The Beginning

I want to first begin by introducing myself. My name is Carla. I have one 7 year old son and I've been married since 2000. I'm basically doing a blog because it is a good way for me to write down my thoughts and not to mention, I enjoy reading other blogs. My hobbies include crochet, sewing, volleyball, softball (my fav.), reading when I can, going to the beach, and the most important of all hobbies is spending as much time with my son as possible. I recently got laid off from my job of 12 years. It was heartbreaking at first but a blessing at the same time. It gave me the opportunity go pursue my dream in nursing and go back to college. I began college full time in January. Graduated with straight A's, 4.00 GPA and on the President's list. This was a HUGE accomplishment for me since I never took the time to do well when I was in high school. I took a COMM class over the summer and also made an A. I am currently in BIO 168 (A&P) and I'm taking CNA courses. Next semester, I will have to take BIO 169, MAT, and Microbiology and hopefully if all goes well, I'll be able to apply for the nursing program no later than July 2010. Wish me luck!!

It has been a difficult road going back to school. I stay busy and most don't understand that when I say I'm busy, I really am. Going back to school took a hit on my social life but I had to prioritize and school came first. Most of my friendships suffered even though with understanding friends, it shouldn't have. It may have came down to it seeming as though I was always using an excuse when I would say I was busy, but I truly was busy. I'm a social butterfly so going back to school has somewhat put me in a funk at times. No one to really hang out with or talk to. I do have to say that I LOVE my CNA class and all the people in there. They are all extremely funny and nice. Luckily, my social life didn't come to a dead end. I'm seeing the door open for other opportunities so the funk is going away slowly.

CNA classes are lots of fun, especially doing the labs and clinical. We go to an assisted living home every Friday. I have to say, I am squeamish so I wasn't sure if I was going to pass this class, especially if I had to change soiled linens. Luckily, I haven't had to do any of that. We learn 64-69 different skills and yes, that is one of them but at this particular facility, it is extremely unlikely that I will have to face that. I have gotten to do a lot at the facility and the best part is the residents. They make our time there a lot of fun. The first day going, I almost cried looking at the common area where they gather as their "local hangout." It pulls at your heart strings when you know most of these residents don't have family or friends that visit them. But, luckily that feeling passed very quickly when one of the residents began telling us jokes. The first day, we mainly observed and got to perform showers for the residents. Amazingly, it wasn't bad at all. Nothing like what I expected. The 2nd time there, we did showers, shaves, hair/nail care, and made beds (which hardly any were unmade). I love doing nails so I got to socialize w/ a resident for a long time while making her nails pretty! She was so sweet and we got wrapped up in good conversation. In a way, it helps me put my struggles in perspective when visiting the facility. I'll keep updates on the assisted living facility. Only 3 more Fridays to go and then the state exam.

Another reason is to vent my frustrations over the past few years regarding the fertility problems that my husband and I have faced. Let me say this before I go any further, the miscarriages do not control my life, they are only part of my life which make me the person I am today. Yes, I will discuss them frequently because I am still young and want to try for another child. However, I do have thicker skin than people give me credit for. Discussing my losses do not send me into a downward spiral but I do have those occasional days where I am very sad and it weighs heavily on my heart. I also want to clarify that I am not contagious and you will not become infertile if you drink out of my faucet or eat something that I cook.

We have been through 4 miscarriages since the birth of my son in 2002. The last miscarriage was in October 2008. We actually haven't tried since. School has taken my mind off of it and has kept me so busy. There were times where I was perfectly content just going or focusing on school that trying for another baby was out of the question. I was happy with just one, but lately, I see how fast our son is growing up and I feel like it is now or never. I feel extremely bad for my son because he wants a brother or a sister. We had it all planned out with timing and everything. I had no problems w/ my first pregnancy. The first miscarriage ended in a D&E due to there was no heartbeat. After the 3rd miscarriage, we went for Reproductive Loss Panels (RPLs). Basically, I am hypothyroid (which I already knew), have high testosterone since I need to lose weight, and I have Anti Phospholipid Antibodies. I do not have Lupus even though a lot of women w/ APS are diagnosed w/ this disease. I had been on Synthroid for years, switched over to Levoxyl and decided I wanted to come off of it completely. December 30, 2009 was the last day I took thyroid meds. I wasn't on the medication before having my son, so yes, part of me believes it has contributed to my losses. I know all the Dr.'s in the world would disagree but all haven't been through miscarriages either. The last pregnancy I had, I went on Lovenox ( a blood thinner ). I was on it 3 days and miscarried. My Reproductive Endocrinologist (RE) wants me to take the baby aspirin and Lovenox the next time we conceive.

