I have been on one hell of a ride for the past couple of weeks. Gabe and I made the decision that we wanted to try for another baby. We tried only once and wah lah, I got a positive pregnancy test on Aug. 13th.
As happy as we were, something didn't feel right from the beginning. I was extremely emotional and cried A LOT. I even called my mom over the weekend once everyone went to bed and cried like the biggest baby. I wasn't sure what was going on but I did know something felt abnormal. I didn't recall feeling this way with either of my boys, I only felt this way when I MC. That's the only time I really took such an emotional downward spiral. I should be happy, what is wrong with me?!? Was I nervous about having 3 children, 1 of which would be a toddler and the other a newborn?!? I couldn't figure it out, all I knew was that I felt really really sad, I even cried because I was missing the beach. Ummm, I've cried when leaving the beach but not usually once I'm home. The beach IS my happy spot. It takes away all of my stresses and at the time of my phone call to my mom, I was stressing.
She seemed to be down as well so I thought, well maybe it's just something in the air, maybe it's summer coming to an end, maybe it's that I have a now 5th grader, maybe it's because Matthew is growing so quickly, maybe it's because I wanted to do more on our trips to the beach this year etc. etc. etc. I thought of a gazillion reasons I felt down and then it hit me, something is wrong w/ this pregnancy. I had been cramping from the beginning. I know this can be normal, but this wasn't. I never take pain meds for anything and I could have taken something for this pain.
I called my Dr. on Aug. 17th to let them know our happy news. She asked had I gotten blood work done to confirm the pregnancy, I said no. So I went Monday, Aug. 20th to get labs. They took several different labs to check everything and make sure everything was ok. I had began spotting, either that morning or the day before and was worried sick. I knew they would call w/ bad news. They called to say my Hcg level was a 44. That's not very high for where I needed to be so they wanted to re-check my Hcg and also check my progesterone on Wednesday. They called to say my Hcg was at a 72 and my progesterone was at a 6. Both still low. At this point they put me on 81 mg Aspirin, Heparin 2x's a day and Crinone 8%. Of course they wanted to re-check both today. I gave the nurse Gabe's number because I just get tired of hearing bad news and I feel as though he conveys it better to me and if I cry, it's ok.
The nurse contacted Gabe and said my Hcg had went down and to stop all medications. I go back on the 31st for more labs and to schedule an appointment w/ my RE.
I had Matthew so maybe he can try the same treatment plan to see if that works. I really would love to have one more but if not, I'm perfectly content w/my 2 sweet angels. If I don't have a 3rd, it just wasn't meant to be. I don't want to go down a road of heartache and struggling, I want to enjoy my time w/ the 2 that I have.
I've had such wonderful support and so many reaching out to me during this time.It has kept my spirits up just knowing that I have people that care. I had many messages from friends, phone calls and texts. It's always great to have those who pick you up.
I'm staying positive and haven't cried that much. Mainly because I felt as though something was wrong from the beginning. I figured if I kept struggling to carry this baby that it may have something wrong with it or maybe I'd lose it later down the road. I want a healthy pregnancy, not one that starts off like this.
I said the positives are that I can have a strong drink, all the caffeine that I want and Gabe can massage my feet. This is trying to see the light during a difficult time.
God knows best and I'll leave it in his hands.
~The foundation of who I am today~
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Friday, August 24, 2012
Saturday, August 18, 2012
Summer's almost over :'(
Wow, it's been forever since I've updated my blog. Finding the time is ridiculously difficult.
Matthew is growing like a weed. He's 16 months and is such a hoot. He is beginning to copy my facial expressions and it's hilarious! He says dada, mama, and really tries hard to say Tommy. He does know how to tell me when he's hungry by his sign language. He puts his tiny hand to his mouth, that means he's hungry. It's actually the only sign language I've taught him but whatever, he's a fast learner. He runs all over the place and is now climbing on every single thing and trying to jump. He keeps me on my toes. Matthew eats pretty much what we do and doesn't like to be fed, his preference is to feed himself. He has been off the bottle for quite a while now, at least over a month. I've been really bad about nursing him when I had just about weened him in May. I now nurse pretty much whenever he wants but I really need to start weening him since it seems to get more difficult trying to get him off the "boob".
Tommy is an excellent big brother but still has some jealousy issues. My heart breaks for Tommy because he seems to be struggling with some anger issues, especially with other children. I don't want him to have that kind of life, not having many friends because he's so head strong. He's very similar to me and reminds me a lot of myself growing up. I wasn't a bully but I was the Alpha. I wanted to be the leader and still have some of those tendencies. I always want to be in control because if not, I feel as though my world is spiraling out of control and I just know he feels the same way. Even though head strong, he has the purest heart and is extremely sensitive, still doesn't like to see me upset. I just LOVE that boy! He's my sweet boy though, still loves his momma to death. We still have such a strong bond no matter what.
