tommy...they are so yummy!
Tommy and my 4 month pregnant belly
Tommy took this pic, I loved the way it came out
Trick or Treat
Loving the skater look
This house was one of the very few that went way out. The people that lived here were so nice
Trunk or Treat
Tommy w/ his BF Grayson
In the firetruck
Grayson, Evan, and Tommy
Sunday, we ended up going to a festival, which was so crowded so once we left there, we went to another trunk or treat at my friend, Alysia's, church. That was fun as well but we didn't stay very long, just long enough for them to play some games and head out trick or treating. I heard about this neighborhood that is blocked off for trick or treaters and it's very kid friendly. We parked w/ all of the other cars and I couldn't believe how crowded it was. My first thought was that it was going to be so much fun to see all the houses decorated. Well, what another let down. Hardly anyone here was celebrating so we decided to go back to McAdenville in which we had drove through on the way to this particular neighborhood. It was me, Shayla, Gabe, Tommy, Nik, Grayson, Evan, and Debbie. McAdenville looked really cute and had lots of kids. At this point, it's going on 8 pm. All the driving around that we did looking for a good spot to take the kiddos got us so behind. By the time we got to McAdenville, people were beginning to turn their lights off. I was say total, the kids may have hit 10 houses if that. It was such a let down. The kids had a blast regardless but I was so bothered by the way things aren't fun anymore. When I was little, everyone celebrated Halloween. It was safe, you got tons of candy, and more than anything else, you had fun. It was memories that I wish could be made for my child. They think what they did was fun but it doesn't compare to how things were when I was small. It's sad really that Halloween is hardly celebrated these days.
I mean, part of me understands why but the other part of me wishes there would be a drastic change and things would be like they use to. I know people don't celebrate as much because of the bad in the world. You have teens smashing pumpkins, egging houses/cars, or just plain out causing all kinds of trouble. You never know what you'll end up with on your porch. I know there were these things back when we were little, but it wasn't near as bad as it is now, seems the worst someone would do back then was snatch a bag of candy, not carry guns or vandalize things.
Today, a friend of mine was telling me about taking her 1 yr. old out trick or treating. She was saying that someone at one of the houses made a smart comment about her wanting the candy, not her little girl. Really? I just think that is so stupid and it really got under my skin. People are just so hateful these days. Was that comment really necessary? As a new mother, she wanted to take her little girl out for some fun and I'm sure to get some really good pictures. These are milestones that us as parents talk about, write about, or take pictures of. It just makes me sick that people find a way to take the fun out of every single thing. Like I was saying, it isn't about the candy, it's about celebrating and having some fun. With hateful people like this in the world, I don't see that drastic change coming anytime soon. I felt bad for the mom because if it was me, it would have broke my heart that I can't even take my child out for some fun without someone ruining it for me. I probably wouldn't even want to celebrate for the upcoming years.
With our little one on the way, I just wonder how trick or treating will be for him/her. Will it even exist by then? All I can hope for is a change that people will begin to bring the fun back into all holidays. I'm a HUGE holiday fanatic so I enjoy celebrating them all but when others don't enjoy it, what fun is left?
Anyways, I suppose I'll end my rant. I'll post pics below of our Halloween night. On a lighter note, I've felt some flutters come and go today on the right side of my bellybutton. I'm hoping it's the baby moving but I'm not sure yet. I'm thinking if I feel them later then it's definitely the baby. It's been almost 9 years since I had Tommy so I'm not as in tune w/ my body like all these other baby making machines. LOL. Actually, everything feels so new to me with all the things that are different from when my son was born. :)
We also have some exterior housework going to be done this week...hopefully. We have the roofer coming out tomorrow and hopefully we will have a new roof by this weekend. We are still in the process for all of the other exterior work. I'm hoping that before Christmas it will all be done. I've gotten down all of my Halloween decorations and I'm ready to pull out the Christmas stuff. I'm hoping that right after the roof is done that Gabe will hang our lights. I have to ride him or they won't go up...haha!
Once we get everything done, we want to look into moving. I hate that we feel so stuck in this house since the economy stinks but I'm sure we'll do whatever it takes to get out of here. I've seen several places that look really nice, I just want a garage, large yard, wrap around porch, a deck would be nice, storage space, and a fireplace. Is that too much to ask for? Most houses already come w/ these things. We were so young when we purchased our house that we didn't know what to look for. Now that we are older and we've learned, we definitely know what kind of house to get next. I'm just praying it will go our way eventually and we won't have to be here much longer.
Here are the pics of Halloween
Saturday, October 30, 2010
~All the Halloween Festivities~
It's been such a busy week so far planning for all of the Halloween festivities. Tommy and I made the cutest goody bags for his class. I was really glad because it didn't seem like the other parents really did much for them. I have always done goody bags for just about every single event since Tommy was in pre-k. Just something I really enjoy doing. Then last night we went to a fall festival at Harvest Church. I attended this church for many many years when I was younger into my early teens. I even got Baptized at this church. It was so nice to see so many familiar faces and even saw others that I went to school with.
Tonight, I believe we are going trick or treating close to the house and tomorrow we have several different things we want to do. A friend of mine that I haven't seen in a while is having a trunk or treat at her church and invited us to go to that and then her husband takes the kids around on a hay ride to trick or treat in her neighborhood. She's like me, the day after Halloween she's ready to decorate for Christmas. I said we must be related. HAHA!
I was in Target the other day and they have already gotten lots of things out for Christmas. I've already gotten the kids their goody bags for Tommy's class. Can you say that I'm ahead of the game? LOL I LOVE Christmas so I'm actually ready for Halloween to be gone so I can drag out all of the Christmas decorations. I've decided to have the Christmas party after all. It just wouldn't be the same without one but I've decided to keep this one a lot smaller and only invite the people that I'm really close to. It's hard being a host but even harder when you have a huge group to entertain. I would usually have a drink before everyone would arrive to calm my nerves but this year I can't do that..lol..so smaller it will be. I'm extremely anxious to begin decorating and shopping. I have a friend that doesn't have a lot so I've decided to help her w/ her Christmas for her 4 boys. She doesn't know it yet but I'm sure she'll be so thankful. We have much more than many and I think her boys deserve a good Christmas. She came from a poor background and still lives that kind of life. Where she lives, there really isn't a lot of jobs so it's hard to make much money. I'm also going through all of Tommy's toys and donating those to another friend of mine so she can give those to her kids for Christmas. Most of his toys are like brand new because he has so much he doesn't know what to do w/ them. My friend Stacy, the one that has the 4 boys, not only will we help her w/Christmas, I think it would also be nice to cook them a nice dinner for their family.
I would like to do something this year to help the less fortunate out instead of purchasing Tommy a bunch of unnecessary things that he will never play with, plus, he's older and is into more expensive toys such as electronics. One thing that I would like to do for Tommy is decorate his room in a skate design, get him a game chair, and a new bed w/ storage. He really needs a bed w/ storage underneath. Not sure if we'll get around to decorating but it would be nice if we did. I've also decided this year that instead of getting stuff to fill up Gabe's stocking that he may never use, decided we should both write down a list of our favorite things, drink, candy, snacks, perfume/cologne....etc. That way we can't go wrong. I'm actually very easy to buy for. I like chocolate, coke, and anything girly...makeup, perfume, bath and body works. Gabe could never go wrong w/ me but men are so hard to buy for, especially my husband. :) This way, I'll know things that Gabe will get use out of and nothing will go to waste.
Also, Gabe's supervisor just gave him 5 extra vacation days to use between now and the end of the year. We could extend our trip to Disney but I'm not sure yet. I'm thinking he should take some time around Thanksgiving and we can bring in both holidays together. Or take a day or two to help me w/ decorations and hanging our lights. hehe!
I just have a feeling that this Christmas is going to be a really good one. I hope Gabe will enjoy it as much as I do, he's always Bah Humbug because he's never enjoyed Christmas the same way I have which really stinks. I'm hoping this year that he gets into the holiday spirit and it ends up being the best Christmas yet.
Changing the subject, today was Tommy's last soccer game of the fall season. :( We are all bummed because he really really really enjoyed this year and his team. Tommy has really came out of his shell a lot this year and is interacting w/ the children more. I noticed that the game before this one that this one kid on the other team was using his hands to push our players when in soccer, their is a NO HAND rule unless you are the goalie. Of course me and my loud mouth yelled that the kid needed to keep his hands to himself. I thought I was going to pull him off the field by his ears...haha. But Tommy had it under control, when the kid pushed Tommy, Tommy pushed him right back. Good for Tommy even though most parents would be SHOCKED I would say that. Well, he's got to learn to defend himself in this day and age. Kids are so mean these days and I don't ever want Tommy go do down a road of bulling like I did so if that means sticking up for himself, good for him. He doesn't instigate, however, if they do something he doesn't like, he'll be sure to let them know he isn't going to take it. I'm proud he stands up for himself.
