A pretty good day

Well, my day began bright and early! I not only had a CNA test but also an A&P quiz. I made a 96% on the CNA quiz, and currently my average in the class is at a 96% which includes all tests along w/ homework. Oh but the A&P! I made a 76% on that f-d up quiz. I hate that woman's quizzes. She is just crazy! Since paying for the class, this professor has yet to "teach" us anything. Every single time I think about A&P, I am instantly in a bad mood and get a bad headache. The class is an online course. I know right? I'm insane for EVER taking it online but this is my 4th online class so I am aware of the process. I realize it is online, but we haven't even gotten the smallest additive such as lecture notes. We haven't gotten a thing! NOTHING, ZIP, NADDA! I mean NOTHING! What in the world did my tuition go towards, a few online tests/quizzes and a shitty professor? So I've learned my lesson, no more online A&P for me. Next semester, if I even pass this class, I will take BIO 169 on campus. I guess I really shouldn't complain all that much about the quiz. Currently, that is the only C I have made in that class or since I have began college in January. I have actually done fairly well considering the circumstances in her class. I made a 100 on the last quiz and A's and B's on everything else. Mainly A's so I'm hoping the quiz grade doesn't weigh much. Would be nice to at least pass w/ a B even though all the frickin' time I've put into studying and effort should receive an A! 

So enough of my whining. Now that I have vented those frustrations! LOL. Like I said, today was a pretty good day. Woke up, went to CNA, had lecture, came home, played on the computer a bit, had some free time while my son was w/ his maw maw, did some studying, and took the A&P quiz. 

I have to say, I feel PMDD setting in. This is such a wonderful time of the month for me....NOT! Last Friday worked on my nerves, probably a symptom of the PMDD. I get sad, angry, irritated, tired, and headaches! When first arriving at the facility and performing showers, my resident was freezing. She was shaking! It was HORRIBLE! The water temp. couldn't get regulated and there was nothing I could do. I covered her up, even tried to put my arms around her to keep her warm. These are older people so to get cold easily is nothing abnormal. I had another student in there with me, thank goodness! She helped by talking to the resident and talking about the resident's family. We tried as fast as we could to give her a shower and get her dressed. We aren't suppose to say they are "cute" or "adorable" because it makes them feel like children, however, she is adorable. During the shower time, I was a nervous wreck. I felt so bad for this lady. See, a typical symptom of how sensitive I am these days. I guess the expression on my face said it all when it was all over. Another student asked if I needed a break or if I needed to sit down and take some breaths for a few minutes. I said "no" and continued with my day. The truth was, it made my day not go as well. It had nothing to do w/ the resident necessarily, but more of the PMDD symptoms. 

I did enjoy my time there overall. I was very quiet in the afternoon and a student asked me if something was bothering me. She said I was being very quiet, something I'm usually not. :-) I said that it just frazzled me in the am and that my monthly visitor is coming to see me. About 2 weeks of those symptoms every month. I get anxious, nervous, depressed, headaches, exhausted, quiet, and I become an introvert. Most that know me would say that would never happen, lol. Those symptoms wash over me with a vengeance as if I've deserved this cruel punishment every single month. Anger and depression set in the most. I get angry at everyone, it doesn't matter what they have or haven't done, I will FIND a reason to get upset with them. I will dig up the past, unbury the hatchet, argue about anything and everything. Ok, sometimes I do actually have good reasons, but sometimes, I'm purely irrational. I'm WAY worse than any pregnant woman w/ raging hormones. I am 10 x's worse. I want to pick arguments w/ strangers if they rub me the wrong way, just for the sake of proving a point. I'm vicious! It's awful. But, there is a flip side, I then get upset or cry about it later. Now if that isn't messed up, I don't know what is. Ha! Not always, but if I have realized that my actions were unjustified, I then drown in self pity saying I'm sorry to everyone that I've gotten upset with and didn't really have a good reason. At the time, I do believe they are good reasons, until later when I realize they weren't so much. 

So speaking of the CNA class Friday, as I was leaving, I called my husband to vent about my day. I was on my way to the CPR class which was going to be another 4 hours which turned in to over 4 1/2 hours. So anyways, I cracked. I finally just cried! The tears were huge and gushing out of my eyes as if I had no control over them. I had a pity party for sure! I told him that I felt bad for the resident and that I felt uncomfortable all day. I excluded myself from the group and then thought it was "them" that didn't want to be around me. I asked Gabe what is wrong w/ me? Why doesn't anyone like me, am I that bad to be around? Am I that horrible of a person? Maybe I am! I just cried and cried until I had confused my husband so much that he didn't know what to say. He didn't know where all of this was coming from. All of this over the resident being cold? Of course, that incident had set the tone for the rest of the day. 

I got to the CPR class early and sat in my car wondering if this warm salty water would ever stop dripping from my eyes! Again, an emotion taking over when I didn't give it permission to do so! So then I'm upset w/ myself, I can't stop feeling sorry for myself. I guess here and there it is ok to feel sorry for yourself, but not me, no I can't do that because I refuse to watch other people wallow in self pity. I can't stand it, and here I was doing the exact same thing that is repulsing to me! So needless to say, I went on and on about how I'm so awful and truthfully, I do feel this way even when I don't have PMDD symptoms but that is a whole different story for another day. I am pretty outgoing, but can also hide in my shell if I need to retreat for whatever the reasons may be. Gabe reassured me that I'm a great mother, sister, daughter, friend, student, and wife! He tries his best to build up my self confidence. Poor Gabe! He takes on these emotions with such strength. He always knows how to calm my spirit and the best thing about it all, he LISTENS! He doesn't always have to compliment me in times of despair, he just has to be there for me. Be supportive, listen even when he has had a bad day, give me the shoulder to cry on, or the ear to listen to me vent or cry irrationally. Then, at the end of that just remind me to......breathe! 

His love and understanding is unconditional. It isn't, "you do this for me, I'll do this for you". It is, "I'll be here for you no matter what" w/ no expectations. He knows I am there for him in the same way but it is nice to have that ONE person in your life that isn't around you for all the wrong reasons. That loves you even though you are a train wreck at times and accepts your apologies when you say that you are sorry for lashing out when you had no right. He doesn't say, "I can't believe you said that to me", he simply says, "It's ok honey, I know you were having a bad day and I'm here if you still need to vent or talk", and lets me curl up on his chest while he gives me that comfort I need in the strength of his embrace.

I know I drifted off the main subject, PMDD, but the blog all intermingles together. So this week will be rough emotionally. It SUCKS! I can't stand feeling the wrath pms symptoms bring on. I get blue and feel as though my whole world has turned upside down. Luckily, this only lasts for a short period and I am back to my bubbly, fun self! 

This week has started off good so far. I'm keeping fingers crossed that my resident won't be the first shower on Friday! :-)