So who do I talk to about trying again? Who do I lean on if we should suffer another loss yet again? I haven't even told one person in my family, nor have I told any people that I talk to pretty regularly. The only people that I have even uttered a word to are the ones in my CNA class. I'm not emotionally attached to any of them at this moment and we only have 2 more weeks together. After that, we may keep in touch but I doubt it will be a lot since we won't get to spend time together in class any longer. Any bonds that have formed during the CNA class will more than likely slowly fade away. Sad, but the reality is that we won't spend hours together on a daily basis any longer. I'll be back to spending most of my available time on studying, going up to my son's school to help when I can, and trying for another baby.
Part of me is scared again to battle these emotions alone, scared that I will push people away AGAIN. I'm not sure what I did so wrong or what is wrong w/ me that people can't seem to stick around when I need them the most. I have no one but my husband and to be honest, he really just doesn't understand. He can't relate to a woman's emotions the same way another woman can. I've tried to talk to him in the past but even he has made me feel stupid or as though something is wrong with me for grieving. I don't believe it is intentional on his part, but more that he doesn't share the same grief or there again, share hormones that women do. He brushes it off as though nothing ever happened. He doesn't have the deep depression and sadness that I do after a loss. I think he is sad, but definitely not on the same level as I am. So who do I turn to if we suffer another loss, or for that matter, just to talk about trying again and who to talk to when and if we conceive and the worry I will feel during the pregnancy? I truly have no one! I'm not throwing a pity party for myself even though I would be within my rights of doing so, but more venting about the self absorbed, self consumed assholes that claimed to have been friends or good family members in the first place!
These are the people that I turned to when I was in my darkest moments The ones that I trusted to help me through these, to help ease my pain, instead, they only made it 10 x's worse by walking away. Not only did I have to deal with the emotions of having 4 MC's, I had to deal with the loss of my family and friends. So then I had to take on an even larger problem...isolation. I feel as though I have to mask who I really am when all I really want is someone to talk to when I'm feeling blue. For example: If I get upset w/ my husband and he asks what's wrong, I tell him a lie and sometimes even make up why I am mad instead of telling him the truth is that I'm upset because I am still dealing with the emotions from my losses. I am not big on lying at all, but that is what I have to do these days in order to salvage any of my relationships. I can't bring myself to tell the truth about my grief. I feel stupid and silly when expressing how sad I am to anyone, even those that aren't close to me. When meeting new people, I may bring up the MC's but I don't talk about the emotions I feel behind them. I have to "act" as though I'm ok and that I'm "strong." It all catches up with me eventually and I do nothing but sob behind closed doors and if I'm caught crying, I never say it is because of the MC's. How awful is that? In a way, I feel sorry for myself. I suppose because I would feel sorry for anyone that has to live a life in shame over their grief or suffering. Someone that has to hide from their own emotions! How could anyone make someone else feel stupid over their pain? What kind of people do this?
To this day, I have never dealt with my grief in a healthy way. I hide from everyone when I'm sad or angry because I feel abnormal for feeling these emotions from time to time. People are so cruel! I have learned to love my son and my dogs more than anyone in this world. Sadly, I depend on them to make my days brighter since both have unconditional love and understanding. My son is only 7 and has taken on the burden of my sadness. He has never once walked away from me when I am upset, instead he puts his little arm around my neck, sits on my lap, asks me what's wrong, and tells me that he loves me. He has even taken is little hand across my cheek to dry up my tears. He sits quietly and listens to me explain that I'm ok, just having a sad moment. If a 7 year old can sit quietly and listen to you, why can't an adult? He is interested in how I'm feeling and will listen to me as long as I need to talk. He comforts me more than anyone ever has and tries his best to cheer me up. He is aware that we have 4 angels in heaven but even when I say mommy's sad over something else, he isn't fooled. He knows the majority of the time when I have hit that type of sadness, that it is over our losses. He may not bring them up and "pretends" to go along w/ my lie if I say mommy is sad over something else, but he knows the truth. My son is the joy of my life! He is the ONLY one that can make me smile during these difficult times. He expresses his love for me and has no fear when tackling my tears. I always thought it was the mom that dried up their children's tears. :-) He should never have to carry this weight, but he does with such strength and love.
He doesn't have a clue that we are wanting to try again. I just don't want him taking on any more of my emotions or stresses. Trying isn't the funnest thing in the world. It is stressful and having 2 pink lines is exciting but more scary than anything.
I didn't mean to get off on a ramble but I found another link on what to and not to do. When reading it, I just cried thinking of how many people that I loved and cherished walked out of my life due to my misfortunes. I also thought about how when they chose to walk out, they did it permanently. One statement in this blog touched on that. I hope eventually I won't constantly talk about the miscarriages but the truth is, this is all I have thought about lately and my piss poor friendships that have went sour. There are days where I just want to slap these people in the face and see if they would wake up to reality, the world doesn't revolve around them, it revolves around many and it's time to "grow up" and face uncomfortable moments. Stop putting yourself on the pedestal for one day and think about others that are going through hard times. Show some compassion!!! I have been surrounded by nothing but heartless people, however, these are the same people that call you up when they are having a bad f-king day and expect you to put all your problems aside so that you can be there for them! And I use to be that person, but not these days. I don't care anymore about their pains and many times, sadly, I have almost wished them heartache so when they call me up and "need" someone to help them through, I won't be that person!
I also wanted to say that it isn't abnormal to feel uncomfortable around someone that has suffered a loss, but you have to figure out a way to get past that. It isn't uncomfortable for the one that has suffered the loss to talk to a friend about it. It is more comforting than anything that they are willing to put themselves out there for your emotions. No one wants to burden anyone with their struggles, we just want people that are willing to listen without judgment and that will dig deep for the strength not to shut the door and walk away because the conversation isn't the "ideal" topic. When these people choose to walk away, they have ultimately walked away for good. Someone that is grieving will more than likely never let those people in their lives again and if they do, they won't let them get close to them on an emotional level. I can't find it in me to allow the people that have walked away another chance. I don't feel as though they deserve it and sharing any emotion with them is out of the question. Sharing any aspect of my life is no longer an option.
The blog I found of interest is
GRIEF SUPPORT 101: How to Help a Bereaved Friend or Loved One
http://opentohopepregnancyloss.com/pregnancy-loss/pregnancy-loss/grief-support-101-how-to-help-a-bereaved-friend-or-loved-one/
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