He wants to play flag football so that's what we are going to put him in now. I think he'll really enjoy it.
Oh and a quick update on the baby, both of us are doing great. I'm impatiently waiting to feel that first movement which I know will be soon. I was going to see if we could move the ultrasound up but decided to wait on the day it's scheduled. Tommy's teacher is so excited for the baby. She emailed me yesterday and said that she used 2 of their spelling words in sentences talking about Tommy and the baby. She said Tommy was smiling ear to ear. He's impatiently waiting w/ me to feel that first movement. :) He will go w/ us for the ultrasound. He's going to be such a great big brother and as long as they allow it, he will be there for the delivery, yes in the room w/ us. He will play a HUGE role in the baby's life and I find it very important for him to be there for this.
Anyways, will post Halloween pics later. :)
Tonight, I believe we are going trick or treating close to the house and tomorrow we have several different things we want to do. A friend of mine that I haven't seen in a while is having a trunk or treat at her church and invited us to go to that and then her husband takes the kids around on a hay ride to trick or treat in her neighborhood. She's like me, the day after Halloween she's ready to decorate for Christmas. I said we must be related. HAHA!
I was in Target the other day and they have already gotten lots of things out for Christmas. I've already gotten the kids their goody bags for Tommy's class. Can you say that I'm ahead of the game? LOL I LOVE Christmas so I'm actually ready for Halloween to be gone so I can drag out all of the Christmas decorations. I've decided to have the Christmas party after all. It just wouldn't be the same without one but I've decided to keep this one a lot smaller and only invite the people that I'm really close to. It's hard being a host but even harder when you have a huge group to entertain. I would usually have a drink before everyone would arrive to calm my nerves but this year I can't do that..lol..so smaller it will be. I'm extremely anxious to begin decorating and shopping. I have a friend that doesn't have a lot so I've decided to help her w/ her Christmas for her 4 boys. She doesn't know it yet but I'm sure she'll be so thankful. We have much more than many and I think her boys deserve a good Christmas. She came from a poor background and still lives that kind of life. Where she lives, there really isn't a lot of jobs so it's hard to make much money. I'm also going through all of Tommy's toys and donating those to another friend of mine so she can give those to her kids for Christmas. Most of his toys are like brand new because he has so much he doesn't know what to do w/ them. My friend Stacy, the one that has the 4 boys, not only will we help her w/Christmas, I think it would also be nice to cook them a nice dinner for their family.
I would like to do something this year to help the less fortunate out instead of purchasing Tommy a bunch of unnecessary things that he will never play with, plus, he's older and is into more expensive toys such as electronics. One thing that I would like to do for Tommy is decorate his room in a skate design, get him a game chair, and a new bed w/ storage. He really needs a bed w/ storage underneath. Not sure if we'll get around to decorating but it would be nice if we did. I've also decided this year that instead of getting stuff to fill up Gabe's stocking that he may never use, decided we should both write down a list of our favorite things, drink, candy, snacks, perfume/cologne....etc. That way we can't go wrong. I'm actually very easy to buy for. I like chocolate, coke, and anything girly...makeup, perfume, bath and body works. Gabe could never go wrong w/ me but men are so hard to buy for, especially my husband. :) This way, I'll know things that Gabe will get use out of and nothing will go to waste.
Also, Gabe's supervisor just gave him 5 extra vacation days to use between now and the end of the year. We could extend our trip to Disney but I'm not sure yet. I'm thinking he should take some time around Thanksgiving and we can bring in both holidays together. Or take a day or two to help me w/ decorations and hanging our lights. hehe!
I just have a feeling that this Christmas is going to be a really good one. I hope Gabe will enjoy it as much as I do, he's always Bah Humbug because he's never enjoyed Christmas the same way I have which really stinks. I'm hoping this year that he gets into the holiday spirit and it ends up being the best Christmas yet.
Changing the subject, today was Tommy's last soccer game of the fall season. :( We are all bummed because he really really really enjoyed this year and his team. Tommy has really came out of his shell a lot this year and is interacting w/ the children more. I noticed that the game before this one that this one kid on the other team was using his hands to push our players when in soccer, their is a NO HAND rule unless you are the goalie. Of course me and my loud mouth yelled that the kid needed to keep his hands to himself. I thought I was going to pull him off the field by his ears...haha. But Tommy had it under control, when the kid pushed Tommy, Tommy pushed him right back. Good for Tommy even though most parents would be SHOCKED I would say that. Well, he's got to learn to defend himself in this day and age. Kids are so mean these days and I don't ever want Tommy go do down a road of bulling like I did so if that means sticking up for himself, good for him. He doesn't instigate, however, if they do something he doesn't like, he'll be sure to let them know he isn't going to take it. I'm proud he stands up for himself.
He wants to play flag football so that's what we are going to put him in now. I think he'll really enjoy it.
Oh and a quick update on the baby, both of us are doing great. I'm impatiently waiting to feel that first movement which I know will be soon. I was going to see if we could move the ultrasound up but decided to wait on the day it's scheduled. Tommy's teacher is so excited for the baby. She emailed me yesterday and said that she used 2 of their spelling words in sentences talking about Tommy and the baby. She said Tommy was smiling ear to ear. He's impatiently waiting w/ me to feel that first movement. :) He will go w/ us for the ultrasound. He's going to be such a great big brother and as long as they allow it, he will be there for the delivery, yes in the room w/ us. He will play a HUGE role in the baby's life and I find it very important for him to be there for this.
Anyways, will post Halloween pics later. :)
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
~16 week update~
So today we had our 16 week f/u w/ my ob. I had a bad dream last night about losing the baby so I woke up very nervous about today's appointment. I usually keep the bad dreams to myself since I have them so frequently but I figured I would tell Gabe about it while we were waiting in the waiting area. He said not to think that way and that things would be fine. Easy for him to say I suppose but I can't help but be a bundle of constant worry all the time.
Once we went back they wanted a urine sample. I thought for sure I had to use the bathroom but then I couldn't seem to get my door locked or so I thought and then couldn't go. I must have been nervous someone would walk in even though I have noticed the past couple of days I seem to need to go but hardly anything so the first thing I think about is a UTI. I told the nurse I would try again before I left.
I saw a midwife today that I've never seen. I really liked her a lot. I did mention that when I saw the actual Dr. that I haven't gotten my lab results back as of yet for the Fifth Disease. She had the results and said that it was normal but I do have the antibodies which means I was exposed to it as a child and that I'm immune to it. Whew!!! That made me feel worlds better just knowing that I can't get it. :)
I talked to her about bonding w/ the baby and said that I'm having a hard time but that I really want to and she said it's my brain protecting me and that it's normal to feel this way. She believes once I begin feeling movement that around that time I'll be able to bond more and the pregnancy will feel real at that point. I kinda figured it would take feeling the baby to really feel better about things and to bond w/ my little monkey. As much as I want to, I just can't seem to right now. I've wanted this baby for so long now that it's unbearable thinking that it may take a tragic turn. Unless you have walked in my shoes, you would not be able to relate or even begin to understand how I feel and why I'm having bonding issues. And let me just set it straight so there isn't any misunderstanding, all we have wanted is another baby to love and take care of. This baby IS loved very much and we want this baby more than anything in this world. The bonding comes in because I have fear of losing something I already love so much and going through another heartbreak. It has NOTHING to do w/ not wanting the baby so I hope it isn't misinterpreted that way.
We heard the heartbeat. It is in the 150's which is perfect. The baby was a wiggle worm, all over the place when she was trying to listen to the heartbeat. It was pretty cool hearing the baby moving since I'm unable to feel anything yet. Just hearing it made me smile ear to ear. Gabe was over there glowing w/ happiness. The happiness was radiating off of both of us. I just wish I could have seen the baby today but that will come later. The baby made a thump which could have been a sudden movement or maybe even a hiccup. Just hearing the heartbeat makes the pregnancy more real even though I really need to feel the baby moving. I just know that will make me feel much better about every thing.
So after we had our visit, I saw one of the midwives that has followed me the most through my miscarriages. She hasn't seen me since I got pregnant and has been out on medical leave. She came running in the room and wrapped her arms around me and was saying how happy she was. Her voice was shaky so I knew she was about to cry. Lord knows, I was glad she didn't because I would have cried too. All happy tears of course. :)
I ended up giving them a urine sample on the way out and they said to drink more fluids since I'm dehydrated. I kinda figured I probably was since I haven't drank enough fluids the past couple of days.