We've had a pretty crazy summer. We went to the beach a total of 3 weeks. Two of the weeks, Gabe went down with us, one week it was just my mom, myself and the boys, that was a difficult week but we made it work. We didn't get to do much when Gabe wasn't down except swim since I didn't feel comfortable being on the beach chasing Matthew and looking after Tommy. Tommy did get to take his best friend Nick on our last trip. They got along really well until the end of the week. Tommy would get so bossy. It made the vacation a little stressful but Nick is my other son, he didn't pay Tommy any attention and still loves him to death. That's real friendship, when you can see the bad/ugly and still want to be friends because no matter what, the pros outweigh the cons. We didn't get to do as much this summer as I would've liked. My sister didn't bring the kiddos into town so it was me, Tommy and Matthew every single day. We stayed home A LOT! We did get to Carowinds a few times. Otherwise, Tommy just played w/ the neighborhood kids while I entertained Matthew.
I've been an emotional wreck lately, crying here and there for sometimes no reason at all. I cried every time we left the beach. Mainly because I knew summer was coming to an end, school was about to begin and Gabe had to go back to work and I miss him when he's not here. Plus, I feel bad for Tommy, I think his summer has been pretty boring so we need more time before school begins. And also, because the beach is like my second home. It's my happy spot. I even cried once I got home just missing being there with everyone. Time really does go by WAY too fast :(
As for Tommy and I, we both are starting school. I began my MAT161 class last week and Tommy begins 5th grade on Aug. 22nd. WOW...a 5th grader!!!! My gosh, I still remember holding his tiny little hand walking him into Kindergarten. Just another thing to add to my emotional list, just wishing time would slow down. (I actually cry over this a lot).
Other than our crazy emotions, even though school is beginning and summer is coming to an end, I'm looking forward to fall, pumpkins, Halloween and Christmas (which is my favorite holiday), then we can start looking forward to the summer again. I've determined I need to live somewhere like Florida because I could careless for the winter unless it's snowing.
This was our summer in a nut shell....I really need to get better about updating my blog :)
Matthew is growing like a weed. He's 16 months and is such a hoot. He is beginning to copy my facial expressions and it's hilarious! He says dada, mama, and really tries hard to say Tommy. He does know how to tell me when he's hungry by his sign language. He puts his tiny hand to his mouth, that means he's hungry. It's actually the only sign language I've taught him but whatever, he's a fast learner. He runs all over the place and is now climbing on every single thing and trying to jump. He keeps me on my toes. Matthew eats pretty much what we do and doesn't like to be fed, his preference is to feed himself. He has been off the bottle for quite a while now, at least over a month. I've been really bad about nursing him when I had just about weened him in May. I now nurse pretty much whenever he wants but I really need to start weening him since it seems to get more difficult trying to get him off the "boob".
Tommy is an excellent big brother but still has some jealousy issues. My heart breaks for Tommy because he seems to be struggling with some anger issues, especially with other children. I don't want him to have that kind of life, not having many friends because he's so head strong. He's very similar to me and reminds me a lot of myself growing up. I wasn't a bully but I was the Alpha. I wanted to be the leader and still have some of those tendencies. I always want to be in control because if not, I feel as though my world is spiraling out of control and I just know he feels the same way. Even though head strong, he has the purest heart and is extremely sensitive, still doesn't like to see me upset. I just LOVE that boy! He's my sweet boy though, still loves his momma to death. We still have such a strong bond no matter what.
We've had a pretty crazy summer. We went to the beach a total of 3 weeks. Two of the weeks, Gabe went down with us, one week it was just my mom, myself and the boys, that was a difficult week but we made it work. We didn't get to do much when Gabe wasn't down except swim since I didn't feel comfortable being on the beach chasing Matthew and looking after Tommy. Tommy did get to take his best friend Nick on our last trip. They got along really well until the end of the week. Tommy would get so bossy. It made the vacation a little stressful but Nick is my other son, he didn't pay Tommy any attention and still loves him to death. That's real friendship, when you can see the bad/ugly and still want to be friends because no matter what, the pros outweigh the cons. We didn't get to do as much this summer as I would've liked. My sister didn't bring the kiddos into town so it was me, Tommy and Matthew every single day. We stayed home A LOT! We did get to Carowinds a few times. Otherwise, Tommy just played w/ the neighborhood kids while I entertained Matthew.
I've been an emotional wreck lately, crying here and there for sometimes no reason at all. I cried every time we left the beach. Mainly because I knew summer was coming to an end, school was about to begin and Gabe had to go back to work and I miss him when he's not here. Plus, I feel bad for Tommy, I think his summer has been pretty boring so we need more time before school begins. And also, because the beach is like my second home. It's my happy spot. I even cried once I got home just missing being there with everyone. Time really does go by WAY too fast :(
As for Tommy and I, we both are starting school. I began my MAT161 class last week and Tommy begins 5th grade on Aug. 22nd. WOW...a 5th grader!!!! My gosh, I still remember holding his tiny little hand walking him into Kindergarten. Just another thing to add to my emotional list, just wishing time would slow down. (I actually cry over this a lot).
Other than our crazy emotions, even though school is beginning and summer is coming to an end, I'm looking forward to fall, pumpkins, Halloween and Christmas (which is my favorite holiday), then we can start looking forward to the summer again. I've determined I need to live somewhere like Florida because I could careless for the winter unless it's snowing.
This was our summer in a nut shell....I really need to get better about updating my blog :)
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