~What a ride!

I have been on one hell of a ride for the past couple of weeks. Gabe and I made the decision that we wanted to try for another baby. We tried only once and wah lah, I got a positive pregnancy test on Aug. 13th.

As happy as we were, something didn't feel right from the beginning. I was extremely emotional and cried A LOT. I even called my mom over the weekend once everyone went to bed and cried like the biggest baby. I wasn't sure what was going on but I did know something felt abnormal. I didn't recall feeling this way with either of my boys, I only felt this way when I MC. That's the only time I really took such an emotional downward spiral. I should be happy, what is wrong with me?!? Was I nervous about having 3 children, 1 of which would be a toddler and the other a newborn?!? I couldn't figure it out, all I knew was that I felt really really sad, I even cried because I was missing the beach. Ummm, I've cried when leaving the beach but not usually once I'm home. The beach IS my happy spot. It takes away all of my stresses and at the time of my phone call to my mom, I was stressing.

She seemed to be down as well so I thought, well maybe it's just something in the air, maybe it's summer coming to an end, maybe it's that I have a now 5th grader, maybe it's because Matthew is growing so quickly, maybe it's because I wanted to do more on our trips to the beach this year etc. etc. etc. I thought of a gazillion reasons I felt down and then it hit me, something is wrong w/ this pregnancy. I had been cramping from the beginning. I know this can be normal, but this wasn't. I never take pain meds for anything and I could have taken something for this pain.

I called my Dr. on Aug. 17th to let them know our happy news. She asked had I gotten blood work done to confirm the pregnancy, I said no. So I went Monday, Aug. 20th to get labs. They took several different labs to check everything and make sure everything was ok. I had began spotting, either that morning or the day before and was worried sick. I knew they would call w/ bad news. They called to say my Hcg level was a 44. That's not very high for where I needed to be so they wanted to re-check my Hcg and also check my progesterone on Wednesday. They called to say my Hcg was at a 72 and my progesterone was at a 6. Both still low. At this point they put me on 81 mg Aspirin, Heparin 2x's a day and Crinone 8%. Of course they wanted to re-check both today. I gave the nurse Gabe's number because I just get tired of hearing bad news and I feel as though he conveys it better to me and if I cry, it's ok.

The nurse contacted Gabe and said my Hcg had went down and to stop all medications. I go back on the 31st for more labs and to schedule an appointment w/ my RE.

I had Matthew so maybe he can try the same treatment plan to see if that works. I really would love to have one more but if not, I'm perfectly content w/my 2 sweet angels. If I don't have a 3rd, it just wasn't meant to be. I don't want to go down a road of heartache and struggling, I want to enjoy my time w/ the 2 that I have.

I've had such wonderful support and so many reaching out to me during this time.It has kept my spirits up just knowing that I have people that care. I had many messages from friends, phone calls and texts. It's always great to have those who pick you up.

I'm staying positive and haven't cried that much. Mainly because I felt as though something was wrong from the beginning. I figured if I kept struggling to carry this baby that it may have something wrong with it or maybe I'd lose it later down the road. I want a healthy pregnancy, not one that starts off like this.

I said the positives are that I can have a strong drink, all the caffeine that I want and Gabe can massage my feet. This is trying to see the light during a difficult time.

God knows best and I'll leave it in his hands.