We go back right before Thanksgiving for the ultrasound to see the sex of the baby. I just can't wait!!!! Tommy will go w/ us to that visit. A friend of mine asked me earlier had he been to any of the visits so far and I said no and she was wondering why. Well, it's because we never knew which way the pregnancy was going to go and Tommy has been through hell w/ my losses. I couldn't bare the thought of getting bad news and he was there for that visit and had to see me go through those emotions again. I wanted to protect him and thought it was best not to take him until we feel more confident about the pregnancy where he can go and see the baby on the ultrasound. Tommy is very excited to have a sibling and I know this will be the best visit for him to go to. Currently he talks more to the baby than I do and that's because I'm having the bonding issues but Tommy sure isn't. He can't wait to see and hold the baby. I think it's so adorable how he already loves this little baby so much. He talks about the baby to his teacher and friends at his school. I know he's going to be one proud big brother.
On another note, Tommy and I took a quick trip to Wal-Mart last night to get Halloween carving kits for our pumpkins. I had some carving kits but can't seem to find them anywhere. We had to get in and get out because I had to get home and take my injection which I was already running behind for. We were going through the store so fast so I could get home for that that they probably thought we were stealing something...haha! I don't usually go to that Wal-Mart because of all of the riff raff that goes there but we were on a tight time restraint and it was the closest to the house. We ended up carving the pumpkins and cleaning the pumpkin seeds to bake later today. I also have some cookie dough w/ some cute Halloween cookie cutters to use. Hopefully we get around to that tonight as well. I ordered Tommy some chocolate covered strawberries from Cherry Moon Farms since they were decorated for Halloween/Fall. I ordered extra for me and Gabe...LOL...I got Gabe some of those for Father's Day and they were so yummy!. This baby craves fruit and of course I crave the chocolate. hehe! We also have Tommy a Halloween gift bag w/ goodies in it and he got something from his aunt Kim today in the mail. We send each others kids something every Halloween in the mail, it's a tradition. Tommy has been non stop asking when his aunt Kim was sending his Halloween goodies. LOL. Of course I didn't say anything to Kim about it but I found it cute that he was so excited for what she does for him every year. :) It's fun for me and Kim to do things like that for the kiddos. Oh, she may come visit right before Thanksgiving. I think we should just celebrate Thanksgiving early this year if she does fly in. We are wanting to get a turkey fryer and fry a turkey this year. I've heard they are YUMMY! I'd like to try it to see how it comes out.
Anyways, pictures below of our pumpkin carving.
Once we went back they wanted a urine sample. I thought for sure I had to use the bathroom but then I couldn't seem to get my door locked or so I thought and then couldn't go. I must have been nervous someone would walk in even though I have noticed the past couple of days I seem to need to go but hardly anything so the first thing I think about is a UTI. I told the nurse I would try again before I left.
I saw a midwife today that I've never seen. I really liked her a lot. I did mention that when I saw the actual Dr. that I haven't gotten my lab results back as of yet for the Fifth Disease. She had the results and said that it was normal but I do have the antibodies which means I was exposed to it as a child and that I'm immune to it. Whew!!! That made me feel worlds better just knowing that I can't get it. :)
I talked to her about bonding w/ the baby and said that I'm having a hard time but that I really want to and she said it's my brain protecting me and that it's normal to feel this way. She believes once I begin feeling movement that around that time I'll be able to bond more and the pregnancy will feel real at that point. I kinda figured it would take feeling the baby to really feel better about things and to bond w/ my little monkey. As much as I want to, I just can't seem to right now. I've wanted this baby for so long now that it's unbearable thinking that it may take a tragic turn. Unless you have walked in my shoes, you would not be able to relate or even begin to understand how I feel and why I'm having bonding issues. And let me just set it straight so there isn't any misunderstanding, all we have wanted is another baby to love and take care of. This baby IS loved very much and we want this baby more than anything in this world. The bonding comes in because I have fear of losing something I already love so much and going through another heartbreak. It has NOTHING to do w/ not wanting the baby so I hope it isn't misinterpreted that way.
We heard the heartbeat. It is in the 150's which is perfect. The baby was a wiggle worm, all over the place when she was trying to listen to the heartbeat. It was pretty cool hearing the baby moving since I'm unable to feel anything yet. Just hearing it made me smile ear to ear. Gabe was over there glowing w/ happiness. The happiness was radiating off of both of us. I just wish I could have seen the baby today but that will come later. The baby made a thump which could have been a sudden movement or maybe even a hiccup. Just hearing the heartbeat makes the pregnancy more real even though I really need to feel the baby moving. I just know that will make me feel much better about every thing.
So after we had our visit, I saw one of the midwives that has followed me the most through my miscarriages. She hasn't seen me since I got pregnant and has been out on medical leave. She came running in the room and wrapped her arms around me and was saying how happy she was. Her voice was shaky so I knew she was about to cry. Lord knows, I was glad she didn't because I would have cried too. All happy tears of course. :)
I ended up giving them a urine sample on the way out and they said to drink more fluids since I'm dehydrated. I kinda figured I probably was since I haven't drank enough fluids the past couple of days.
We go back right before Thanksgiving for the ultrasound to see the sex of the baby. I just can't wait!!!! Tommy will go w/ us to that visit. A friend of mine asked me earlier had he been to any of the visits so far and I said no and she was wondering why. Well, it's because we never knew which way the pregnancy was going to go and Tommy has been through hell w/ my losses. I couldn't bare the thought of getting bad news and he was there for that visit and had to see me go through those emotions again. I wanted to protect him and thought it was best not to take him until we feel more confident about the pregnancy where he can go and see the baby on the ultrasound. Tommy is very excited to have a sibling and I know this will be the best visit for him to go to. Currently he talks more to the baby than I do and that's because I'm having the bonding issues but Tommy sure isn't. He can't wait to see and hold the baby. I think it's so adorable how he already loves this little baby so much. He talks about the baby to his teacher and friends at his school. I know he's going to be one proud big brother.
On another note, Tommy and I took a quick trip to Wal-Mart last night to get Halloween carving kits for our pumpkins. I had some carving kits but can't seem to find them anywhere. We had to get in and get out because I had to get home and take my injection which I was already running behind for. We were going through the store so fast so I could get home for that that they probably thought we were stealing something...haha! I don't usually go to that Wal-Mart because of all of the riff raff that goes there but we were on a tight time restraint and it was the closest to the house. We ended up carving the pumpkins and cleaning the pumpkin seeds to bake later today. I also have some cookie dough w/ some cute Halloween cookie cutters to use. Hopefully we get around to that tonight as well. I ordered Tommy some chocolate covered strawberries from Cherry Moon Farms since they were decorated for Halloween/Fall. I ordered extra for me and Gabe...LOL...I got Gabe some of those for Father's Day and they were so yummy!. This baby craves fruit and of course I crave the chocolate. hehe! We also have Tommy a Halloween gift bag w/ goodies in it and he got something from his aunt Kim today in the mail. We send each others kids something every Halloween in the mail, it's a tradition. Tommy has been non stop asking when his aunt Kim was sending his Halloween goodies. LOL. Of course I didn't say anything to Kim about it but I found it cute that he was so excited for what she does for him every year. :) It's fun for me and Kim to do things like that for the kiddos. Oh, she may come visit right before Thanksgiving. I think we should just celebrate Thanksgiving early this year if she does fly in. We are wanting to get a turkey fryer and fry a turkey this year. I've heard they are YUMMY! I'd like to try it to see how it comes out.
Anyways, pictures below of our pumpkin carving.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
~Much Better~
I'm going to make this short since I've been working on hours of homework and it's time to go to bed. :)
I'm feeling so much better today. Last night we got out w/ some friends and had such a great time. Shayla and I would talk about the wild days we had and laugh until we had tears and our bellies hurt. We even had the boys going. It was a great night and something I've really needed. I can't wait to plan our next adventure. hehe.
Even though it was a late night, we didn't want that to stop us from going to church. We got ready this morning and picked Tommy up from his Grandma's. We went to Sheila's church which is a Methodist church. I was hoping that Gabe would like the church and Tommy as well. Gabe seemed to like it pretty well and Tommy still isn't too sure. There was no children there he knew like the 1st church we visited. We all plan on going back next Sunday and giving it a chance. I have a feeling this is where we will finally end up. I know a lot of people I went to HS with at the church which makes it that much better.
Hopefully this week will be a good one. I have a math quiz and a test. The quiz I'm sure I'll do fine but the test I'm not so sure about. I wish I didn't worry so much about these tests but depending on the test, the material can end up being 10 times more difficult than any problem we have worked up to that point. Guess we'll see. Again, just ready for this semester to be over with.
