~Dream and Religion~

So I'll start w/ my dream last night. I finally had a dream that I delivered our baby, and yes, it was a boy. He weighed 7 lbs, 3 ounces. It was a strange but good dream. This marks the very first dream that I've had that I actually delivered a healthy baby. All of my other dreams have been about losing the baby. This makes me feel better and I hope that if I should have dreams about the baby that they are all good. The only thing that was strange about the dream is that we jumped ahead in time and were asking the baby what name he liked. LOL. You know how dreams are, they jump around and sometimes don't make any sense. The only thing I could think of was that we've been going back and forth between boy names and still haven't came up w/ a name. I really like Matthew since the meaning means "gift from God" but we still aren't completely sure. In my dream, it was between Maddox, Asher, and Matthew. :) Oh and he liked all of them but in the dream we went w/ Asher. So this was my dream and I wanted to write about it before I forgot since it was a happy dream and our baby was beautiful. He had porcelain, beautiful skin and color and was just precious. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't worry how our baby is doing. I wish I didn't worry so much but I guess all that we've been through, it's understandable. I don't feel pregnant most of the time and reality hasn't hit me full force yet. I know it will when I can feel the baby moving. Oh yes, that was another thing about our dream. Before delivering, you could see the baby's foot when he would kick and Tommy thought that was the neatest thing ever. I have around 3-4 more weeks before I can feel the baby. That will be an exciting time. I know it will be for Tommy because I think he's like me and it just doesn't feel quite real yet. It's almost like I'm living in a dream and I'm waiting for someone to pinch me to wake me up. We just never saw this day coming so it's all very surreal. Anyways, I'm just so glad that I FINALLY had a good dream about bringing a healthy baby into this world instead of all the past bad ones that I've had.

So onto religion. Oh yes, I know, touchy subject. So I have thought about joining a church for a really long time now, actually for years but I could never get Gabe to go with me. So the other night I asked around to see some church suggestions because I think it's best to shop around to find the perfect fit for our family. What we are struggling with most is that Gabe has a Catholic background and I grew up in a Non Denominational church. I thought Gabe and I could meet in the middle and go to a Methodist church. I've heard that is pretty much a compromise between both or our religions. So of course I mention it to Gabe the other night that beginning Sunday, we are going church hunting. I was hoping we wouldn't argue about it but we did have a disagreement. Since Gabe's mom passed away, he has went away from believing in God! That really bothers me since I don't want to be married to a man that doesn't believe in God. When I met him, he believed in God and could tell you all about his religion since he grew up not only in a Catholic church but a private Catholic school. It's important to me to have some type of worship in our family and especially for Tommy and this new little baby on the way. I've sat around for years praying that Gabe would go w/ me to church but it was always going to a Catholic church or we just wouldn't go. How is that fair to me? I don't believe the same way Catholics do so I was willing to meet in the middle but Gabe wasn't. We all know how touchy the topic religion can be but I finally just decided this was a conversation that we HAD to have. My BF, Shayla is also looking for a good church and is going w/ me to do some hunting. I did express to Gabe that if me and the children are actively in church and he isn't, it will put a huge strain on our marriage. I just know that it will because I want to be a better person and can't stand the thought of being w/ someone that is just standing still in his life. It won't be an overnight change but I definitely think it will help us within our marriage and just relationships with others.

While we were disagreeing, he was telling me he didn't know what to believe. So we talked about his mom some. I wanted to let him know that people will tell you things happen for a reason and it was her time to go but I don't believe that. I believe it's certain circumstances that are the cause and effect. That God can't control everything. Meaning, his mom was sick, she passed away because of her sickness, not because God wanted her to. I just don't believe it when people say it was their time to go and that God basically made that decision. I suppose those words are comforting at times but then again, people get mad at God for their loved one passing away. It could go either way I suppose but I believe the disease killed his mother, not God. I believe Gabe blames God for his mom's passing but it was the disease that caused her death. I tried to explain my opinion to Gabe to let him know that we have a loving God, not a God that would do things to hurt us. I went through 6 miscarriages and believe me, there were plenty of times that I questioned God and even got so mad that I was cussing God about my losses but I know that he wasn't in control of what was happening. It was a different problem all the way around. I realized that God wasn't in control of the losses around probably the 5th or 6th loss. I knew that I shouldn't lessen my faith because I had questions. I should be in church building my relationship w/ God not questioning my faith. I've ALWAYS believed in God and have always tried to do the right thing. Of course, we all get side tracked at times but I seem to get back on track really fast. I have felt for a long time that our lives have went into a direction that I don't like. Gabe never seems happy or fulfilled and it makes me sad for him. I do believe the main reason is depression but I just know that me and him both need God in our lives. If anything, it can only make our lives better. I've went several times to church over the past few years w/ just me and Tommy. How does that help our marriage? I can't go to church and my husband doesn't. I did give Gabe an ultimatum and said that if he doesn't go that I don't know what direction our marriage will go in. I know it sounds horrible for me to do that, but Gabe is the type of person that you have to light a fire under him for him to do anything. This was the push he needed and he needed to know that I was not bluffing and I'm not. I want me and him both to look for a church together and finally find a church we can call our church home.

My friend Sheila goes to a Methodist church and has invited us there so we'll go there in a couple of weeks. I thought about her church before any other church mainly because I know her and several other people I went to school with that go there. It would be nice going to a church where we already know someone. I find it awkward going to a church not knowing a single person. I was going to Hickory Grove for a while but the church is just too big for me. I love Dr. Joe Brown but I can't go to a church where I'll never get to know the church family. I want to find a church that not only do we love, but which has a great children's program, and that isn't too huge or too small. I want a medium sized church where we can get to know the people that go there. I also know Sheila's family very well and they all attend this church. They are like my extended family so I could see us ending up at her church for sure. She has bragged about the programs for the children which makes me feel like I want to check it out even more.

The next day after Gabe and I talked about church, he called me and said I was right and he wanted to look for a church. This makes me SO happy. I just know this is what our family needs and it will be good for all of us. Tommy needs to know God and I want more than anything to raise my children in a church. I'm not opposed to trying a Catholic church but I'm pretty set on my beliefs and I DON'T believe in confessing your sins to a Priest. Catholic churches are the most beautiful churches but I've also heard so many horror stories about Priest's and little boys. I don't want to have to worry about that kinda thing. We are still up in the air but begin our hunt on Sunday. I'm so happy and I hope that Shayla will continue her hunt w/ us until she finds the right church for her family. This is opening a great chapter in our lives and I'm so excited about it. Before Sunday, I'm going to the Christian store to purchase Gabe his own bible. I think that will help him look forward to our mission. :)