When my son began 2nd grade this year, I had seriously thought about trying again. Fear is holding me back. There is fear of a lot of different things. Obviously losing the baby, but more of the emotions that I go through. My emotional roller coaster has drove so many people away. I know, if some of you are like me, you are thinking WTF, that's just wrong! But, the reality is, my emotions, at one point, had taken over who I was. I was never a very sensitive person and it took a lot for me to cry or worry about stupid nonsense. Since my losses, I've became a cry baby. Literally. I don't think I'm emotionally unstable, but I cry extremely easy. I let things bother me more and I hate change. I don't like losing people I care about because it is like having another miscarriage in that it puts me right back on that roller coaster of emotions. A lot of the people in my life during those times didn't understand what I was going through so they found it "difficult" to talk to me about it. I am sure that any woman that has suffered a loss just wants someone to listen to them and offer a shoulder if they need it. I wasn't asking for the moon handed to me on a silver platter, just company that could just listen. I have found that to be the most difficult thing for most anyone to do these days.....listen! So in turn, it made me feel very uncomfortable to discuss my losses as well as cry openly when I felt like it. I had to smile and laugh at times that I didn't want to just so I didn't push people away or make them feel "uncomfortable." I would have to release those emotions at home, behind closed doors when everyone was either at school or at work. No one had a clue what I went through daily. For some, it was just knowing that I have suffered fertility problems that pushed them away. It makes you feel as though you have a person to person contact disorder or that I'm abnormal. It hurts but if I said that, I was claimed "emotional" or what have you. I've always considered myself to be a very strong willed, strong headed person, but not this time. Not when I had the MCs. They took away my confidence, my pride, my strength. I feel weak and vulnerable these days when it comes to any relationship so I have a difficult time trusting. Of course I know that isn't healthy, but it is one of the nice little things that the MCs left behind. I know some probably think, why isn't she on some anti depressants. Well the reason is because my RE doesn't want me on them unless I absolutely can't live w/ out them. For the past year, I've dealt w/ these emotions very well compared to the many years before. I'm not up and down all the time like I was but looking back, I wonder if it was the MCs that made me so emotional or just not having anyone to listen to me talk about them. They are a part of my life and the most significant occurrences over the past few years. Of course I'm going to talk about them but talking helps me w/ those emotions. I'm not uncomfortable discussing our losses so I'm not really sure why others are. Sometimes I believe it is some sort of excuse or comp out on their part. I mean, when our lives turn upside down, we expect our family and friends to reach out to us no matter what the circumstances are. When your friend has suffered a death of a family member, do you befriend them over that? Do you walk around uncomfortable to talk about the death if your friend is 100% comfortable in talking about it? It just doesn't add up to me. There have also been those wonderful people in my life that have called just to check on me here and there or email to see how things are going. These people have been my saving grace.

There are so many days that I wish I could be the person I was before the first loss. The person that didn't care about much of anything or anyone except for my family. I care too much about people, animals, the environment, oh the list goes on and on. I worry myself endlessly over the minute things. When I said I have thicker skin than I get credit for, it is true. I can handle the MCs, talk about them, be around pregnant women, shop w/ them, see baby things, crochet baby things, all of this w/ out having a break down. These types of things don't generally make me upset. What makes me upset is feeling alone or dealing w/ all of this by myself, people treating you like you are a thin sheet of glass about to break, or the fear of wanting something I may never have. I have the right to be upset even though so many have made me feel like I'm an idiot for every crying or discussing my pain over the losses. Obviously these are the same people that have never endured what I have nor have any interest in dealing w/ a friend that has went through multiple MCs.

I have wanted to try again soon but I'm not sure if I'm where I need to be or if I will even attempt another pregnancy. I have friends having babies and that may be good enough for me. And no, I'm not obsessed w/ their pregnancies or babies, just happy for them. I have one friend, Katie, that I recently got a shower invite from. I was so happy that she invited me! I'm anxious to find out what the sex of her baby is. We talk a lot about her pregnancy and how she's doing. I've even sent her a message thanking her for not treating me any differently since I have went through MCs. I am excited for her because I would be regardless if I had any miscarriages or not. I want to enjoy her excitement w/ her. It has NOTHING to do w/ my previous losses. I have always enjoyed anything maternity since I can remember. I love looking at baby clothes and accessories. I think pregnant women are adorable and I have babysat babies/children pretty much my whole life. I don't want the excitement of someone's pregnancy get confused w/ some crazy obsession over their baby. It's only sharing their joy and excitement because I'm happy for them and I remember the excitement I had when I was expecting my son. It was the happiest I have ever been and I loved it when people wanted to talk about my pregnancy. So I suppose I do the same thing because that is what I liked when I was expecting.

Anyways, more updates later on if we decide to try again, as well as school. :-)