Tommy had a soccer game on Saturday. He played so well, however, their team ended up losing. This is the same team that they lost to in the beginning. So far they have lost 2, won 1 and tied up once. He has 2 more games and his soccer season is over. He was talking about it being over earlier and I thought for sure he was going to cry. He looked so sad because he has really enjoyed playing this year. They are having sign-ups for flag football right now so I'm hoping he'll play that since he wants to play tackle football next fall.
This is about the only updates I have. We go to the Dr. this week and I'll update more after that.
I'm feeling so much better today. Last night we got out w/ some friends and had such a great time. Shayla and I would talk about the wild days we had and laugh until we had tears and our bellies hurt. We even had the boys going. It was a great night and something I've really needed. I can't wait to plan our next adventure. hehe.
Even though it was a late night, we didn't want that to stop us from going to church. We got ready this morning and picked Tommy up from his Grandma's. We went to Sheila's church which is a Methodist church. I was hoping that Gabe would like the church and Tommy as well. Gabe seemed to like it pretty well and Tommy still isn't too sure. There was no children there he knew like the 1st church we visited. We all plan on going back next Sunday and giving it a chance. I have a feeling this is where we will finally end up. I know a lot of people I went to HS with at the church which makes it that much better.
Hopefully this week will be a good one. I have a math quiz and a test. The quiz I'm sure I'll do fine but the test I'm not so sure about. I wish I didn't worry so much about these tests but depending on the test, the material can end up being 10 times more difficult than any problem we have worked up to that point. Guess we'll see. Again, just ready for this semester to be over with.
Tommy had a soccer game on Saturday. He played so well, however, their team ended up losing. This is the same team that they lost to in the beginning. So far they have lost 2, won 1 and tied up once. He has 2 more games and his soccer season is over. He was talking about it being over earlier and I thought for sure he was going to cry. He looked so sad because he has really enjoyed playing this year. They are having sign-ups for flag football right now so I'm hoping he'll play that since he wants to play tackle football next fall.
This is about the only updates I have. We go to the Dr. this week and I'll update more after that.
Friday, October 22, 2010
~I'm only HUMAN!~
Well the past couple of days I've been so moody, sad mainly. It definitely could be hormones but it could also be something more than that. I've cried off and on the past 2 days. Mainly just reflecting at my life and realizing, I'm nowhere close to where I want to be. I've been stuck for so long that even baby steps forward are taking too long. Yes, I like immediate results, just like when I try to lose weight. HA!
It kinda starts w/ me and Gabe. As much as I love him, I can't stand him sometimes if that makes any sense. I've looked around this house and see a disaster. It's normal for our house but I'm only one person, I can't pull the weight of all 3 of us. It's only going to get worse once the baby is here. Meaning, the mess of course. I've begged, even pleaded w/ Gabe for years to PLEASE help me around this house. He'll help for about a day and then revert back to his teenage ways. I didn't marry a teenager, I married a grown man! He reminds me so much of a teenager. He works but the second he leaves the office, he no longer has any responsibilities. It's so irritating. I'm at a point where I just don't know what to do any longer. I've tried being nice and not so nice and NOTHING works! I can only do so much but without help, we will never be fully happy in this marriage, it just won't happen. Sad, but true. And those of you reading thinking your marriage is perfect, the only difference in you and I is that I'm talking about my marital flaws, you are keeping yours to yourself. No marriage is perfect no matter who you are.
So anyways, I suppose our problems have contributed to the way I've been feeling lately. I don't even discuss these problems w/ anyone, not friends, not family, not even my own husband. I've learned the hard way that people could careless how you feel or what certain circumstances are going on in your life. So, I just keep things to myself and vent on my blog cuz after all this is my blog, and I feel as though I can put personal info on here and feel ok with it. Hopefully without judgment but you also know how that goes, the ones that don't want to be judged are usually the ones doing the most judging of everyone else.
Well, after getting so upset over this mess, I began thinking about my social life and all that has happened. When I began school, my social life took a real hit no matter how much I tried to maintain relationships, I was just too busy to. So now I only have one class but it takes up so much of my time. I hear my friends all the time saying they want to do lunch or do something but never try to make any plans. Well, they ask me my schedule and I tell them and never hear another word. Really, what does this mean exactly? I guess I began getting blue over not having many close friendships. The ones I did have went to crap because grown women can't take "sorry" and forgive someone. I can only say I'm sorry so much but I shouldn't have to apologize for my imperfections constantly because you don't see these people doing it. I know when I'm wrong but I'm only human! I make mistakes but I've tried to say I'm sorry and move on but the people I've met hold life long grudges. Most I don't care about but there have been a couple of friendships that I've missed. I'm just not like most I suppose, I don't throw away a good friendship over petty crap! I've seen my TEENAGE niece and her best friends get in arguments and work through every single one of them. They seem to argue pretty regularly. I'm thinking it's over boys but I'm not really sure. Anyways, they are TEENS and they are more mature than most women that I know. They at least work through their problems, that's more than I can say for most grown women I've met.
I got really sad today just thinking I needed some girl time but who am I really close to that I want to hang out with? No one really. Well, Sheila and Shayla and then my other 2 friends live in Ohio and Maryland. Sheila was working today cuz she called me earlier and was saying she was on the way to work and we talked a while and Shayla is in a relationship and they seem pretty busy so I didn't really want to bother them. I just got really down because I'm around Gabe most of the time and right now, I need some time away, some time to myself or with a good friend to have good girl chat about just anything. I miss those days where I could call a friend and vent if I wanted to about anything and vice verse. I ended up talking to Shayla and she knew I was having a rock bottom day and asked if we wanted to do something tomorrow night. Just the adults, me, Gabe, Shayla, Antonio, Clint, and Kami. I thought that sounded GREAT! She informed me that I've always got her and I should never feel this alone, feeling as though I have not a single friend in the world. Again, could be pregnancy hormones but then again, I may just be depressed for some reason. This isn't my usual bubbly self. Well, thankfully we have some plans tomorrow night, this is something I've really needed and I'm sure Gabe has as well. Gabe also lost a close friend a while back and I know (even though he has never told me) it bothers him. He needs a good friend as well. We all do! So speaking of being sad and the whole friend thing. Tommy caught me crying at some point and begged to know what was wrong and I told him that I never spend any time w/ my friends. He said I had lots of friends and began listing them and then told me bluntly how I never ask them to do anything. He was so right, I don't ask them. All along I've expected them to ask me but I never ask anyone to do anything. What a grown, smart little boy I have. I'll have to start asking others and see if that gets me out of the house some. :)
Another thing that has bothered me more than anything else is that I don't feel like I'm bonding w/ this baby. I know why, it's because I'm so afraid of losing it. I got to where when I had the 5th and 6th miscarriage, they didn't bother me as bad because I already expected it to happen. I guess I'm still waiting for this pregnancy to take a tragic turn. It's scary and this isn't something I've talked to anyone about either. I haven't told a soul because not a single person would understand. Maybe act like they do, but really they just don't. I'm anxiously waiting to feel that 1st kick. It's so frustrating because I don't really feel pregnant. Of course, I'm growing and have the hormones going on, but I can't feel the baby yet or know what the sex is. Maybe it's normal for most women to feel this way but it's really bothering me. I want to talk to the baby, not feel as though I'm going to lose it. It's scary and it's hard to get through each day not being able to express these feelings to anyone. I've just expressed things in the past and it has all flown back in my face. It comes down to a trust issue. Pretty sad eh? Another thing is the injections. As minor as that sounds, they hurt WAY more than they did and I'm bruising and knotting up where I administer them. I'm on the verge of tears now when it's time to take a shot. My stomach has bruises all across it, my hips and thighs have bruises and knots all over the place and there's not a single thing I can do about it. The needle isn't what hurts, it's the medication. It feels like someone is pinching me when the medication is going it. It just hurts so bad and I'm getting to the point where I fear taking them. Luckily I'll see my Dr. this upcoming week and we can discuss this and see if there is anything at all that they can suggest. Oh, speaking of the Dr., I still haven't gotten my lab results back. Well shoot, by the time I get them back, if I had Fifth Disease, it will be out of my system by then. They lady told me today it would take 7-10 days to get lab results. Since when? I don't think I've got it but it never hurts to double check. Obviously the Dr. doesn't seem to take this as serious as I do. When I see the midwife next week, I'm going to ask for my Dr. to be changed. He doesn't seem to take this pregnancy as a high risk at all which really bothers me. At least the midwives take every single thing seriously. It wasn't their nurse that ordered the lab, it was the Dr. so no wonder it's taking so long to get the results.
All I can say is that I'm so happy this week is over and I hope this moodiness goes away. I'm pretty happy most of the time but I can only take so much before things all hit me at once.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Daily Bible Quotes
Consider it all joy, my brethren, when you encounter various trials,
knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.
And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4
John 3:16
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.
And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing. James 1:2-4
John 3:16
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known. And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
~Ugh~
Well I know I'm updating a lot lately but after all, I don't keep an actual journal I write in, I prefer to type. It's so much easier. LOL. Plus, I don't know but a few people that even read my blog since it is no longer public on my FB page.
Anyways, so I feel like venting. If there is one thing that I can't stand it would be a new Phlebotomist or one that just doesn't know what she's doing. So I go to get the lab work today and I've never seen this lady before. Right off I knew she had to be new. I live at the lab so I know pretty much everyone there. She looks and looks for a vein and I told her specifically where one is. I could stick myself there and take my own labs if I needed to. You will NEVER miss the vein if you are any good. So she sticks me w/ the big needle instead of the butterfly needle AFTER I told her to use the butterfly needle. I told her that for a reason because clearly she had no clue what she was doing. Of course, she didn't hit the vein. At this point, I'm irritated because I don't enjoy getting stuck more than once not to mention there was a fan in there blowing right on me which was making me cold which in turn causes my veins to not be as visible. Then she says she wants to look at my hands. Are you kidding me? I've only had blood drawn from my hand once before and that was because the girl didn't know what she was doing either. So she sticks me and it hurt! I have a high tolerance for pain but this really hurt. It probably hurt because she wasn't even hitting a vein! So at this point I told her that if she sticks me again that I'll end up passed out cold on the floor. My hands were already sweating and I was freezing. She called the other girl in there and I told that girl where to stick me. The same place the 1st girl stuck me the first time. So she said there was an excellent vein there and took my lab. I wasn't happy at all! The lady that "attempted" to take my blood was extremely nice but that doesn't compensate for someone that has no clue what they are doing. Where do the labs get these people. I told the 2nd lady that I didn't want her ever sticking me again and she was telling me that the lady isn't that good and she doesn't expect her to be there much longer. Well, I sure hope not since I have a lab I have to get very often which means I'll be back in there soon. I was just glad it was over with. I don't mind getting labs drawn but at least let it be from someone that can take them and knows what they are doing. I plan on calling around my next Dr.'s appointment and talking to management. This isn't the 1st time I've been to a lab and got stuck multiple times due to the Phlebotomist has no clue what they are doing. Ok. So enough of my ranting. Just wanted to get that out there..HA!
Happier news that I forgot to mention earlier. I may have mentioned this in a previous post but I'm old, my memory isn't that good. LOL. My bestest bestest BESTEST friend, Stef., from High School just found me on classmates. I've looked for her for many years. She moved to Fl. when we were in HS and then to Maryland. I was SOOO happy when I got her message. We are trying to plan something where we can meet up soon. She was going to come down here within the next couple of weeks but her Grandmother fell and broke her jaw so they are taking care of her. I've missed her so much. We were inseparable in HS. She was a rocker chic back then and I remember us singing "High Enough" at the top of our lungs at my house. That was after I got my Kenwood stereo. Her parents were pretty strict or at least I thought so back then. They told her she couldn't listen to music in the mornings because it would take her too long to get ready and she'd be late for school. LOL. Gosh things were just so much easier back then. I LOVED her mom. She would always have homemade hot chocolate for me when I'd come to visit and had their Lab, Shiloh. I wish she still lived her cuz I've really missed her. She got me! Unlike most that just seem to think I'm either an emotional basket case or that I'm too abrasive. She knew that I'm just who I am plus, we just laughed over the craziest things and always had a good time. It was so sad when she moved so I'm EXTREMELY happy that she found me and now she's on FB and we talk just about every single day. I can't wait to plan a visit either me going there or her coming here. I know it will be a blast! She's planning on coming down for the shower which I hope she'll be able to. I can't wait to see her again and be our goofy selves.
Stefanie and her daughter, Ayla...this is them now.
The below pics are of me and Stef in HS at Devil Mountain and one that was of her and her boyfriend at the time.
st.
Anyways, so I feel like venting. If there is one thing that I can't stand it would be a new Phlebotomist or one that just doesn't know what she's doing. So I go to get the lab work today and I've never seen this lady before. Right off I knew she had to be new. I live at the lab so I know pretty much everyone there. She looks and looks for a vein and I told her specifically where one is. I could stick myself there and take my own labs if I needed to. You will NEVER miss the vein if you are any good. So she sticks me w/ the big needle instead of the butterfly needle AFTER I told her to use the butterfly needle. I told her that for a reason because clearly she had no clue what she was doing. Of course, she didn't hit the vein. At this point, I'm irritated because I don't enjoy getting stuck more than once not to mention there was a fan in there blowing right on me which was making me cold which in turn causes my veins to not be as visible. Then she says she wants to look at my hands. Are you kidding me? I've only had blood drawn from my hand once before and that was because the girl didn't know what she was doing either. So she sticks me and it hurt! I have a high tolerance for pain but this really hurt. It probably hurt because she wasn't even hitting a vein! So at this point I told her that if she sticks me again that I'll end up passed out cold on the floor. My hands were already sweating and I was freezing. She called the other girl in there and I told that girl where to stick me. The same place the 1st girl stuck me the first time. So she said there was an excellent vein there and took my lab. I wasn't happy at all! The lady that "attempted" to take my blood was extremely nice but that doesn't compensate for someone that has no clue what they are doing. Where do the labs get these people. I told the 2nd lady that I didn't want her ever sticking me again and she was telling me that the lady isn't that good and she doesn't expect her to be there much longer. Well, I sure hope not since I have a lab I have to get very often which means I'll be back in there soon. I was just glad it was over with. I don't mind getting labs drawn but at least let it be from someone that can take them and knows what they are doing. I plan on calling around my next Dr.'s appointment and talking to management. This isn't the 1st time I've been to a lab and got stuck multiple times due to the Phlebotomist has no clue what they are doing. Ok. So enough of my ranting. Just wanted to get that out there..HA!
Happier news that I forgot to mention earlier. I may have mentioned this in a previous post but I'm old, my memory isn't that good. LOL. My bestest bestest BESTEST friend, Stef., from High School just found me on classmates. I've looked for her for many years. She moved to Fl. when we were in HS and then to Maryland. I was SOOO happy when I got her message. We are trying to plan something where we can meet up soon. She was going to come down here within the next couple of weeks but her Grandmother fell and broke her jaw so they are taking care of her. I've missed her so much. We were inseparable in HS. She was a rocker chic back then and I remember us singing "High Enough" at the top of our lungs at my house. That was after I got my Kenwood stereo. Her parents were pretty strict or at least I thought so back then. They told her she couldn't listen to music in the mornings because it would take her too long to get ready and she'd be late for school. LOL. Gosh things were just so much easier back then. I LOVED her mom. She would always have homemade hot chocolate for me when I'd come to visit and had their Lab, Shiloh. I wish she still lived her cuz I've really missed her. She got me! Unlike most that just seem to think I'm either an emotional basket case or that I'm too abrasive. She knew that I'm just who I am plus, we just laughed over the craziest things and always had a good time. It was so sad when she moved so I'm EXTREMELY happy that she found me and now she's on FB and we talk just about every single day. I can't wait to plan a visit either me going there or her coming here. I know it will be a blast! She's planning on coming down for the shower which I hope she'll be able to. I can't wait to see her again and be our goofy selves.
The below pics are of me and Stef in HS at Devil Mountain and one that was of her and her boyfriend at the time.
~Quote of the day, and updates~
The LORD is gracious and compassionate, slow to anger and rich in love. The LORD is good to all; he has compassion on all he has made. Psalm 145: 8-9
So the past couple of days I've had some mild cramping. The past couple of weeks I've had headaches off and on and a little bit of a runny nose. Well, this wouldn't be such a concern if I wasn't such a high risk pregnancy but since the cramping was consistent over the past couple of days, I thought I would contact my Dr. this morning about this as well as some other concerns that I have.
Tommy came home yesterday saying that Fifth Disease was going around the school and that a little boy in his class has it but is no longer contagious. Ok, well how about the 2 weeks prior when he was highly contagious? This is a little boy that Tommy plays with on the playground about every single day.
I didn't want to get too worried so I emailed his teacher to see if this was true in which it was. I looked up Fifth Disease and pregnancy and there could be a possible risk even though it is small. Well, any risk is huge to me but I've had some of the same symptoms related to Fifth Disease such as a headache and mild cold like symptoms. Not sure if I've been running a fever but I haven't had any chills.
I talked to the nurse prior to class today and she said she would talk to the Dr. and find out what I should do from this point. Hopefully I've already been exposed to Fifth Disease when I was younger and am immune to it, if not, there's a chance I could either have it or contact it. The nurse called back and said the cramping is fine as long as it isn't accompanied by any bleeding or spotting so there are no worries there. They do want to do some blood work today just to make sure I don't have Fifth Disease. I will say that our family stays pretty healthy. We do a lot of natural things vs. taking meds. for every single thing so I am a true believer that this builds up our immune systems. We've been around a lot of illnesses over the years w/ children being sick at Tommy's school and seem to dodge them for the most part. It still concerns me so I would rather be safe than sorry. When going through CNA class, we learned all to well how to kill germs and how to prevent getting sick. I made Tommy wash his hands just as long as I did when it comes to killing germs per the regulation. Just sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star when washing your hands and you should be good. :) So hopefully Tommy has practiced good hand washing techniques as well as used his antibacterial hand gel. Praying that neither of us get sick even though in children it seems to be just fine and posses no real risk. Me on the other hand, it could pose a risk for the baby.
Poor little Tommy yesterday was so worried he may have gotten me sick. These things happen, it isn't anyone's fault if I am sick or get sick. It's just life and I'm pretty sure the baby will be just fine. Anyways, should know the results by tomorrow.
On a happier note, this chapter that I felt totally lost in, I just found out today that I made a 96 on my lab quiz so I only missed one!!!!! Yes, I know....YAY ME!!!!! This was a HUGE accomplishment. I must be much harder on myself than others because they have more confidence in me than I have in myself. I'm past the half way mark and am determined to get through this semester. I just think of Tommy and this baby and that is the only push I really need since after all, I'm doing this for my family. I'm still not really sure if I'll take the MAT161 online next semester. I know it would be the best time to take it since all of this material is still so fresh, however, I want to sleep and nest around my house. I don't want to be stressed out trying to do so well in school. BUT, yes there's a big BUT...if I go ahead and take it, I have no more pre-reqs so I can apply for the program. I REALLY REALLY want to get into nursing ASAP, however, I don't want to put our baby in daycare of any kind. It's just my preference and I don't knock those that have to because I know many parents don't have a choice. I just don't trust anyone well enough to leave my little baby with them. I don't even want to leave my baby w/ my mom but that's because she treats her WILD dog like a child and my fear is that she'll have her dog around the baby. I just know she will even if I was to say not to. So at this point, I haven't made my mind up as to what I want to do. I have a friend that just opened up a home daycare but I don't really like to mix friendship w/ business. I mean, what if there was something I didn't like, I don't want to ruin our friendship over it since I find the friendship WAY more important to risk it. But, as usual, we'll cross that bridge when it gets here.
Another exciting event coming up is getting a lot of remodeling work done to our house. We have a lot of wood work that needs to be replaced on the outside of the house so we're going to get that done, then get the house cleaned, prepped for paint, and get it painted. The color I want is called "Beach House Blue." I couldn't find a beach house blue at Lowe's but I did find one that just says Beach House and it seems to be the same color. After we get all of this done, I would like to get the doors re-done where the sliding glass doors are now. I want to get doors that open and close vs. a sliding glass door. Of course, this may take a couple of months to get done but it will get done and I'm so excited about it. Eventually we would like new carpet but may just clean it really good for now and put that off for a while. I'm hoping that once we get this all taken care of that we can begin our search for another place to live and put this house up for sale. Our ultimate goal is to get out of this neighborhood and move somewhere else. Not so sure about moving to Wilmington since we have this little one on the way and Gabe still hasn't found out if he will be able to work from home full time. If not Wilmington, then I would like somewhere out towards Denver. A big yard, wrap around porch, 2-story or a large ranch style house. Oh, and a must, fenced in yard as well as a garage. I don't believe I'm asking for too much since most homes already have a lot of these features. The ball in currently in motion to get all of the work done soon. We're all looking forward to the final outcome. :) Another thing exciting lately is that Gabe got a new car. He's been wanting a new car for quite some time but we've been putting it off. We still have the Blazer but plan on selling it. We don't have any use for 3 cars unless we just decide to put trips on the Blazer instead of the other 2 vehicle. I don't see this happening so I'm hoping we sell it soon. :)
We have all kinds of things happening and coming up that are so exciting. I just look forward to more exciting things to happen to our family. Now, if I could just wave my magic wand and Tommy's play room was cleaned out and already decorated. HA! That's the biggest project for all of us in this house.
Oh I did get addresses yesterday for the shower. Going through my friends, I was shocked at how many people I wanted to invite. Like I said, it doesn't come down to gifts, it comes down to just celebrating. The only thing that I would really like that cost a lot is a breast pump. Maybe they can go in on that and that be the main gift that I want. I mean, diapers also help but they aren't fun gifts. Anyone that has a diaper and wipes shower has a boring shower. LOL.....I just want to celebrate this little baby and share it with so many that have walked this journey w/ my family. We have so many wonderful people that have not only walked this journey w/ us but that are beside themselves excited for this baby! Every single day someone will ask me how the baby is doing. It makes this pregnancy so much more special to know that we have so many people waiting for this little baby's arrival. What a special little baby this will be. I just can't wait to put my finger in the baby's hand for the first time or give him/her a kiss on it's little button nose. It's truly going to be an exciting time for all of us and the excitement continues to grow. Tommy is SOOOO excited to have a sibling and that makes me so happy since he's been the only child for so long. It was a worry that I had that Tommy wouldn't be able to accept this but I suppose since he knows how much I've wanted another child for so long, he must have wanted a sibling for just as long. :) I still can't believe it's true! Ya know, I've felt flutters lately even though you shouldn't be able to really feel the baby til around the 17th-18th week. Maybe it's nerves of excitement but I think it's the baby. Very rarely do I feel them but I definitely feel them. I can't wait til I can feel them even stronger and then Tommy and Gabe can feel them also. We are going to get one of those heartbeat monitors but they say to wait until you are around 6 months. Ah, that's so long from now. I'm almost 15 weeks so 6 months seems like forever from now. :)
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
~Quote of the day~
This isn't a bible quote but it's a quote that I really liked.
~“People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, and redeemed; never throw out anyone.”~Audrey Hepburn
Monday, October 18, 2010
~New Tradition~
So everyday, or as often as possible, I will post a random bible quote or prayer. I just thought this would be something neat to do as well as building a stronger relationship w/ God. :)
The Lord's Prayer
Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy Kingdom come,
thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory. for ever and ever. Amen
hallowed be thy name.
Thy Kingdom come,
thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom, the power and the glory. for ever and ever. Amen
Also a quote I really liked-
God our Father, you do not judge us as our sins deserve, but show us infinite mercy. We give you thanks for the forgiveness of our sins, and we resolve with your help to forgive the failings of others. May we accept small injustices gracefully, and endure greater trials with patience, until the day when you will look into the hearts of all people, and judge each of us in truth.
~Updates~
So this weekend was pretty busy. Tommy had a soccer game and scored his very first goal of the season. They tied 4/4 so both teams did very well. YAY TOMMY!!!! I was so excited I'm sure the other mom's were wishing I would shut up since I was yelling YAY!!!! haha but I don't care, that's my baby. Afterward we went to Hodges Farm for the pumpkin patch. They have several different events and Tommy picked 2 pumpkins. Once we got home, I was pretty exhausted so I went to bed pretty early.
Sunday, we went to church. I REALLY liked this church but it isn't the typical church setting. It's a small church and very new so they are just now building up their congregation. Everyone was so welcoming and I would say just about the entire church came over and spoke to us. I talked to the Pastor's wife for a while. What a small world, she graduated from the same HS I did a few years before me. The Pastor is very young, only around 39. He's extremely friendly and tells great stories. I really wasn't sure what denomination it was but I was assuming it was Non Denominational so I asked the Pastor's wife. Yes, it is pretty much Non Denomination but goes under the blanket of Church of God. Gabe was totally out of his element. He basically curled up in a ball and hung his head the entire time. That was very upsetting to me since we are at church and all of the people were so welcoming. Shayla said her BF wouldn't come since he is Catholic. Well I look at it like this, if you are Catholic and want to complain about going to a church that practices a different religion, then why aren't you in a Catholic church every Sunday. I've heard it from Gabe and now Shayla is hearing it from her BF. I'm sorry but saying you are a certain religion but NEVER practicing it doesn't qualify you as being a certain religion. Just my opinion. I think it comes down to they just don't want to go to church. I'm not opposed to trying out a Catholic church but it is me that wants our family to join a church so if anything, we should decide as a family where we want to go. I really enjoyed the service this past Sunday, however, we are trying out a different church this coming up Sunday. I want to try out Sheila's church and see if Gabe likes that any better. Shayla and her boys will go to the same church we just visited. The boys LOVED it and Tommy wanted to go back but since we are church hunting, I want to leave our options open for now. After the church service, Nik talked to the band and they let him play a drum solo. See, that's what I'm saying, we felt so welcome, well except for Gabe. I've come to the conclusion that it's the devil speaking to Gabe not wanting him to go to a church. I believe every single church we visit, it's going to be the same thing w/ him. He's going to curl up in a ball and look miserable the entire time. That's a shame but I just know he'll come around. I am praying that we will agree on a church for our family pretty soon. The Pastor from the church we just visited sent me a friend request on FB. :) I would love more than anything to go back to that church but I want Gabe to be on board. I understand it was different to him as it was different to me. They played 3 songs in the beginning and I wouldn't say it was rock but it was a young/youth band and I thought it was great since it could bring in a lot of the younger people. The Pastor kept my interest because he told stories that related to the bible. Basically, he kept my interest the entire time. I can't see myself in a church where I'm about to fall asleep during a sermon. But, we'll keep on this journey and I just know we'll end up at a church that we both really like and my hopes are finding a church that Tommy loves. He doesn't want to try a different church, he enjoyed the one we just went to so I hope he feels the same way about the one we eventually decide on. That's very important to me. He's very excited and I asked him if he learned anything about God on Sunday and he said, "Yes, lots." That made me feel like we were in the right place but until Gabe feels the same way, we will continue looking. :)
So today I had a math quiz. I spent hours yesterday doing homework and trying to figure all this stuff out. I didn't think I had grasped a single concept but when I got the quiz today, there was only 2 out of 25 that I was worried about. If I had more time to do the problems, I just know I would have figured them out. If I get those wrong, that would still put me at a 92 which is excellent for a section I didn't feel confident in at all. They were a lot easier than I expected but it's the test I have to worry about which is coming up at the end of Oct. Since we are officially past the half way mark, I'm going to try my best to stick it out. I just know I can do this and I'm so ready to get past this semester. I was wanting to take the MAT 161 online next semester and then I'll be ready for the nursing program, but maybe I'll just take time to get the baby's room ready and get in some well needed sleep and worry about school at a later date. I won't be going into the nursing program anytime soon since I'll have a new little baby. I refuse to put my baby in daycare of any kind til he/she gets a little older, maybe around 2 or so. I know parents do it but if I have a choice, I'd rather stay at home w/ my little miracle for a while.
Speaking of the baby, I've had some cramping today. I felt some mild cramping right before the math quiz. I'm not too worried about it since this is to be expected around this time. I go back to the Dr. in less than 10 days. I shouldn't be getting an ultrasound on that visit unless they expect something wrong, we should only be doing a f/u visit and listening to the heartbeat. Like I've said before, after this visit, it's time to schedule the ultrasound where we get to see if it's a boy or a girl. I told Gabe that we should only tell our immediate family what the sex is and surprise our friends later on. Well, there are certain people that I will have to tell as soon as I know such as Sheila since she wants to knit a baby blanket. I have colors in mind for each room. If it's a boy, I want greens and blues. If' it's a girl, I want pinks and browns. We get more excited each day but it still doesn't feel so real to me. We are so ready to feel the baby moving around. It's hard to imagine there's a baby in there when you can't feel it. I still don't have a big appetite. I don't eat that much and most foods still turn my stomach. I really don't have any certain cravings. I haven't felt very good through this pregnancy and yesterday I felt sick all day then this morning, I was gagging like I was going to get sick. I was hoping by the 2nd trimester that I would begin to feel better but the only thing that has really changed is that I have more energy but not much. I remember when I was pregnant w/ Tommy I felt the best in my 3rd trimester, and wanted to eat like crazy. I'm sure that's coming w/ this pregnancy but I don't recall every feeling this bad when I was pregnant w/ him. Gabe said I did but I'm sure I would remember that. I know every pregnancy is different but I think some of the way I feel comes down to the Heparin injections. I think they make me feel bad and maybe more tired than usual. As much as I can't stand these injections, I'm so excited that there is something out there for women w/ APS so that they can have a healthy baby. I enjoy keeping track of our progress on my blog because I can look back and remember things we did and how I felt through the pregnancy. Plus, this is something Tommy and the baby can look back on when they are older. Tommy is still very excited and told me over the weekend that he thinks it's a girl. Ok, so now I'm the only one that thinks it's going to be a boy. I just know it's a boy but everyone else says it's a girl. Either way, I'll be just as happy as will Gabe and Tommy. We don't care what the sex is as long as we have a healthy baby, the sex is irrelevant.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
~Wait til you see my smile~
This song was on Grey's Anatomy season 6 episode 13. I absolutely love this song and can relate to it on so many levels. Sometimes you just have to smile when people speculate and say things they know nothing about. Like Alicia Keys said, people will try to tell you what to do and who to be and this song is for those strong enough to have their own mind and smile through it all. :)
Wait Til You See My Smile Lyrics
When the wind is blowing in your face
Sometimes in life you don't see straight
Pray to him
He will show
When your head is in a certain place
Nobody around to make you say
Stand strong and you will grow
Wait til you see my smile
Wait til they see your smile
Don't they love to see you down
Kick you while you're on the ground
Don't let emotions show
People always speculate
Don't let it get in your way
See they say things they don't know
Wait til you see my smile
Wait til they see your smile
Hey
So you're doing better now
Everybody comes around
But you don't really need them
Cause you're stronger
And you're better
And you're ready for whatever
Sing
Wait til you see my smile
Wait til they see your smile
Wait til you see my smile
Wait til they see your smile
Wait Til You See My Smile Lyrics
When the wind is blowing in your face
Sometimes in life you don't see straight
Pray to him
He will show
When your head is in a certain place
Nobody around to make you say
Stand strong and you will grow
Wait til you see my smile
Wait til they see your smile
Don't they love to see you down
Kick you while you're on the ground
Don't let emotions show
People always speculate
Don't let it get in your way
See they say things they don't know
Wait til you see my smile
Wait til they see your smile
Hey
So you're doing better now
Everybody comes around
But you don't really need them
Cause you're stronger
And you're better
And you're ready for whatever
Sing
Wait til you see my smile
Wait til they see your smile
Wait til you see my smile
Wait til they see your smile
~Dream and Religion~
So I'll start w/ my dream last night. I finally had a dream that I delivered our baby, and yes, it was a boy. He weighed 7 lbs, 3 ounces. It was a strange but good dream. This marks the very first dream that I've had that I actually delivered a healthy baby. All of my other dreams have been about losing the baby. This makes me feel better and I hope that if I should have dreams about the baby that they are all good. The only thing that was strange about the dream is that we jumped ahead in time and were asking the baby what name he liked. LOL. You know how dreams are, they jump around and sometimes don't make any sense. The only thing I could think of was that we've been going back and forth between boy names and still haven't came up w/ a name. I really like Matthew since the meaning means "gift from God" but we still aren't completely sure. In my dream, it was between Maddox, Asher, and Matthew. :) Oh and he liked all of them but in the dream we went w/ Asher. So this was my dream and I wanted to write about it before I forgot since it was a happy dream and our baby was beautiful. He had porcelain, beautiful skin and color and was just precious. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't worry how our baby is doing. I wish I didn't worry so much but I guess all that we've been through, it's understandable. I don't feel pregnant most of the time and reality hasn't hit me full force yet. I know it will when I can feel the baby moving. Oh yes, that was another thing about our dream. Before delivering, you could see the baby's foot when he would kick and Tommy thought that was the neatest thing ever. I have around 3-4 more weeks before I can feel the baby. That will be an exciting time. I know it will be for Tommy because I think he's like me and it just doesn't feel quite real yet. It's almost like I'm living in a dream and I'm waiting for someone to pinch me to wake me up. We just never saw this day coming so it's all very surreal. Anyways, I'm just so glad that I FINALLY had a good dream about bringing a healthy baby into this world instead of all the past bad ones that I've had.
So onto religion. Oh yes, I know, touchy subject. So I have thought about joining a church for a really long time now, actually for years but I could never get Gabe to go with me. So the other night I asked around to see some church suggestions because I think it's best to shop around to find the perfect fit for our family. What we are struggling with most is that Gabe has a Catholic background and I grew up in a Non Denominational church. I thought Gabe and I could meet in the middle and go to a Methodist church. I've heard that is pretty much a compromise between both or our religions. So of course I mention it to Gabe the other night that beginning Sunday, we are going church hunting. I was hoping we wouldn't argue about it but we did have a disagreement. Since Gabe's mom passed away, he has went away from believing in God! That really bothers me since I don't want to be married to a man that doesn't believe in God. When I met him, he believed in God and could tell you all about his religion since he grew up not only in a Catholic church but a private Catholic school. It's important to me to have some type of worship in our family and especially for Tommy and this new little baby on the way. I've sat around for years praying that Gabe would go w/ me to church but it was always going to a Catholic church or we just wouldn't go. How is that fair to me? I don't believe the same way Catholics do so I was willing to meet in the middle but Gabe wasn't. We all know how touchy the topic religion can be but I finally just decided this was a conversation that we HAD to have. My BF, Shayla is also looking for a good church and is going w/ me to do some hunting. I did express to Gabe that if me and the children are actively in church and he isn't, it will put a huge strain on our marriage. I just know that it will because I want to be a better person and can't stand the thought of being w/ someone that is just standing still in his life. It won't be an overnight change but I definitely think it will help us within our marriage and just relationships with others.
While we were disagreeing, he was telling me he didn't know what to believe. So we talked about his mom some. I wanted to let him know that people will tell you things happen for a reason and it was her time to go but I don't believe that. I believe it's certain circumstances that are the cause and effect. That God can't control everything. Meaning, his mom was sick, she passed away because of her sickness, not because God wanted her to. I just don't believe it when people say it was their time to go and that God basically made that decision. I suppose those words are comforting at times but then again, people get mad at God for their loved one passing away. It could go either way I suppose but I believe the disease killed his mother, not God. I believe Gabe blames God for his mom's passing but it was the disease that caused her death. I tried to explain my opinion to Gabe to let him know that we have a loving God, not a God that would do things to hurt us. I went through 6 miscarriages and believe me, there were plenty of times that I questioned God and even got so mad that I was cussing God about my losses but I know that he wasn't in control of what was happening. It was a different problem all the way around. I realized that God wasn't in control of the losses around probably the 5th or 6th loss. I knew that I shouldn't lessen my faith because I had questions. I should be in church building my relationship w/ God not questioning my faith. I've ALWAYS believed in God and have always tried to do the right thing. Of course, we all get side tracked at times but I seem to get back on track really fast. I have felt for a long time that our lives have went into a direction that I don't like. Gabe never seems happy or fulfilled and it makes me sad for him. I do believe the main reason is depression but I just know that me and him both need God in our lives. If anything, it can only make our lives better. I've went several times to church over the past few years w/ just me and Tommy. How does that help our marriage? I can't go to church and my husband doesn't. I did give Gabe an ultimatum and said that if he doesn't go that I don't know what direction our marriage will go in. I know it sounds horrible for me to do that, but Gabe is the type of person that you have to light a fire under him for him to do anything. This was the push he needed and he needed to know that I was not bluffing and I'm not. I want me and him both to look for a church together and finally find a church we can call our church home.
My friend Sheila goes to a Methodist church and has invited us there so we'll go there in a couple of weeks. I thought about her church before any other church mainly because I know her and several other people I went to school with that go there. It would be nice going to a church where we already know someone. I find it awkward going to a church not knowing a single person. I was going to Hickory Grove for a while but the church is just too big for me. I love Dr. Joe Brown but I can't go to a church where I'll never get to know the church family. I want to find a church that not only do we love, but which has a great children's program, and that isn't too huge or too small. I want a medium sized church where we can get to know the people that go there. I also know Sheila's family very well and they all attend this church. They are like my extended family so I could see us ending up at her church for sure. She has bragged about the programs for the children which makes me feel like I want to check it out even more.
The next day after Gabe and I talked about church, he called me and said I was right and he wanted to look for a church. This makes me SO happy. I just know this is what our family needs and it will be good for all of us. Tommy needs to know God and I want more than anything to raise my children in a church. I'm not opposed to trying a Catholic church but I'm pretty set on my beliefs and I DON'T believe in confessing your sins to a Priest. Catholic churches are the most beautiful churches but I've also heard so many horror stories about Priest's and little boys. I don't want to have to worry about that kinda thing. We are still up in the air but begin our hunt on Sunday. I'm so happy and I hope that Shayla will continue her hunt w/ us until she finds the right church for her family. This is opening a great chapter in our lives and I'm so excited about it. Before Sunday, I'm going to the Christian store to purchase Gabe his own bible. I think that will help him look forward to our mission. :)
So onto religion. Oh yes, I know, touchy subject. So I have thought about joining a church for a really long time now, actually for years but I could never get Gabe to go with me. So the other night I asked around to see some church suggestions because I think it's best to shop around to find the perfect fit for our family. What we are struggling with most is that Gabe has a Catholic background and I grew up in a Non Denominational church. I thought Gabe and I could meet in the middle and go to a Methodist church. I've heard that is pretty much a compromise between both or our religions. So of course I mention it to Gabe the other night that beginning Sunday, we are going church hunting. I was hoping we wouldn't argue about it but we did have a disagreement. Since Gabe's mom passed away, he has went away from believing in God! That really bothers me since I don't want to be married to a man that doesn't believe in God. When I met him, he believed in God and could tell you all about his religion since he grew up not only in a Catholic church but a private Catholic school. It's important to me to have some type of worship in our family and especially for Tommy and this new little baby on the way. I've sat around for years praying that Gabe would go w/ me to church but it was always going to a Catholic church or we just wouldn't go. How is that fair to me? I don't believe the same way Catholics do so I was willing to meet in the middle but Gabe wasn't. We all know how touchy the topic religion can be but I finally just decided this was a conversation that we HAD to have. My BF, Shayla is also looking for a good church and is going w/ me to do some hunting. I did express to Gabe that if me and the children are actively in church and he isn't, it will put a huge strain on our marriage. I just know that it will because I want to be a better person and can't stand the thought of being w/ someone that is just standing still in his life. It won't be an overnight change but I definitely think it will help us within our marriage and just relationships with others.
While we were disagreeing, he was telling me he didn't know what to believe. So we talked about his mom some. I wanted to let him know that people will tell you things happen for a reason and it was her time to go but I don't believe that. I believe it's certain circumstances that are the cause and effect. That God can't control everything. Meaning, his mom was sick, she passed away because of her sickness, not because God wanted her to. I just don't believe it when people say it was their time to go and that God basically made that decision. I suppose those words are comforting at times but then again, people get mad at God for their loved one passing away. It could go either way I suppose but I believe the disease killed his mother, not God. I believe Gabe blames God for his mom's passing but it was the disease that caused her death. I tried to explain my opinion to Gabe to let him know that we have a loving God, not a God that would do things to hurt us. I went through 6 miscarriages and believe me, there were plenty of times that I questioned God and even got so mad that I was cussing God about my losses but I know that he wasn't in control of what was happening. It was a different problem all the way around. I realized that God wasn't in control of the losses around probably the 5th or 6th loss. I knew that I shouldn't lessen my faith because I had questions. I should be in church building my relationship w/ God not questioning my faith. I've ALWAYS believed in God and have always tried to do the right thing. Of course, we all get side tracked at times but I seem to get back on track really fast. I have felt for a long time that our lives have went into a direction that I don't like. Gabe never seems happy or fulfilled and it makes me sad for him. I do believe the main reason is depression but I just know that me and him both need God in our lives. If anything, it can only make our lives better. I've went several times to church over the past few years w/ just me and Tommy. How does that help our marriage? I can't go to church and my husband doesn't. I did give Gabe an ultimatum and said that if he doesn't go that I don't know what direction our marriage will go in. I know it sounds horrible for me to do that, but Gabe is the type of person that you have to light a fire under him for him to do anything. This was the push he needed and he needed to know that I was not bluffing and I'm not. I want me and him both to look for a church together and finally find a church we can call our church home.
My friend Sheila goes to a Methodist church and has invited us there so we'll go there in a couple of weeks. I thought about her church before any other church mainly because I know her and several other people I went to school with that go there. It would be nice going to a church where we already know someone. I find it awkward going to a church not knowing a single person. I was going to Hickory Grove for a while but the church is just too big for me. I love Dr. Joe Brown but I can't go to a church where I'll never get to know the church family. I want to find a church that not only do we love, but which has a great children's program, and that isn't too huge or too small. I want a medium sized church where we can get to know the people that go there. I also know Sheila's family very well and they all attend this church. They are like my extended family so I could see us ending up at her church for sure. She has bragged about the programs for the children which makes me feel like I want to check it out even more.
The next day after Gabe and I talked about church, he called me and said I was right and he wanted to look for a church. This makes me SO happy. I just know this is what our family needs and it will be good for all of us. Tommy needs to know God and I want more than anything to raise my children in a church. I'm not opposed to trying a Catholic church but I'm pretty set on my beliefs and I DON'T believe in confessing your sins to a Priest. Catholic churches are the most beautiful churches but I've also heard so many horror stories about Priest's and little boys. I don't want to have to worry about that kinda thing. We are still up in the air but begin our hunt on Sunday. I'm so happy and I hope that Shayla will continue her hunt w/ us until she finds the right church for her family. This is opening a great chapter in our lives and I'm so excited about it. Before Sunday, I'm going to the Christian store to purchase Gabe his own bible. I think that will help him look forward to our mission. :)
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